I need counseling,,and advice-- LONG POST

Hello all, For the past few weeks, I have been having a dispute with my sister. She insists I have lost too much weight and that I look "bad". Well, it all came to a head last night. She told me that one of our relatives (a nurse) told her her that I need to eat some junk , even a cookie every day. I told her I'm not eating a cookie every day, I do have my share of sugar, I indulge in "bad stuff" every now and then but that I am really trying to eat a balanced diet. In the grand scheme of things, I do not see where SUGAR is beneficial and detrimental to your success and well-being. With that said, SUGAR is like a drug to someone like me. I don't dump on it real bad and I could eat it, I do indulge every now and then and I have been proud of myself that I really seem to have some sort of control over it at this point. I don't want to open the floodgates on SUGAR. I asked her and the rest of my family, how much do you think I weigh? They all seem to think that I have lost too much weight and now need to start "gaining" and that I need to start eating more so that I can stop the weight loss. I told them over and over again that I do not want to "TRY" to stop losing weight nor do I want to "TRY" to gain some weight. I want my body to do what it does. I am still in the first year of WLS and want to create habits that I can live with to maintain what I have lost. I told them I weigh 145 pounds and I am 5'2, what is out of the ordinary about that? I do not ever want to weigh more than 145, this is my MAXIMUM. I showed them pictures and they said I look good at 160-175, hello, I am 5'2 with extremely short bones, my hands are just a little bigger than my 3 year old son's. I have a very petite frame and body structure. I am not curvy, I am short. My sister has always been the smaller of us and now that we have both had tummy tucks, I am smaller. She got mad at me because she said I wasnt listening. And then had nerve to say, "thats why your hair is falling out and thats why your skin is broken out". Well, my skin is broken out all over my body due to the surgery that I had 2 weeks ago, I always have this reaction to anesthesia. And most people lose some hair after they have this surgery. My fears, as I tried to get through to her, is to regain weight. I have seen it firsthand, I know many people who have gained weight after WLS and know many people who are out 10 years, 7 years, etc and I watch them and talk to them so that I can learn the good habits and the bad. I feel like I am losing touch with my sister, she is my best friend and I don't want that to happen but she left the room mad and went into the other room and didnt talk to me anymore. I feel like she does not understand what I have to go through with weight loss and trying to get the right mix of things--not enough protein, too much protein, need enough carbs for energy, need to work out to tone and build muscle, need fuel for that, want to have fat in my diet so that I don't look "dried out" but not too much fat, very afraid of regain, very afraid of regain. What do I do? My husband is very happy with me at my current size, I am happy at my current size. I would be happy to not lose another pound IF I knew I could maintain this weight and not gain 1 POUND, but I want that cushion. And, I want to change my life, I want to build muscle in my body now that I have lost the weight. I am so torn and conflicted, and my mom and aunt don't say anything, I think they might agree with her. I have been big all of my life and I just think they don't know how to accept me smaller. Sorry this is so long but I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am carrying this burden of feelings with me and prayed about it but it still lingers on my mind and in my heart. Do I need counseling??? Angela

Angela... I do not envy the situation you're in. I wish I could wave my magic wand (ok...I wish I had one to wave) and spread understanding throughout your family. In my opinion (and it's just that) I think that YOU are not the one in need of counseling, but rather the others in your family that would benefit most. If anything for you, counseling to learn how to deal with pressure from others and how to cope and adjust to not worrying about the opinions and thoughts of others. (I need that myself) I'm only 2 inches shorter than you and I can tell you that when I weighed 130 lbs...I was still overweight, and felt it. So if at 5'2" and 145, I doubt you're super thin. Though comparatively speaking...I see where they would think so, like you said, they're not used to it. I think your goals and visions are right on track. I honestly believe that while they're concerned, there's a bit of jealousy in the mix. Strict concern does not warrant the silent treatment or anger. You have to live your life for YOU and your family in a way that YOU feel is best. Try to let go of the burden. You CANNOT and ARE NOT responsible for the way someone else feels, unless of course you're purposely and directly hurting them. As for the sugar...I've indulged as well. I finally feel like I have some control now, whereas before, I did not. You're right, it's like a drug to some, I'm one of them. It's also a huge danger to my health if I consume it daily. My body doesn't process it properly, so why would I want to consume it every day?? It's like telling an alcoholic he needs to have ONE glass of wine a day because of the health benefits. It's just NOT possible. I say, if you feel you need help dealing with the family and the emotions that come with it, by all means seek counsel...it couldn't hurt. I don't see where counseling is needed for your goals for healthier living other than to confirm that you're on the right track. Please keep us posted and I'll be praying for you and your family.

