UGGHH - HELP! (Long post)

Hi there - I'm in a really bad place right now. I feel guilty for coming here because it's been so long since I posted anything. I lurk around, but I haven't been very supportive.   No one can understand this place like you all can. The thing is I know once I tell you all, I will have to take responsibility for my mistakes and be held accountable. Right now that is something I am dreading (how weird right?) because I am comfortable with my misery. I don't want to be - I want to SNAP out of this. I hope you can help...   Here’s the deal: I have been holding steady at 165 for quite some time now - and really loving it. I don’t remember exactly when, but my weight began to yo-yo between 165 and 168. I put it on my monthly pms water gain and didn’t think anything of it. Well, now I am yo-yo-ing between 168 and 171.   You would think that I would just make the hard changes and get back on track, right? Well, it’s like I am on heroine or something because I KNOW I need to exercise and eat right but I’m doing it anyway!   Look I need to come clean about what I’m doing - you all are the ONLY people in my life who I trust to tell this to. No one else can really get what its going on. The hard part is that I know once I tell you that you are going to tell me the truth and hold me accountable - which is good but sucks.   I’m just going to say it - I LOVE CARBS! Muffins, RICE/POPCORN CAKES, pita chips, honey roasted peanuts, wheat crackers, CORN CHIPS, corn tortillas, popcorn, OATMEAL, corn, bananas, squash, green beans, pinto beans - any beans really - I can’t stop eating these things!!!   It started innocently enough - I began to transition from soft protein to solid foods, so I incorporated some stuff that had crunch. The carbs and sugar were low and I needed the fiber. At first it was one rice cake with a small blob of crunch peanut butter for breakfast or lunch. Then it was crackers and cheese packets for lunch. Then it was nachos I made with tukey and fat free refried beans and low fat cheese - with corn chips (no portion control, I would eat till I was full). Now it’s a whole quiche lorraine at Mimi’s café - and if I eat slow enough I’ll take a nibble off a muffin too! Plus I really don’t wait to drink like I should - which I think is making things worse. Oh, and did I say that I am totally addicted to coffee now? My husband had to put me on a budget because I was buying a VENTI Skinny Vanilla Latte (with 5 pumps of SF Caramel added) every day on my way to work. I only get one a week now - but I have started going to Burger King or McDonalds for a large coffee and 10 creams. I don’t like Sweet n Low, so I use either Splenda or Equal (which I just read can cause increased blood sugar levels).   I used to drink about 4 bottles of flavored water every day - and I’m not doing that now.  I used to take my vitamins too. I know I am anemic, which makes my energy low - which is bad for my mental state because when I am tired I get depressed.   I was on a set eating schedule - I would have a protein shake for breakfast, a snack at 10, lunch, a snack at 2, dinner and then a protein shake before I went to bed. Now I seem to want to have something to eat ALL the time - if I’m not eating I want to BE eating.   My house is not good for me. My husband and my son don’t want anyone telling them to do anything. I used to have my front rooms clean and neat - now my dh has taken them over. My son has taken over the den - so the only place I have for myself is the bedroom. On nights when I don’t have something going on, I usually end up in front of the TV by myself eating and watching shows until I fall asleep.  We don things as a family, but it’s always centered around eating - which they both do a LOT of.   I’m not going to lie to you all - I really hate myself. I am so disgusted with my failure - I look at myself in the mirror and see myself as a big fat fat fat fat person. I hate my stomach and my boobs - they are so deflated and full of stretch marks and ugly.   It’s times like this that I really wish I had never done this to myself. I just want to blindly plow through a plate of brownies and peppermint ice cream so bad.   I have tried to get back on track - sort of. I bought this book called ‘Living the Low Carb Life’ - in hopes that I could figure out how to get this under control. Well, I have gotten half way through the book. I have enough knowledge to scare myself. I am in the chapter about the different low carb diets now - I plan to pick one and try to modify it for my situation.   But I’m not an expert - and I don’t know if I have the mental strength to do this anymore. I need help - because in spite of my overwhelming craving for food, I will be damned if I am going to gain all my weight back. I will throw up every meal if I have to in order to stop that from happening. I won’t go back there again - never never never.   If you’ve gotten this far - thanks for listening. - Kerdeeya I would love nothing better than checking in and saying I'm on target and doing great - but that's not the case.

