Missing - MY BUTT

OK, there's just no way around it - I woke up this morning and my behind is missing. And I don't mean that in the philosophical "the past is the past" kind of way. You can take me literally when I say, "my buttocks are no more". I was trying to find a sensitive way to put it since I seem to be the only male of the species that had surgery in December of 2006, but there is no easy way to say it, ladies... My derrier is in absentia? My bumpers are no longer bumpable (is that even a word)? My aft is now an afterthought? My posterior is post existance? My backside no longer responds during body-part roll call? My gluteus is no longer maximus? The bad part was that I don't know when it happened. I don't know if there was a booty snatcher loose in my neighborhood, or if I mistakenly left it in a hotel room upon check-out. Was there a pickpocket at the county fair last weekend that delved a little too deep, or was there a "slippage" the last time my elevator got to the lobby? Or maybe it was just a case of tennant dissatisfaction - I know that I haven't been providing the necessary fat and sugar that my butt needed to be comfortably plump. And the quantity of what I DO eat now isn't enough to keep both cheeks happy, so I'm glad that they both decided to leave at the same time - otherwise, I'd tilt to one side or the other while driving and my dance partner might have been seriously injured when we did "the bump". But whatever the reason, I noticed the absence today after my shower. And, it's true, when faced with loss, as human beings, we all go through the stages of loss: Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening... it must be a Twilight Zone episode." Anger: "Why ME? It's not fair! I've got so much sitting let to do in my life!" Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my butt again." Depression: "I'm so sad, why ever buy any new pants again?" Acceptance: "It's going to be OK. I'll buy a much smaller belt!" The four stages took approximately seven seconds... And now everything is fine. So, for those of you who go through what I went through this morning, I can only provide the following words that I hope will help - (1) Keep a stiff upper lip, you'll get through it, (2) It's probably for the best and besides, (3) You never liked that big old ass anyway, right? Smiles, S

Steve...your butt owes you royalties. I saw it in a government-sponsored exercise commercial! Someone is shopping at the mall and turns in a jiggly mass of 'something' to the information help desk. The clerk informs the person that someone just lost their butt by taking the stairs instead of using the escalator. So my 'condolances' on your missing appendage. Are you now a member of the Tailbone From Hell Club? I'm a member! Ro too. Well it isn't so bad, sitting is overrated right? Smiles backatacha! Molly

You are too funny!. Welcome to the "assless" world.

Lucky for me I never even had a butt, even at my highest. I've been toying with the idea of using other flabby parts as implants, think it'll work? Steve, I'm sure a good pair of tighty whities and that butt will be just enough to squeeze

Now, that i've choked on breakfast and laughed so hard my husband had to come see what was up... Jelly bean butts are HOT!! Woo hoo.. welcome to No Tuckusville! I bet your butt is visiting me, Molly and Ro's missing boobage. It's a conspiracy.

What a site that would be!!! A real T & A Party!!! Maybe we can locate the "missings" as they usually travel in pairs (old Woody Allen joke???) Jelly Bean Butts??? Ro

Hi steven I still have mine, however it did drop about 4 inches. But not enough to do the belt lift, I am only doing my TT. But I am sorry for you loss smiles back at ya!! Erin

Oh you are such a hoot!!!! I just love ya! Thanks for the laugh! Luckily my butt is the only real "prized position on my body! I actually like my behind (I can't believe I said that!) thus the butt pics every month.. haha! I am sorry you lost yours Steve, my husband lost his after his RNY surgery 5+ years ago and has never found his.. your both must be hanging out having a brewski somewhere.. *giggle* You are the best.

Well, I wasn't going to say it, but... I did get a kick out of it when I first saw your "butt pics". I'll bet it's your husband's "prized body part", too! Keep taking that particular pose, please!!! I, for one, appreciate it, TREMENDOUSLY!!! Truth be told, I'm really not very sorry that mine is gone now. I really did get to be the original "bubble butt". I was bumping into stuff and people everywhere. It really was humiliating because I was always knocking stuff over when I thought I had plenty of "clearance" to get by. I heard a joke back when I was still normal sized: A "rotund" woman was first in line at the cashier. Behind her was a small boy and his mother. The beeper (that's how old this joke is) on the large woman's belt went off, "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP". The little boy looked at her big behind with wide eyes, mouth agape and yelled, "LOOK OUT MOM, SHE'S BACKIN' UP!!!". Unfortunately, I became that joke. And while I was the original Bubble Boy, it wasn't all that funny. So I'm pretty happy that I've lost the need for my "REVERSE ALARM".

Blushing.. thanks Steve! Aw, I hear ya about bumping into things and people.. I used to do it a lot too. I still try to leave a large berth for people so they can "get around me".. funny. As for the reverse alarm.. we just won't be needing that feature anymore... whew!