I'm losing control and I am scared

OK before I begin I need to let you know a couple of things... I am currently a few days from starting my period and I have a feeling this is from PMS. That said, I still have a problem; because if this is the way it will be from now on I don't know how I am going to cope. Last week I officially hit 177 lbs - something I should be happy about, but has actually brought me a great deal of anxiety and depression (but maybe it's because of the PMS - I don't honestly know). Before surgery I would have these kind of wacked out depression/anxiety/loony phases and I usually would get my period a week later. I also get bouts of insomnia mixed with wanting to hibernate. So I am either up reading all night or coming home and hiding out in my dark bedroom surfing cable all night. Here is the problem I am freaking out about right now... I am eating BAD stuff - all the time and I cannot stop it. For the third time this week I went over to a secretary's desk in my office and got a handful of M&Ms and ate them with a huge spoonful of peanut butter at my desk. I'm not getting sick either. Last night I took a package of some soft oreo cookies, ate one and was eating a second (while drinking milk mind you) cookie when I just spat the whole thing into the garbage. Then I cried myself to sleep. I am not hungry but I have this overwhelming urge to just stuff my face with all the chocolate, ice cream, cookies, - anything else that pops into my mind - AND I AM DOING THIS YA'LL!!! OK, now I am crying because I feel sooo guilty and ashamed of myself. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I feel like I am doing this on purpose to keep from finishing this process - I feel like I am sabotaging a whole 7 months worth of effort. This didnt' happen last month ya'll and not the month before. Which makes me think my body is getting back to 'normal'. Which is VERY scarey for me because I worry this means I will have to lock myself in a cage for a week every month in order to keep from doing this. I feel like a freak and I feel ugly and stupid and so over the top right now. What is so bizarre about this is that no one even KNOWS - not my husband, nobody - I just go about my day and nobody even knows the HELL I am going through right now. I am so scared I will ruin this whole thing. I wanted it to go so perfectly... but it's not. - Cordelia

Awww, Cordelia, a big hug for you! How awful that you are having to deal with all this worry and fear. I'm so glad you came here to tell us about it. You are definitely not a freak, ugly or stupid. In fact you must be pretty intelligent to know this is a problem you can't handle alone. Hang on the best you can while you are waiting for your period and then once you get through it, forgive yourself and set about planning for next month as though you were helping a friend going through it. When I catch myself going through that kind of self-talk I try to stop it by telling myself that I'd never speak to a friend that way and I shouldn't think that kind of trash about myself either. You could prepare by getting rid of the bad things you want to stuff yourself with and have on hand some things that aren't so bad. Can you tolerate microwave popcorn? If I have feelings like I just have to eat, eat, eat I have popcorn. Sugar free kettle corn to be exact. It takes a long time to eat, is good and crunchy and the calories are pretty low. It still constitutes grazing and is a no-no but at least it helps me get through the tough times. If popcorn wouldn't work then you could try to come up with some other ideas. Maybe some lightly sweet tasting cereals like Kashi Go Lean? How about your M&M coworker? Any way you can get those out of sight for that week or two? Is this an understanding person? If this is something you can't control right now then don't beat yourself up over it. Also, have you seen a gynecologist recently to discuss how these monthly hormone swings are affecting you? I've read about certain vitamin combinations that are supposed to help offset these types of mood swings. Couldn't hurt getting a professional opinion and nobody in your family has to know. You are doing so great, please don't feel like one bad week is going to ruin your whole seven months worth of hard work. This is just a temporary abnormal mindset. You didn't come this far just to sabotage yourself for real. Molly

Cordelia Molly is right you should praise yourself for you acomplishments, not hate yourself for your behavior. Get rid of the junk in your closets, replace it with healthier alternatives. Have you thought about treating yourself once or twice a week to SF Ice cream or something else you like(I can't tolerate the milk, so I treat myself with a SF, soy latte at Starbucks..yummy) but maybe if you reward youself a little maybe you won't feel deprived and head for the oreos? Have you also thought about seeing a nutritional therapist. I know my surgeons program has one that only deals with eating disorters. We have a good little tool, but unfortunately it does not change our mindset and the way we think about food. Best of luck to you Cordelia Hugs, Erin

