mixed support

Hello everyone, I had surgery on Dec. 26th and for the longest time I did not tell anyone but my husband. One night he had a "heart to heart" talk with me and told me that I needed to tell people. He felt that the people who care about me should know and he had told several of his co-workers as well. So, I did tell my family and it went pretty well. Long story...I did not want to tell them because I had been scheduled for the RNY over a year ago and got grief like you would not believe! Anyway, the insurance now pays for the LapBand and my husband supported this method much more than the other...so here I am 4 days post-op with the Lap Band. I did not tell a good friend and neighbor until yesterday. I think she was a little hurt I did not tell her until after the surgery, but I felt this was a personal issue. I also was not ready for the town to know all my business. I just felt it was my business and I did not want it all over this small town. Anyway, another neighbor stopped by and I told her. The first thing she said was "What...nothing else would work?". I didn't reply to her. I expected this. As I walked out the door later, I heard her say "nuts" to the other neighbor. I know she was talking about me. I was surprised and actually not all that hurt, as I expected it, especially from her. I felt it was better to come clean than for them to hear it through the grapevine. Has anyone else struggled with telling people? I have not told but a few people at work and am not sure that I will. I have decided. What do you think?

First off congratulations on getting through surgery. You husband sounds absolutely wondeful and supportive of you. Second, who you tell about the surgery is completely up to you. It sounds like you didn't want to hear any negative feedback before surgery, so you waited. Now that it is over, you should only tell those who you want to know. If you feel that it is better for them to hear from you rather than the grapevine, that by all means tell them. Lastly, you cannot control what will say or act to your news. The only thing you can control is how you will react to them. I want to wish you the best of luck. Joanne

Joanne, Thanks for your kind words. You are right...I didn't want the negative comments and now I feel like I can withstand it. I am a pretty strong person and I guess a little surprised with myself that I wanted to keep it a secret. I have yet to tell my boss and main co-workers. They are all male. I am the only female. I expect negative reaction from them, and really don't want them talking about me behind my back, which is what would happen. Thanks for reminding me that I cannot control what others say, only how I react to it. I have to remember to be positive! TH

TH.. It sounds like you have a lot of support from you husband. That is great!!! My mother didn't give me the suppport I really needed. She took me to the hospital for the surgery and as I was getting the pre-op done. She was telling the nurses that she thought I was crazy and that she didn't want for me to have the surgery. But, I had some wonderful nurses that were very supportative and helped me a lot. So, I understand how you feel when others don't understand why we made the choice to take care of ourselves and have the surgery. I have been very open about my surgery. I had my mind made up that this is what I wanted for me. Either they can be supportative or leave me alone. I know that I have done what is best for me and that is all that really counts. But, getting POSTIVE support is very helpful. As far as works goes. You only need to tell the ones you want to. My boss was not happy about me taking off for the surgery. But, I have been getting postive feedback from others. You really have to do what you feel is best for you. Good luck with your recovery!!! Do only what you thinks is best for you! Don't let the opinons of other affect how you choose to disclose your personal information. Ronda

Ronda, My mother was not at all supportive when I originally approached her about the RNY. This was a lot of the reason I did not do it the first time around. I am sorry to hear you did not have the support you deserve from her. Thanks for your kind words! TH

I totally understand what you have went through. I did tell a few people like my family and my husband's family. I told a friend that had gone through another WLS. I only told people I was having surgery because I had to ask off for work which is at a school. Well now that it is done with, I feel I'd better go out and tell everyone because it is already getting around town and I live in a very, very small town. I feel kind of silly now that I didn't tell people. Because now they know that I was trying to keep it a secret. Well I just didn't go blurt it out to everyone, so what. For one reason I didn't want to tell because I didn't want to hear the negative about it before I had it. And I feel like I have to defend it. And also I didn't want my boss to think that it wasn't a good enough reason to take off right before Christmas break. For the rest of the town they will know so why should I hide it anymore. I shouldn't care what people think anyway and I am working on that. And as soon as people start asking what I did to lose weight, what am I going to say. As for you, in my opinion, I think the Lap Band would be an easier thing to tell people. Of course they always want to know what is that? But for the RNY you have to tell them it was gastric bypass and then it's like oh. Yeah I was like that too. I use to think that it was extreme and that I would never do it. Well I did it. So now I am trying to work on not judging people and their decisions. Sorry I am going on and on. I guess I am trying to get out some of my issues with this too. Anyway I think if they ask tell them the truth, if they don't then I wouldn't bother telling them. But it is going to be a very exciting time for you so let them know that you are happy about your decision. And for those that have mean things to say defend the heck out of it I guess, maybe they'll change their mind. I did about the gastric bypass. It's worth a try. Good luck, Kristina

Kristina, It is easy for people to pass judgment. That is why I guess I've been pretty private. I always have been anyway and I really did not want to get a lot of grief. It was kind of weird. My brother, who I was reluctant to tell, was the most supportive of everyone! His girlfriend, and hospital employee, was not as supportive! I had expected just the opposite. The nice thing is I have found this website and it REALLY has helped me. THANKS ALL! TH

TH- I'm just over 2 weeks post op and maybe a handful of people know. I didn't tell hardly anyone. I'm tired of all the comments I've heard like you..."just quit eating so much" and "isn't there anything else you could have done..you couldn't do it on your own" Nooo thank you. I finally told one of my good friends last week...he of course was unsupportive and told me how against it he is. Well you know what, they haven't been through the same things either. I haven't told my husbands family because since Ive given birth (the first time) They CONSTANTLY remind me how my body isn't the same! Believe me I know!! I see it everyday. I get the worst comments and made fun of. So, I chose not to say anything. Let whomever think what they want and you dont' have to explain yourself to anyone. Let them wonder just what you're doing. You can tell them diet and excercise..they might want to try it! My husband was very supportive and has been my rock. We had a heart to heart and he explained how scared he was but still supported me. I felt bad because he had noone to talk to other than me. Good luck with your weight loss. You'll do great. Try not to worry about your neighbors. **made that mistake too** Tell people if you're comfortable if not..it's none of their business.

Rebekkah, I love the picture! I think one of my biggest fears has been not being able to have a beer when I am out on my boat sporting a new swimsuit! I too don't want to hear the comments, I guess that is why I am going to be more selective about who I tell from now on. I did not tell my husbands family either, not because of their reaction (although none of the women weigh more than 110 pounds wet!) but because I am not as close to them. Everyone's body changes after a baby and shame on them if they are making comments to you about your body. I am so glad your husband is supportive. My husband was scared too. Thanks for the support! TH

Congrats on the surgery and the success. I totally understand not wanting everyone knowing all your business. The best gift you can give yourself is to stay away from unsupportive, negative, judgmental jerks. They bring everyone down and not just in this situation. You can't rid yourself completely of them, but you can make a conscious effort to decrease their impact on your life as much as possible not be affected by what they say any more than you can help. My advice is: work consciously toward developing a circle of people around you who are on your side. There aren't a lot of people like that, but if you look, you can find a few. Everyone else be darned! Tell the people who you feel that you have some trust in (if you want to) and expect the best. Put everyone else on a "need to know" basis.