I know I haven't been around in a loooonng time - and really I don't deserve any kind of support from anyone because I haven't been that supportive myself. It's just that I need help and I really don't know where to turn.

I sure whish  I had the magic cure for this since I am on the same boat. I promised myself never to be over 180 lbs and I already passed that mark and have not done anything about it. It would be a shame to go back to being MO, we can do this, it's easier said that done but it sure needs to get done. I also cut my addition to starbucks b/c it can be expensive, now, I make lattes at home, never the same but prety darm close to the real thing...now I just need to give up carbs and suggar...I would love to dump...I also drank lots of flavored water before but now I am lucky to drink one bottle a day....why do we do this to ourselves? Let's get back to basics and take control of our eating habits before they take control of us.

Aw B.. you can do this.  No it isn't easy but we have to take a stand and say enough is enough and just get back on the horse.. u can do it!!!  Stay close to OH and get on fitday, do what you need to do. Preplan meals and hang it on the fridge and put a preop picture with it.. sign it as a contract! make your family know your plan and stick to it!!! *hugs*

KERDEEYA
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  THERE ARE SOME OF US WHO ARE STILL BATTLING THE DEMON CARBS.  I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY  AND HAVE ALSO GAINED 6 LBS. THIS PAST MONTH AND TRUST ME I KNOW HOW SCARED YOU ARE BECAUSE I AM ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED I AM GOING TO GET IN THE SAME SHAPE I WAS BEFORE BUT THERE AGAIN, DO I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT (EXCEPT WHINE)?  HECK NO I DON'T!!  AND AS WE KNOW, WHINING DOESN'T DO ANYTHING IF IT DID I WOULD BE THE SKINNIEST PERSON ON EARTH.
 
YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS
MINI ME

Yes we all struggle Melissa.. but you have the power within you to turn it around again and make it happen.  I have seen you do it before :)  Get your head back in the game, I know you can do it, tomorrow is a new day, start over and stay with it.  See the other reples for more suggestions that I replied to the other girls with. *hugs* stay close here.

You are not alone..just much smarter then me..You are realizing your have a problem BEFORE you are up 20 to 25 pds. I have gained that much and never even got near goal..I can name a million excuses on why I have been eating but the only reason I am eating is I HAVE A EATING PROBLEM ALSO!!! I need to break the carb monster and quiet eating them. We need to support each other..we are ALL in the same boat.
Please do nto think you do not deserve support. You are helping ALL of us by posting this.
HUGS

Diana.. I know YOU KNOW you can do this.  You are so strong.  I have seen you and the others turn it around before and I know u can do it again.  We all fall off the wagon here and there and as we get further out its harder to get back on but don't allow yourself to go backwards, your health and family depend on you to keep it going in the right direction.  Please stay close to your OH dec family.. we are here for you!!! 

Thanks guys - it feels good to know I'm not alone. I'm nervous though; is this how it ends for everyone?

My husband said he wants to start walking in the evenings - but I won't be encouraged until we actually begin walking each night for at least a week.

I'm going to start writing down what I eat - I have an account with Spark People but I don't use it. I need to start logging what I'm eating so I can see what is kicking my butt.

Again thanks so much - I knew you all would be here for me.

((((((HUG))))))

- Kerdeeya

I am in the same boat.  I am back up over 200 and I can't remember the last time I took a vitamin.  I like to eat and can't get past it.  I tried a therapist, but that did not hel.  Let me know if you caome up with the solution

Hi Amy!  Please see the replies I gave the other gals.. same goes.. just start over tomorrow.  It is a new day and you can change.  You have a tool that never leaves you, you are blessed with it.  You can use it and use it well, its there for you! No we may not have the restriction we once had but we know what we are supposed to do b/c we learned from each other and we can make it happen!  Keep your body moving, cleanse with water, take your vitamins PLEASE you must.. if nothing else.. take those vitamins.  You don't want to end up in the hospital while your husband and little ones are left alone while u are hospitalized or even worse.. not gonna say it.. u know what i wanna say. :(

Please Amy.. snap out of it, you are strong and a very awesome person that I see not use your tool to its potential.  Don't go backwards, your health and your family depend on it.  Stay close to your family here.. *hugs* we are here for you.