Hi Cordelia, Ok first of all.. big deep breath in....let it out.... The way I feel the week before my period sounds much like yours.. I start getting very munchy/craving like... I need chocolate.. this is why I ALWAYS keep certain things on had... here is a list of safe or "ok" things to have around for when this happens so you can stay away from the "not so good" food items... SF chocolate and vanilla pudding - can put light rhedi whip on top too. SF fudgesickles SF bomb pops EAS Caramel Protein Shakes SF premixed anderson erickson chocolate skim milk Premeasured out nuts Pickles/Beef Jerky/Light Mozz sticks (for when I want salty) Mini Bags of popcorn (crunchy and salty) Apples and Peanut Butter SF Jello with Light Rhedi Whip Items I have not tried but heard mentioned: Frozen bananas drizzeled with SF chocolate sauce. Strawberries dipped in SF choc sauce. Almonds with eggwhite, splenda/cinnamon mixture and baked in the oven. These items keep me in check.. you don't know how many puddings I throw away b/c they expire as I only use them when I get the "urges" and I am perfectly fine throwing them away but I gotta have them there in the fridge just in case... There are ways to get around those demons.. be creative and let your imagination run wild with better options and KEEP THEM IN THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME. This is sooo key. A good friend of mine on the RNY board that is 10 months out, her and I truly believe that a creative diet and good alternatives being readily available has gotten us as far as we have gotten. You have not ruined this.. tomorrow is a new day. Let go of the guilt.. we were guilty of this preop.. you gotta start over fresh the next day. Leave today behind you... ok? You can do this and please keep coming here... as you can tell we ALL have our issues.. and that is why I love this december board, no one is afraid to share them.. we are all human, no one is perfect. This is not a perfect world, there are no perfect humans living on it. Find new ways to relieve stress/anxiety.. get a new hobby.. go for a walk.. buy an ipod (worth the money I hear.. i want one and asking for one for christmas and put your favorite music on it.. get lost in a book.. take a hot bubble bath.. this is your life and you do have control over it.. yes you do. Deep breath in again.. and out.. You can do this Cordelia.. you really can ... and you will! I have no doubts! To continued success, determination and focus.. all which you have.. just reach down without yourself and let it out. If you just need to type it out and vent it out.. you can PM me.. your stuff stays with me and no one else.. I am sure Molly would let you do the same if you need to. We are here to help and support each other.. together we are strong.. believe in yourself. Hugs! Melissa

Exactly what Melissa said for you and anybody else on the Dec. board...if you really need to share a problem and maybe don't want to go public with it by all means PM me. We are all here to support each other and even though I may have no answers or solutions for you, I'm at least someone to share it with. Molly Ooooh, also a really yummy treat is *partially* thawed frozen strawberries if you can handle the sugars. They are better than ice cream!!!

Cordelia, I am so sorry you are feeling such anxiety and then eating. I did want to tell you that in no way are you alone in this. Disorderly eating has reared its ugly head to other members of the Dec board as well. Maybe not the same way, but still a problem. I also wanted to say that the fact that no one knows is not bizarre at all. It is quite common. My husband does not know of my issues either. Melissa and I have been talking a lot about this issue and she knows very well of what I have been experiencing. My eating disorder is unhealthy for me and yours is unhealthy for you. I tend to starve myself until my body is about to give out. I am literally killing myself out of fear of not losing or gaining. This whole process is an emotional roller coaster and your pain is understood. You took a great step in telling us. That is not easy at all. It is not easy for me to say it on this board either and not typical of me, but it was important to me that you know you are not alone and that your pain is understood. Do you think you can take another step and tell a therapist? It took me a while, but I finally told mine in an email. I just told my surgeons nurse 2 days ago about it too. I was waiting to be completly flamed by them both, but received the opposite. They have been so supportive. Would you please consider telling one of them? I am the most private person on earth and I just shared this on a public forum and told my therapist and nurse so I know you can do this too. Please talk to someone and get some help. You and I both need to find ways to cope with our fears and emotions better and we will. One min, one step, one day at a time. Maybe we can make a promise for one day at a time? Tomorrow I promise to eat if you promise to avoid unhealthy foods? Then at the end of the day we can compare notes? Let me know what you think ok? I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. i just went back and looked at your picture too. I see nothing ugly there, you are a stunning woman, just one who is hurting right now. Terisa

