Hi Kim I have felt this way for a long while. Slowly watching my sanity float away and watching the pounds start to creep up again. I know I should feel better about myself. I started this journey at 371 pounds and am now at 195. I could be less, I can admit that. I have though, been down to 185 and these extra 10 pounds I have put back on have made me terribly depressed. I know what I need to do, I really do. Its putting it all into action again. More water, protein and exercise. Less carbs, no grazing and complaing about things without acting on them. Life has been particularly stressful lately and I have just went back on the anti depressant to help with that. Its just trying to carve out enough "me" time. I even have been afraid to go to my surgeons office because the NP (that you have to see before you see the Dr) there seems to thrive on making others feel bad (and im not the only one of his patients that i have heard say that, so its not me) I, too, wonder most days what the heck have I done to myself, not only by allowing myself to have the surgery, but what I have allowed myself to become since the surgery. No, you are not alone, I feel like you do. Another down day for me, but I am hoping that if i slowly stick to what I need to do, that slowly day by day it will get better. I miss the me i was just 10 pounds ago. I want that confident woman back!!! I am going to get myself back on track slowly, as i know it took me a while to get these darn habits back, it will probably take me a while to get rid of them again. Keeping better records of my activities and intake will help also. Good luck and if you ever need to talk, pls feel free

Hi to all my great buddies here on this Message Board. I truly love you all guys who have taken me through this journey I have been blessed to have been on. My good news..... I have decided that in a few months I will making the move to live with my boyfriend. After 20 years of seperation from my husband, I have also made the move to consult an attorney about...."DIVORCE" I think the move should be around June or July. I have been living alone for many years and in the same house for 30 years. I am having trouble letting go of memories here, but it is time. I know my boyfriend will be there to help me through this. I know I am alone. Well ..I got that off my chest. Tell me about you guys!!!! How are all of you doing?

Julie, Congradulations to you. I hope you are fine and healthy. I think there is a forum on Pregnancy. If you look on the Main page you may find it.I am sure that there you can get helpful hints. I am sure you will be fine in your food choices and you know already what food is good for you and what is bad.. You will be fine.My baby is going to be 30 so that department is long forgotten in my head Keep us posted OK Lorraine

I had an internal hernia also. My very wonderful surgeon did not blow me off but gave me every test and medication he could think of, took out my gall bladder and finally did a laparascopy which did reveal a little kink. He said my symptoms were different than any other but he worked very hard to find an answer. One other thing he did that helped was treat me for H Pylori. You have to find a doctor who won't give up on you sweetie. Alice

