One Year Post

I have been trying to post on my profile every month.  I like to go back and read about what was going on in my life  (or in my head).  Anyway, I just made my one year post and am including it here.  It is just a very very tiny glimpse into my WLS journey. 

December 7, 2008

I've wanted so badly to post for my one year anniversary.  I wanted to be able to have complete quiet and be by myself because I'm going to cry like a baby.  So, here it is - 2 days late.  I'm already in tears.

This has been the most amazing year.  For me and my family.  I have lost 100 pounds and over 70 inches.  Almost 6 feet.  I am so overwhelmed with all that I feel in my heart.  I don't feel like I can even begin to put into words what I really feel.  I am so blessed.  I was so miserable before this surgery.  I felt so tired and knew that every day I lived as a morbidly obese person, I was getting closer to heart attacks, strokes, and insulin shots.  I was shortening my life.  I wondered if I would really get to enjoy grand-kids when they came along.  Would I get to be there on their graduation day?  I seriously doubted it.  My family is everything to me.  I needed to be there for them.  For years and years to come.  This was just the physical side of it all.

Emotionally, I was a wreck.  No one would ever know that.  I had a successful business, lots of friends, and a family that loved me.  Most people probably thought "she has it all".  That was far from the truth as far as I was concerned.  I hated who I let myself become.  How could anyone love me if I didn't even like myself?  I had no discipline whatsoever.  Food ruled my life.  I looked forward to having the house to myself so I could pig out.  When I'd bring food home from a fast food place, I would get me something extra to eat on the way home so my family had no idea how much I really ate.  I felt so deceitful.  I was deceitful.  The pantry is just off from the kitchen and I had to pass by it to go to the master bathroom.  Almost every day, I would sneak - yes sneak - food from the pantry to eat while I sat on the john.  It was usually Little Debbie lunch cakes.  Sometimes, I really didn't even need to go to the bathroom.  I just went so I could eat.  There were times I sat on that toilet and cried because I'd eat a couple of lunch cakes, not just one.  Wolfed them down.  So fast that I would get crumbs on the floor and have to worry about making sure I cleaned all of them up so my secret was safe.  It was a miserable existence.  When the doctor told me my sugar was way too high, I knew I had to stop this.  And I did.  I did a lot of soul searching.  I knew I was taking out my frustration by eating.  That old saying "it's not what you're eating but what's eating you".  What WAS eating me?  I was unhappy.  Why was I unhappy?  Was I unhappy with someone in particular?  Yes, I was.  I found that someone when I looked in the mirror.  I hated hated hated who I had become and I was destroying myself.  I had been overweight for years, but my weight didn't become a problem until I had my second child and lost my mom.  My mom loved me unconditionally.  She accepted me for who I was.  She did all her kids.  Her death was almost more than I could bare.  No one ever knew how I felt and I still don't like to talk about it.  I dealt with my loss by eating and started to pick up weight.  When I finally got hold of my emotions, I weighed over 200 lbs.  I couldn't lose the weight and keep it off.  Anything stressful  - I ate.  I don't blame anyone for my weight gain.  I was the one that chose to handle my problems with food.  That is when I felt there was no hope.  I enjoyed eating and stuffing myself till I was miserable.  That is when I began to really dislike myself.  It snowballed from there.  If I was going to be fat, at least I was going to enjoy eating - even if I had to sneak to do it.  Thank God the doctor scared me enough to make me realize I had to stop the insanity.

Once I quit sneaking food, I still couldn't seem to lose weight.  I went back to the doctor and he told me that I was the only one that could keep myself from becoming a full blown diabetic.  I had two sisters already taking insulin shots.  I was scared.  I knew that with every diet I was on, I became more overweight.  I'd lose 5 or 6 pounds and gain back 10.  Dieting had gotten me all the way to 228 pounds, with a BMI of 43.  I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  With my family history, I was headed straight for a heart attack.  And don't forget the diabetes.

So, I started reading about WLS.  I found out that I was a candidate.  I checked with my insurance company and lo and behold, I met their qualifications.  I went to a WLS education seminar sponsored by the hospital.  I WAS GOING TO HAVE THIS SURGERY.  I just had to tell my family.  They didn't even know I was going to the seminar.  When I got home, I told my husband that I hadn't been at he office like he had thought.  I told him where I had been.  I asked him if he realized I was considered morbidly obese?  Not just obese, not just fat, but MORBIDLY OBESE?  He said no.  I told him I wanted to have this surgery.  I think at first he thought I was crazy.  After talking, he didn't argue about it.  I had already made up my mind.  I wouldn't have backed down.  I was going to have this surgery.  I was going to save my life.  I was going to better my quality of life.  I was going to see my grandkids be born.  I was going to see their school plays and see them graduate from high school.  I was even going to see them have babies of their own.  I realized THIS SURGERY WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY NEW LIFE!  That was the end of August, 2007.  I had my surgery in December, 2007.  My, how my life has changed!  What an understatement.

I am a better person.  I am a better wife.  I am a better mom.  Who knew this surgery could do  that?  I have fun no matter where I go.  I no longer keep to myself, trying to avoid any attention.  My confidence is back.  For years, the only place I ever felt at ease and confident was at work.  My clients respected me and trusted me.  They didn't care what I looked like and I knew that.  At work, I could be myself.  Now I can be myself wher-ever I go.  I feel so free.  Now, if I embarass my family, it's not because of how I look - it's because I "put myself out there".  All of me.  And I love it.

We've been camping.  We've hiked in the woods. We've been to blue-grass festivals and parties.  I've danced all night long.  I've brought the sun up.  And it was awesome.  We've made new friends and I hope to make many more.  Tax Season might rule the next four months of my life  (I love my job though), but I look so forward to next summer.  I can't wait to hit the hiking trails and just go go go.  All summer long.  I've already marked all the bluegrass festivals on my calendar at work.  It's going to be so much fun.  My kids don't care for bluegrass, so this is something that allows me and my husband to have our alone time.  And we love it.  I bought new underwear every time we went to a festival this year.  With each festival, I lost more weight, gained more confidence, and the undies got sexier.  We have gotten closer too.  So so close.  You could have never convinced me just a short time ago, that my life could change so much.  I thank God for this medical wonder and for holding my hand through this journey.  I am forever grateful. 

I hope things are great for all you other "December, 2007 losers".

Cindy