OT: I need someone to talk to and some advice

I am totally at a loss as to what to do and I need advice please. My hubby and I have been married for almost 20 years now and for sometime now I haven't been very intimate (sp), even before surgery I was feeling this way. This has really been a big problem for us. I love my husband very much and I always tell him that it is nothing personal but it is just a problem I am having. Not only do I not want to be intimate but sometimes it even hurts physically (sorry if TMI). Well lastnight he totally blew my mind, he told me that he has wondered if there was somebody else or if I didn't find him attractive anymore since I have lost all this weight and he is still big. I didn't know what to say or do so I just busted out crying. Then when I calmed down I told him that was the farthest thing from the truth and that I can't even believe that he would even think that and not to trust me enough to know that I would NEVER cheat on him!! I have got to make me an appointment with a Dr. to see if I can get this problem under control but I don't know what kind of Dr. to go see, Do I go to my family Dr., a gynecologist, or a psychiatrist? Thank you all for listening to me and being there for me (like always). SO SAD AND HURT MINI ME

Oh Melissa... Let me start by saying.... You are not alone. Surgery took away my sex drive totally. I haven't wanted sex since long before my surgery b/c when I was heavy I hated my body and had no self confidence and now I just have no drive! My hormones have been wacky (irregular or nonexistent menstrual cycles prove that) so it makes sense. With weight loss we excrete excess estrogen throwing our bodies out of whack. It goes on for a quite a while I am told.. I talked to my doctor and he wanted to put me on premarin b/c at the time i was not having periods b/c I had lost "too much weight" according to him and too much body fat. I donno, maybe I did. But I wasn't about to on menapausal hormone replacement therapy at 31 years old if I could help it. So I talked to my gynecologist she said there is a testosterone cream you can rub on that might help.. u rub it into your skin of your wrist, maybe ask about that? I know there are hormonal patches also.. maybe u need some hormone levels drawn. My poor husband has been understanding but I know hes frustrated and I don't change something soon I am gonna be in the same boat and probably in the boat more than I even know So I do understand. I can count on my one hand how many times we have had sex since my surgery, its that bad Just no interest and its really a turn off to me to even think about sex. Sigh.. I am no help to you but I feel for you and want u to know u are not alone and if you need to show this post to hubby feel free.. it is common after WLS.. I would talk to your PCP then go to your gyno if he/she feels you should. Hang in there and let me know what they say! Love ya!

Hello, I understand you. I had a bit of trouble because my boyfriend is thin. I felt very uncomfortable snuggling with him because i felt that I overwhelmed him body mass wise. He is very loving and affectiate. Sex has never hurt me phyiscally but mentally I was always worrying about my size. I have lost most of my weight and it is not a problem. I did see a therapist before and after surgery who was helping me through many diferent issues and it also helped the intimacy issue. Yes men become very insecure during the process. My boyfriend worried he was not good enough and that i might look elsewhere because I could have more chioce etc. But I am happy and very much in love i never settled to begin with. I know a lot of spouses have problems with the changes too. i would have you both seek a therpist together to work through the intimacy issue. It will help you so much good luck and keep us posted Kelly

Girl you are not alone on this one either....my sex drive left the room many, many moons ago and I do not see it coming back any time soon. I thought that after loosing so much weight and having a flat tummy it would come back but no luck yet. Maybe it will come back after a have the girls fixed..... I am going to make an appt to see my gynecologyst for the yearly check up and ask her about it. I also feel pain sometimes, I do not why...and that worries me. DH is not happy about the lack of sex but he's so good(most of the time). Let me know your progress. Beatriz

