I so have no clue what to do

I am sure there will be some not nice works coming my way, but I can handle it. I am in love with a man who is not my husband and don't quite know where to go our how. I feel as though I married my husband because he was the only one who would take me. and love me for what I am...well since the surgery things have really changeds. He is not supportive at all and is constantly checking up on my every little things.. He calls by friens all the time to see if I hav been there or if they know what I am doing and I just cant do with. I love another man. One who understands me and loves me for who I am now.....What do I do? I can't just through away three years of marriage because...that just isn't right...even if I don't love him anymore....I need help... I have no clue what to do!

I really do not have any answers for you, but I can definitely offer support and payers. Do you think maybe a marriage counselor could help the situation at all or at least provide a forum for you to get some much needed communication out? I wish you luck, this is a very sticky situation.

oh wow, a very difficult situation. Would not want to be in your shoes, but please, make sure to do what makes you happy.

Maghan, I personally do not think any of us are the same person we were before surgery. For better or worse I think the surgery does change ALL of us. You deserve to be happy and weither that is with your husband, someone else or by yourself , YOU DO DESERVE that. AND honestly your husband deserves to be with someone that loves him. I would try counseling. You might find out that you can work it out or you might find out that if is not fixable but either way you gave it a shoot. Your husband does seem to have some control issues and maybe if he got past them you would see him different..who knows? Big Hugs

You and your husband deserve to be happy...even if that means apart. I would rather "throw away" 3 years than to spend many more endless years unhappy. Be honest with yourself and him and decide where to go from here.

Aw, Maghan. What sad news. Hopefully you can take counselling as an option but if not, I agree with everybody else that it is better to find out what will make you both happy. And better that you 'throw away' three years than maybe ten, fifteen or twenty. Don't sell either of your lives short, life passes by too quickly to go through it unhappily. That isn't to say that I think we should all just aim for immediate gratification...that wouldn't be meaningful either but if you both try and can't make each other happy then call it quits. Aw, I'm so sorry you have all this to deal with at the same time as the important healing you need to be doing now. Hugs!!! Molly

Maghan - If you really want to try to make your marriage work the only way you can do it is by removing this other man from your life. You will not be able to fix your marriage by having the other man around. After making the painful decision to do this the next step would be counseling. I do speak from experience on this one. I once had to make that painful decision to remove the other man from my life. After the pain from that eased up I was able to concentrate on my marriage. WE were able to work on our marriage. I do not regret this decision. I had made vows and we had several years behind us as well. It was my obligation as well as my husband's to work on it. Just the same it is your obligation and your husbands. If you do remove this other man from your life and you and your husband seek counseling and do whatever you can do to try and save it you may have a wonderful marriage. But, if that does not work you will have some peace of mind that you gave it your all and tried everything to make it work. Yes, you are entitled to be happy, but there are no guarantees that if you leave your husband to be with this other man that you will find happiness there either. You have to base your decision on what you feel you can live with. No one can answer this but you. I know you must be in a lot of pain. I have no doubt that there are times when you cry wanting to be with this other man, yet trying to make your marriage work. 3 years is pretty new still. We have been married for 6.5. No doubt that after 3 years I was still wanting to leave him. He has worked hard to change and has become understanding and supportive. He has grown up a lot, but it took a long time. No one can tell you what to do here or give you the right answer. I do feel for you and what you are going through. I remember the pain very well. Things will work out for you one way or another no matter what you decide. Please take care of yourself. Feel free to message me any time ok ~ Terisa

Hi Meghan, just read your post didn't know you were going through this hun. Well 1st off I am not the same person since my surgery, I definitly feel more confident and have way more self confidence. Marriage advice is such a tricky subject, I will be married 9 yrs this Oct. and we struggle too, but still really love each other and we have kids and commitment. I could not see myself leaving because I have to much vested in my life. There are times I am not super happy but they pass. So I guess I would ask myself if I was you, do you truly love him and your life together, if not then you have your answer. If you do then counciling is a wonderful tool and is very helpful I have done it twice. Good luck to you and I hope your decision comes easily to you. Big Hugs for you, Erin

This is a tough one.. plus you're going through a lot of changes after WLS and now a 2nd recovery period. You might just want to take some time for yourself. Ro

Maghan, Just read your post and I wish I was closer to you so that we could sit down and talk this through!! Do you have any close friends to talk with? I imagine that it must be hard to share what is going on for fear of people judging you - but no judgement here. Just best wishes that you get what YOU want out of life - I think you just need to take time to determine exactly what that is. I have a close friend that is going through some hard times in her marriage (no weight loss involved) but she also has a deep, deep "crush" on another man - no physical relationship yet. She cant let the other man go but isnt to the point of divorce, she and her husband are attending therapy and she has given the situation a finite period of time to get better in her marriage before she files for divorce. They have intimacy issues - physical and emotional - and she feels that her husband just wont open up to her and doesnt know "how" to be a good husband instead of just being a fun friend. She just wants to be sure that in the end , if it ends in divorce, she will have done everything in her power to make it work. Anyway, I am thinking of you and here for you always. I will respect your decision, whatever it may be, because you have to be true to yourself and go for what you really want - in love, family, career - all of those things. Talk to you soon, Rebecca