Angela...It's time for your sister to calm down! She's acting like a 'tween. Limit your comments and info about your diet to the family and brush off their comments to you. You are under Dr's care. You just had another surgery, which causes hair loss from the body becoming stressed. Your long term weight goal is reasonable. I would give your sister the "Uh-huh!" (sound flat and bored) as much as possible. Chat pleasantly at other times to her. It will set a boundery for her. As for the 'tween' advice...she's acting overwhelmed and putting too much emphasis on your looks (Just Drama). I know that she loves you, BUT.... really. You're just not her sister...you're an adult woman, wife, and mother! I would not engage her in any more conversations or debates PERIOD. If you've something to say...say it and move on..end debate. "Stop monitoring my weight. Stop discussing my weight. Got it." You need a break from anyone who is a negative influence on your weight loss so plan time with people who are supportive to you. Seems like your mom and aunt don't want to get in the middle of what's going on...or...they don't want to tangle with your sister. Write Back! Love ya... Ro

Hi Angela, first off I am sorry about your situation. You my dear are doing wonderful, you are actually one of my inspirations to get to goal!! You are always very positive which I love...... I have seen post before where family members were jealous, which may be where your sister is coming from. Just try to reassure your family that you are a healther person because of the surgery and that you have a goal to meet. Hopefully they will turn the corner and start being a little more supportive... Best of luck to you honey, big hugs....Erin

Angela, I am so bummed that you have to go through all this, especially now right after surgery. I think that you know in your heart that you made the right choice for your health and continuing down the path you are on of leading a healthly life and making the right choices is the right thing to do, eating a cookie a day is NOT A GOOD CHOICE FOR ANYONE. I cant imagine any health care professional would give that advice. Even if your doctor wanted you to gain weight (and he doesnt) he would not prescribe a cookie. This was obviously an uninformed comment meant to hurt your feelings. I imagine that your sister is jealous, and it is a real bummer that she cant just be happy for you. Please do not let her get you down or even consider changing what you are doing. If you are questioning whether they may be correct - then set up an apt. with your surgeon and have your levels checked before you make any decisions. Dont let the emotion take over. I am very close with my sister and would really take comments like this from her to heart, so I understand somewhat how you feel. If I experienced this, I think that I would see the doctor, then share the results of the blood work with my sister to reassure her and then tell her exactly how her comments made me feel, and tell her that I need her support because she is my best friend in the world (Then we woudl probably cry about it =) and end up okay.) I hope that your sister can get over her "issues" and be there for you and let you be there for her too. You dont need counseling because of this, but I wouldnt dissuade anyone from counseling. And going with your sister to salvage the relationship may not be a bad idea either. But, do not think that just because of this you are "messed" up or off-track - YOU ARE DOING GREAT! Stay the course, keep on keepin' on... and all that stuff! Love, Rebecca

Angela- i dont have anything different to say than what these ladys have most eloquently already said......I agree with EVERY word that they have typed....Might just have to develop a thicker skin and just deflect all the negativity! You look marvelous.........and i am sure that you feel the same.....THAT is what matters. Hugs, Dawn

Hi Angela, Do I think you need counseling...NO! Personally I thnk some of your family members are jealous of the sucess you have had. Why would a NURSE tell you to eat a cookie everyday. I can say someone saying she needs to eat more FRUIT but a cookie....That does not make any sence to me. Be proud of yourself and do not let them get you down. Big Hugs Diana PS you look WONDERFUL

Angela, I wish people could understand that obesity is a disease just like alcoholism, or a drug addic. So I just have to ask would your sister tell an alcoholic or a druggy to drink or do more drugs? I don't mean to sound harsh but it just makes ya think my goodness. Trust me I have family members that say things without thinking too. Hang in there and do what is right for YOU and no one else Mini me

Angela, I don't think you need counseling because you are in the wrong, but I think you could benefit from it. It may help you deal with these comments and be able to not allow them to get to you so much. It can also help you react to your family in a way where they will not get so angry. You are not too thin at all, you are at a normal healthy weight. The problem is that when you lose weight it is very difficult for family members to be able to see you as a new size. When they are used to you being overweight that is who you become. Then, when you lose weight it is just as hard for them to adjust in their minds that this is still you are still the same person and in comparison to the person they knew as you, you are too thin. I remember when I moved to Texas. When I left my mom weight well over 300 pounds. I knew she had lost weight since I had seen her last, but had no idea just how much. When I saw her she had lost all her extra weight. I actually cried because I felt like I had lost my mom, this was not my mom. It has been 12 years and I still look at her sometimes and think she is too thin. She is actually normal weight. My perception is still messed up. The difference is I NEVER say anything to her about it because I know it is only my perception. I know she is eating correctly and I know her height and weight are within normal range. Your family cannot look at this logically and see the reality that you are healthy weight and that you eat healthy. Even though your family is the one *****ally needs the therapy you can only be responsible for you and for your actions and reactions. You cannot control how they behave and what they choose to say. This is not your burden to carry. It is the burden of certain family members, but with you in therapy you can help yourself and them remove this burden altogether. Healing has to start with someone..why not you? A therapist can really help you do this. Take care and I will say a prayer for you too. ~ Terisa

Angela, I agree with TV on this one. You don't need counselling for the weight loss; you need some assistance in dealing with relatives-out-of-control. I'm certain that a counsellor will side with you on the weight loss and all you need are some coping skills to be able to deal with your relatives. You needed help (WLS) in order to deal with your weight and now you need help (counselling) in order to deal with those darned people in your life.... people who should be on your side. But, for whatever reason, they are not. The problem is with them, true. But you'll need some help to be able to help THEM deal with the NEW YOU!!! Keep up the good work on your weight and know that you have a huge group of "supporters" here, and know that we want you to get those coping skills to be able to deal with those "others". Good luck, sweetie. Steve