Terisa, you gave some AWESOME ideas about comparing notes at the end of the day... I LOVE IT! I keep saying it.. I am proud proud proud of you guys for coming forth with this and knowing that NO ONE here is looking down on you.. only supporting you, please come here, we want to be here for you guys. We all have our own issues.. none of us are clean of them or we wouldn't be here having surgery.. we are all "addicts" and will always be an addict. We deal now and cope in different ways.. knowing that there are different transfer addictions and being open and upfront about them.. well you can then get the support you need to deal with them. I assume that as long as this board thrives, in the months to come we will all have different issues and needs that will arrise as time goes on. So glad this board is thriving now and we are tackling issues.. one issue at a time. Good job girls! Keep on keepin' on ;)

Have to admit the week before, and sometimes the week of my period is bad for wanting to eat/graze. The chocolate is the worse. I go with pretty much what Melissa has on her list of foods she stocks up on, and I add one little thing. Dove SF dark chocolate with raspberry creme I allow myself 2 of those a day, during my "crazy" days, and it keeps me from EMOTIONALLY feeling like I'm depriving myself. So far, for the last 3 months, it's seemed to tame the emotional need for indulging myself during the hormone crazies. And if I do stray from my good choices the week before my period, I don't beat myself up. Because for 25 days out of the month, I'm damn good! LOL

Cordelia I feel the same way during that week...2 things that i have found that work for me - i write everything down....EVERYTHING.......so if i were to have eaten m&m's and peanut butter.......i write it down.....sometimes it may not be as bad as you think. For example i had a "crazy" eating day on Sunday ---i wrote it all down---it was 1313 calories which is 500 more than i should have eaten.....BUT in the big scheme of things is not THAT bad........then Monday i started a new day. In the old days i would have scarfed down 3x as much ! The second thing that i have found is Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt really helps me thru the sweet fits --on Monday i believe i had 4 yogurts.....Melissa already mentioned the SF FF pudding which i love too....but i have portion control issues with it so if i cannot account for at least 2 servings ....i dont even make it ...(i ate 4 servings last night & yes it is written down) I was reading your post and i noticed a familiar word "y'all" ...sure enough when i looked at where you are from---you are here in Texas with me.......Hang in there..this is a great place to come to talk.......... dawn

I didn't get a chance to read all of this last night so I'm sitting in my office trying not to cry right now. I shouldn't be trying to take care of this in a place where there is no crying allowed : ) (I work in safety in a box plant - lots of testosterone, and they freak when I get 'emotional'). Anyway, I need to talk though - and this is really more important. Thank you doesn't say it enough - ya'll have become a life line for me. I knew that I needed to put it down and put it out to ya'll and I would be OK. Last night was a little easier because I finally told my husband that I was having a hard time - he was supportive and that helped. I also didn't just go home and hang out in the house - I took my son to Walmart and did some healthy shopping. I got a bunch of good snacks and replenished my food stuffs. I have my own shelf in the kitchen where I put my food, that way I don't go through the other stuff looking for a snack. My 14 yr old was in the kitchen while I was talking with his dad and he told me he would find hiding places for all of their goodies so I wouldn't be tempted. At 250 pounds, he has his own struggles with eating issues - so I told him that after all the goodies were gone, we just needed to replace them with good snacks. He and his dad agreed - thank God. Thanks for all of the lists and suggestions - it's PERFECT. I have been thinking about going to a nutritional therapist for a while now...I'll look one up and let you know how that goes. I need to see the gynecologist too - ugh! Here's what I have eaten today: Detour protein bar (low sugar,3 g) - caramel peanut Dannon Carb & Sugar Control smoothie - strawberry I plan to eat the following for lunch: Oscar Meyer snack pack - ham and cheddar squares with crackers I have low sugar reduced fat peanut butter (JIF) and reduced fat ritz crackers for the cravings, as well as a bag of bing cherries, and a cup of sugar free chocolate/banana flavored pudding... Not much to crunch on - but I think I'll be ok for today. You all are right - I am not ugly or stupid - I am beautiful and vulnerable. I CAN DO THIS - but I need to recognize when I need help BEFORE I put something in my mouth. I am coming to care for you all a great deal - thanks for your help! - Cordelia