So many of us are in the same boat. Whether it is from being self-conscious or hormonal there is almost always a change especially for woman after WLS. On a scale from 1-10 I went from a 2 to a -5 of never wanting sex. What little desire I had has been completely wiped out. Please do not be too upset with your husband. It is hard for someone who has not experienced this to comprehend not wanting sex at all. As hurtful as it is, his questions are normal only because he is making every attempt at making sense of something that makes absolutely no sense to him. To men especially it is impossible for a person to not want sex, so it must be him right? From his end it would feel that the problem is him and you not wanting him. He feels just as hurt. It is not your fault or his and more than likely this can easily be resolved. First thing is not necessarily a therapist, but your PCP or gynecologist. They can run simple blood tests to check your hormone levels to see if you are lacking somewhere, which is very likely. This is so simple to treat if this is the case. That could easily resolve the physical part, but you might want to address the emotional part as well. For both you and your husband, a lack of intimacy hurts feelings thus hurting the marriage. The simple fact that he feels hurt that you do not want sex and you feel hurt that he questioned your fidelity tells me that you two certainly love and care very much for each other. You have called the dr, you are here asking for guidance....you are already on the road to physical and emotional recovery. Take care of yourself and please keep us posted.....Terisa

Hi, Mini Me... I am so sorry that your feelings were crushed. Please stay on course food-wise, as you have been doing so well. There's no way that he could have really meant "cheating"; just a guys way of saying, "I give up! I'm frustrated... and angry!" Everyone has given answers to parts of this problem. What I've learned from DH is that he feels "loved" by having sex; whereas I want to feel "loved" before having sex. So any conversation or hint about SEX turns me off... like here it comes again... I am not putting out; he's feeling rejected.... arguement in progress... warning....warning. Seems like we are all in similar situations sexually with our partners. Many years ago, we actually started putting an "S" on the calendar for eachtime that we had sex. I have memory problems and he insisted that we had sex last year. LOL Well, the guys asked what was going on with the calendar. Then there was this OH, You guys are warped! feeling in the room. At that time, we were empty nesters so we did not think much about the calendar being public domain. As a result of the "S" notations, I had more sex (part to prove a point / part because I realized that I wasn't having sex) with him. Recently, DH told me that he thinks that 3 times a week is a good amount of sex to him. I told him that I really disliked my boob-less boy body and that I resented "having" to feel that I HAD to meet his need, but that I did agree that we needed to be more intimate. Perhaps, WE, the Dec Babes, need to have more sex with our partners. After reading this post, I can say that there is an invisible "S" on my calendar. I need to save my marriage and let my husband know that I do "love" him. What do you think, Babes? Ro

Hi, Mini Me... Hope that your day has been better... thinking of you... (((Hugs))) Ro

(((hugs)))) Mine went through the roof shortly after surgery, but then after awhile, it ceased to exist. It's been nearly 3 mos. since I've "been" with my husband...and before that, it had been a month or better. Now, in my situation, a TON of it is emotional since we're having huge difficulties...but seriously, at this point I wouldn't care less if I never had it again. With ANYONE. I'm just not feeling it physically. You mentioned that sometimes it hurts physically, this may be something that needs to be addressed with the doc, but then again, you weren't specific (not that you needed to be) about painful in which way. Keep the lines of communication open with your hubby. It'd be a terrible shame for this to become an issue because of misunderstandings. more hugs!

Big hugs for you, girl! This is a topic that I bet none of us thought we'd be discussing. I assumed that after surgery I'd be all fit and feeling great and the missing libido would just reappear. I'd love to try what Melissa suggested to see if it works but haven't worked up the courage yet. One thing I know that is a contributing factor is my Prozac rx. That's one of the warned side-effects altho the doc said that he thought it wasn't as bad as some. All the past anti-deps I've tried have either totally killed my libido or made it so that I just couldn't get the deed 'finished' (ahem) if you know what I mean. But the overall picture of my mental health is too important to go off the Prozac just so that I can be in the mood more so it will just have to keep being a factor. I hope that your doctor or whoever you see will be able to help you come to a happier place. It is so frustrating for us and for our mates when we aren't in sync in our intimate lives. Hugs!!!! Molly

Hi, There Sweetie-Pie! Hope that you are OK! Glad that you brought up the issue here, but I know that it must have pained you so just to post. Blessings out to you... and a big ((((HUG)))) Ro