ABC's Of Getting Old

 

A is for arthritis, B is for bad back, C is for the chest pains. Corned beef?  Cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight--can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches) H is high blood pressure I is for itches, and lots of incisions J is for joints, that now fail to flex L is for libido--whatever happened .  .  . ? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my ... M-memory from time to time) N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new! R is for reflux--one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills! T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not) V is for vertigo, as life spins by W is worry, for pains yet found X is for X ray--and what one might find Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) Z is for zest, for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed . . .  __________________________________________________________________________

Philosophy of Housecleaning

 

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am compassionate.)

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. (I am careful and poor.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative.)

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind.)

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair-minded.)

I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, He is an excellent designer. (I am courteous.)

I don't put things away because ... my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate.)

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". (I am trusting.)

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!  _________________________________________________________________________

The Silent Treatment.....

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

(SOME MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS!)