Update on Myself..

Hi Gang.. How are ya? I know I haven't been around much this year really.. I wanna apologize for that first off. I have had a lot of issues with myself and been trying to work them out... you guys all know how I freak out and obssess over my food/eats/exercise/counts, etc... Well every since my cruise I have found my way back to binge eating on bad foods.. mostly "approved" foods for myself just in WAY WAY too much excess.. luckily if the scale goes much more than 10 lbs up, I get ahold of it and bring it back down but its exhausting. I hate to post this here.. b/c as you know there are many "lurkers" always watching over me from other boards.. wanting to see me fail. But I really just don't care about what they think anymore. I have anxiety. I had preop, I have worse postop. I have been to my PCP, gotten on two different medications and go to therapy twice a week. I go to the gym, I took a part time job at a floral shop thinking that would help me.. I have tried so many things.. its not working as good as it could be. It affects my relationship with my husband, etc. I go home I still hear that I look anorexic and need to gain weight.. which isn't true. Makes me go off the deep end and not care about my eating or exercising. I have always had an all or nothing.. black or white mentality. I like to be perfect or throw it out the window. It's a very bad thing. My husband and I have decided that a true anxiety specialist is in order. I do not believe it is covered by my insurance. We will have to travel 2.5 hours every week and pay 160 bucks a session to see this person. It will cost us an arm and a leg. I feel terrible about it. But I also know in my heart that its prolli the only thing left to get me straightened out with my anxiety. I come from a long line of it and nobody in my family has ever gotten theirs under control and they are very destructive in different ways and I am truly trying to break the cycle. I still binge eat after surgery.. I will not lie to you. it is embarassing to admit. Luckily like I said I can be good to get the weight back off but why should i put myself through this mentally and psychologically? I'm so drained in both ways from it all. So enough whining. Just wanted you all to know that I am not giving up the fight and I am gonna see a specialist that has even been on major programs like the Today show etc.. they believe in treating the root problem and the meds being secondary and eventually NOT part of the equasion. This will take all of our home remodeling money away from us.. kills me but its that or I lose everything I know and love.. Please pray for me.. i feel silly asking that but I can use the prayers right now. Thanks for listening. I will be one tomorrow to do the beck discussion for chapter 2. Be ready. Hugs!

er I meant to say I get therapy twice a month.. not twice a week.. ok even *I* am not that bad ;)

Hugs Melissa! I'm so proud of you for tackling this big problem and doing the really hard work to try to find a solution. Whether you like it or not, you are a great role model for all of us here and proving that even though this root problem of our weight never goes away neither does our resolve for dealing with have to either. You will definitely have my prayers too. None of us got here in this position on a flippant, light spur-of-the-moment decision. We're all in this for the long haul and we are lucky to be in it together. I am so not making any sense tonight.... Molly

Thanks Molly! I appreciate all your support and kind words.. it hasn't been easy coming clean about all this. I even told a very good friend at work last night. She has always thought I was such a surgery success (which I am) but this took her REALLY off guard.. the tears started streaming down her face then of course I cried.. we cried together.. we hugged.. I really needed it for my soul. She told me she was there for me and would do anything it took to help me get the help I need b/c she doesn't wanna see me go back to obesity and knows I will find my way back there eventually if I do not get a grip on this now. You make perfect sense Molls.. I love you for being such a big supporter of everyone on this board, you are an amazing light on here.. I don't know what I would do without you in my life.. truly. Thank you for your never-ending, devoted support and friendship. *hugggs*

Hummmm.... How much time do you spend in the "present"? You have some schedule going there, which takes a lot of pre-planning... and worrying about details. The anxiety "bug" drains the joy out of life. You are such a sweetie! Wish that we could have a virtual "tea / latte" together. Kick back...relax... It's going to be OK... DH told "me" so... see WE all "suffer" a bit. Prayer & Kisses, Mel... Prayers & Kisses Love ya, Ro

You are right sometimes I get caught up in all the "what is tomorrow gonna bring" etc.. Yes the anxiety bug is majorly draining. I wish I didn't deal with it so hard core but I do. I wish we could do a "meeting" over coffee/tea, that would lovely. I am so glad I at least have your friendship online, it means the world to me truly. I am trying to find more and more ways to deal with anxiety and "relax" as you put it. Thanks for all your sweet words Ro.. really Back atcha my friend. Love you too! Thank you.

HI Mellissa Big HUGS to you. You are the most honest person I know. I have been OFF the wagon and have not been around at all. I hope we can ALL get back as this board helps me so much. I need to get off the carb bus too and make some better decisions on my eating. Good Luck and thought of good thoughts sent to you Diana

Thanks Diana! We all can help each other here but we have to want it and start with ourselves first.. I have to remind myself of that ALL the time. Get off that carb bus with me.. I feel pretty icky right now withdrawling off them but at least I am not hungry.. i am hoping in a few days for a new found energy.. and strength to get it back together again. I keep trying.. its all we can do right? Thank you so much for all your support, it is a great thing to have and I hope I can provide you with equal amounts.. we can do this Diana.. yes. we. can. Hugs!

Realizing that life gets complicated, it seems that there's more going on with US, when we go "silent", MIA, plain no-shows! After the Adding Up post was partially responded to, there was a feeling that the remaining members, who did not reply, were actually "saying more" about where they were in this "journey" without a word. Perhaps... The message was that they had moved on or that goal seemed out of reach or the current loss / gain was a disappointment or old behaviors / old feelings were a problem... Whatever the reason for the MIA... something else is taking the place of this Supportive Group... Food or Life's Sorrows... bottom line... WE seemed to be "doing better" WHEN we "showed-up" here!

Melissa Hi Sweetie! I just want to let you know that I think you are the strongest lady for confronting your problems and getting ahold of them. I know you can do this!!!! If at anytime you need to talk, I am here to listen too. Also don't worry about what others will think or say cause who cares about what negative people have to say anyway. YOU WILL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS Mini Me