HUSBAND NOT SUPPORTIVE

I am so sad right now. I have been wanting to do this surgery for about ten years now. I finally worked up the nerve to look into regarding my surgery. My husband knows how important this is to me. The process from the first appointment with my surgeon to getting an approval from the insurance company has been easy and painless and relatively quick. I got a surgery date of December 11th. We all know how historical it is for us hearing the we got approved and have a surgery date. I'm sure we would move hell and earth to make it to our surgery date. It is something I think only a person in our situation could truly understand. Not only did he ask me to change the date to sometime after the first of the year and maybe even into summer but he also doesn't think he can be there for me for my surgery. He doesn't want to take the time away from work because it would be unpaid leave. My position is you are there for your spouse NO MATTER WHAT! You deal with the consequences as they come to you. I am just in such a state of despair this is causing me to question my marriage. No to mention I had a really crappy Thanksgiving Holiday. My daughter, who leaves in Oregon, has offered to fly out to be with me before, during, and after my surgery. The only problem is, she is new to her job and doesn't really have the money to fly out and I don't have the money to give her to help her fly out either. But it is such a disturbing realization to know that my daughter would try to move hell and earth to be here for me but my husband won't. Last summer, my youngest three daughters' father (from a prior marriage) tried to kidnap them and I was in such an emotional state trying to figure out what to do. But my current husband wouldn't even think about taking time away from work to be with me to help me out to go fight for the return of my youngest three daughters. I know I'm ranting and raving right now, but I am just so sad and really afraid that his current lack of support is just an indication of things (or lack thereof) to come. Thoughts?

Lisa: I'm sorry to hear that your husband has chosen to not be supportive. My family is just the opposite, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it. I figure they'll need their own waiting room and will have a 6ft sub brought in for lunch Only kidding.... Do you suppose that maybe, he is scared and won't talk to you about it and that's why he is putting up all of those road blocks to saying he can't take the time off or pushing the surgery out? I guess I want to give him the benefit of doubt. You need to decide what is BEST for you and only YOU can decide that. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers. My surgery is scheduled for the 5th - only a week from tomorrow. A lot of people get really nerous about now, I'm really at peace with what I'm doing and the surgeon and hospital where I'm having it at. You need to find that Peace as well. My Very Best Wishes to You, Peggy

Well, my mother is not supportive either, but as I see it there comes a time and place where you need to do what is best for you. This is what I have decided to do, thank heavens you have a wonderful daughter that is willing to drop everything and help you. Best of luck to you. Bridget

Hi Lisa, I'm having the same trouble. My wife is not supportive of me having the surgery. But you have to do what you know is right. I'm sure you had trouble with your weight for many years like myself and have come to realize that hopefully this is the right thing to do to fix our problem. bets of luck to you. Dan

Hi Lisa, First off let me say that I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. You have come to the right place to get support. Being on these boards for a while now I can tell you that this isn't uncommon. Now I am no pyschologist by any means (I am a nurse) but I can tell you from what I have seen on the boards this usually happens for 2 reasons. 1) he is either jealous because he has some weight himself he needs to lose/or just a low self-esteem that he fears what you will be like once you lose the weight or 2) he is just afraid for your well-being and worried sick you will have a complication, etc or maybe a touch of both. I think if your spouse is one that is someone insecure anyways, this can really put a lot of strain on a relationship. Now this is just *MY* opinion. If you are anything like me you have health problems secondary to your weight and know that it is just a matter of time before these problems escalate into something bigger because of your obesity and then you are worse off if you didn't have the surgery. He needs to understand this, if he cannot understand this then he needs to deal with his own demons. Most of us that are obese, myself included have spent years making others happy and have turned to food as our comfort, this is me to a "T", I was a very emotional eater and with me being a nurse I did it to the extreme sometimes. I decided for the first time in my life that I was gonna get selfish and have the surgery. I am very lucky that the husband I married is also a postop RNY patient, he had it before I met him in 2002. So no issues there really, however I do think deep down he knows what kind of ride I am in for and does have some worrying because he has made comments like "get ready for all the attention and your psychological not keeping up with the physical". But I know he is the most supportive person I could have. Now my folks.. wow, they swalled a lump in their throat when I told them. But they have come to realize that with my health problems as a 29 year old that have creeped up on me in the last year, that this is the last resort and have seen me struggle through the years as an obese person when they themselves are not obese. I told htem to just live one day in my shoes and see how it is, going to the doctor, taking pills, getting looked at, being asked by a patient when I was "due". They were quiet after that and supportive as much as they can be, of course they are afriad, I wouldn't expect anything different from them they are my family and I love them. But back to your husband, I would do it if you feel it is right for you, I wouldn't look back if you know this is truly what you want for yourself. You have come a long way to back out now. He will either come to realize that you are not doing this just selfishly but for both of you or he will decide to go another direction and hun if that other direction is to leave, then maybe there are greener pastures elsewhere as hard as that is for me to say. You deserve happiness, love and support all around you, and at this time that is exactly what you are gonna need. Maybe write him a letter if he isn't able to sit down and talk to you.. at least you have said what you need to say and go into this knowing he knows all of your intentions and what you need from him. Maybe offer to be supportive of him on something he has always wanted to do but neither hasn't had the time etc, to persue. Also tell him how important it is that he be there for you that day, even if it means paying a bill late or something just so you have him at your side, include this in your letter to him. I don't know if any of this helps, but I felt compelled to write a response and offer any suggestions I could, I am not in your sitation, I don't even know you or your husband, but I hope you find inner peace to make a decision you are happy with. God Bless you, Melissa

maybe, and it's a small maybe, he's probably insecure about how fyne you're gonna look and how you might leave him once you reach your goal. a lot of spouses run away cuz they don't know how to handle the new you and they figure they'll dump you before they get dumped. it depends on how strong yer marriage is, i guess. a lot of spouses who are thin themselves want their spouse to be fat and at home because they know you won't have the desire to stray or think you could do better. i'm just being real. mine has been so mean to me that I'll probably be the one to bail afterward.