Hi Joan! I am so sorry you are going through this, but I also have to say I am so glad I am not alone. I have been dealing with the exact, and I mean EXACT same thing since December of 2004. I was doing great until 1 year out, almost to the day, when I was brought to my knees, literally, in pain. Please check out my profile. I did alot of updating back then, but since this has all started with me, I have basically lost my want to talk about my surgery, especially now. I am asking myself tonight. Was it worth it? What did I do to myself? I am so unhappy right now. Since December of 2004 when the pain first started, it has been a battle. But not a constant battle. From December 04' to March 05', I bounced from OK one day to wanting to die the next. But eventually the attacks, as I call them, got less in pain and further apart. I actually thought I was getting better this past few months since I hadn't had any real crippling pain since August or September that lasted more then 2 days. That was until last saturday night. Since last saturday the 18th of March, I have been going back and forth from being nauseas and uncomfortable to crying because I hurt so bad. Each time I eat, I chew my food in small bites until I have pulverized it, but after only 3-4 bites, I am in the bathroom, vomiting. Soon afterwards, the pain starts. And it just builds, like a volcano waiting to erupt. It starts almost at the same time in my back and in my stomach. But I believe that my stomach gets tender first, that builds then the agonizing twisting burning pain starts in my back. I can't lay down, thats worse. I can't stand up, because it feels as though my insides are being stretched and it hurts something awful. I can't so anything but cry and rock myself. Until tonight, well Saturday night...it's now almost 3 Sunday morning, I had seen 11 different doctors. Some from the ER. Some specialists. No one can give me an answer. In early 05' I had 2 EGD's, 1 colonoscopy, multiple x-rays, a cat scan of the abdomen, and I couldn't even begin to tell you how much barium sulfate I have had to drink in 3 different hospitals while they all ran the exact same tests. All of this for them to come back with either nothing, or a diagnosis that now makes no sense to me. I have been given 3 different diagnosis, by 3 different doctors. Doctor 1 said it was inflammation and a kink in my small intestines. He put me NPO for 2 days so the "kink" would work itself out. how I got the irritation was a mystery to him. Dr #2 told me that it was inflammation, but he didn't know what from, and also told me I had 2 Cysts, so I had to take birth control to shrink them down. Dr #3 said it was caused my a mistake in my surgery, and now I don't properly digest my food, meaning it goes straight through my stomach into the intestines. Eventually the undigested food is irritating my small intestines. Diagnosis #3 made some sense ot me. SO I followed his orders to chew my food well, avoid hard foods, and sit a small amount of liquid after every bite to make that foods journey a smooth one. But even after doing this, the pain still would return from time to time. Now back to tonight/this AM. I am on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. I am in horrible pain. I haven't eaten anything and kept all of it down for over a week now. About 3/4 of everything I take in, comes right back out, then leaves me miserable for hours afterwards. I have lost whats going on 7 lbs Since I weighed myself last sunday. I am also PISSED! I finally broke down tonight/saturday night and went to the ER. I had the BIGGEST *****S and I am NOT ashamed to say that, so please if that offends anyone reading this, take in account my pain and what I am about to tell you next. He had the GALL to tell me it was just a price I would have to pay for the surgery. When I asked him WHY I was having this pain, he looked me in the eye and said, "Your tests are all perfect. The X-Ray showed nothing. Your Dr. on the phone said to keep you over night, keep you on IV flood because you are dehydrated, give you meds for the nausea, then you go home in the AM. So I asked him what they were going to do to find out where this pain is coming from, and this no good excuse for a Doctor said, "You should have came in earlier then midnight, and earlier then a week out. I don't have time to stand here and tell you all of the possibilities it could be. I can tell you alot of people have complications from this surgery, and you are going to have to deal with it. It's after midnight, and i am too busy to spend any more time with you." My husband nearly strangled him, and I was near tears, I was so pissed off. I want some answers. So what. All of my tests come out clear, but I KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON!!!!!!!!! But noone cares enough to find out what they are. I even suggested he get a doctor, someone, anyone, to do an exploratory. Actually, I pleaded, because I am beyond desperate. He went back to the excuse I typed above. I wanted too long tome come in. It's too late. He's busy......blah blah blah. So I said screw it. Made them take out my IV, and checked myself out. If they aren't going to help me, then i don't know what else to do. I wanted to scream at him, plead with him, and just kick him to the ground I was so angry. He treated me like I was stupid for wanting to better my life through this surgery. I did NOT deserve this treatment. All I can do now is cry. I'm so lost right now. I'm desperate, and I am still in pain 4 hours after walking into the ER at 11 PM. I ate 3 times Saturday. The first time was 1 very small bite of spaghetti I was heating up on the stove. That 1 small bite put me in pain for 2 hours. Next, I decided to puree some spaghetti in my food processor. I even thinned it out with water. I mean, I am starving here. I can;t eat. I was desperate. But 3 bites in I started getting sick, and was in pain for an hour. Then I thought okay, make some instant pudding. So I did. Instant Pudding landed me in the ER tonight. Instant Pudding? It's so thin and smooth. What the hell is wrong with me? I had to run into the ER holding vomit in my mouth. I threw up in the car on the way there. And 2X after I got there. And ALL THEY RAN WAS A NORMAL CHEST X-RAY! WHAT GIVES???????????????????????? Why won't someone help me?