Negative families & WLS

I've posted this to the California board as well, but wanted reactions or comments from my peers here too. So my Sister in-law and kids came out for two weeks at the begining of July. The initial reaction from her and my niece was to be expected I guess. I can't really say how it made me feel to have them stare at me and point out all the changes they saw in me. The last time they saw me I weighed 314 lbs. so it's expected that they needed to get used to my appearance. I kinda felt like a freak on parade. What was not expected was the guilt I felt, I felt guilty for losing weight!! Whats up with that?? My sister in-law struggles like all of us here do with her weight, my niece (14) is also begining to understand the self-esteem issues related to weight gain. I try to be there for them, give my sister in-law advice, be supportive. But like we all know it is up to us to take the steps necessary to lose weight. I don't know why I felt guilty, I guess I just want her to be happy with herself and I'm not implying she isn't, but I know her pretty good. Also, more important is that I am not giving her advise unless she asks for it. I could not and would not do that to anyone because I know how it feels. I find it strange that she has not called me since she has gone home on the 20th. I wonder what the impact of my weight loss has really had on her.... Nothing prepares you for this... The other night I tell my husband that I'm in the 220's now, his reply really bothered me. He said, "Don't you think it's time to stop losing now?" and "You told me your doctor said you would get to about 220 lbs. and that would be it!" and this is the worst part, he said, "You know I don't like skinny women!" I said Um, ok! "I can't just stop losing now, what do you want me to do?" and by the way, "I weighed 180 lbs. 20 years ago when we first got together" I finally told him "you could leave if you want to, because I won't stop losing until I get to my goal weight of 180 lbs. and by the way....Screw you!!" He of course would not leave me and he knows I would never leave him, but where is all this coming from? Sometimes I feel like I've pissed more people off because of my weight loss then anything. Why can't people just be accepting and loving and choose their words in a more constructive way? I am still the insecure/sensitive person I was before and words cut deep. If anyone has advise on how to cope with the reactions of family members or friends from this surgery please let me know. Thanks for all your support and kindness in advance, Di~

I find it strange that she has not called me since she has gone home on the 20th. I wonder what the impact of my weight loss has really had on her.... My opinion is that she is terrified. She doesn't want to be the way she is, yet can't commit to change. You scared her. Not intentionally, of course, but seeing you in the changes your body has gone through has scared her. Plus, there is probably some jealousy there as well. It is a natural thing for them to feel that way. Don't let it get to you. He of course would not leave me and he knows I would never leave him, but where is all this coming from? Again, my opinion, as my DH has told me, what happens when you do get skinny? Are you going to leave me for a younger, thinner guy? He's afraid to loose you. Reassure him, a lot, that you love him and have no intention of going any where without him. Men don't like to admit it, but they need assurance too, just like women. Nona -104 and lovin' it

I think your absolutely right on both parts. I will start the re-assurance process with my dh, as for my sister in-law I'm at a loss. We've alway been close, but this surgery has certainly put a rift between us. Hopefully she'll get over herself and come around. Thanks, Di~

Hi Diane, My hubby tells me not to get any smaller too. I laughed at him and said I wanted to get to 125 (I haven't weighed that since the 6th grade) and he would just have to like it. My hubby doesn't like "skinny" women either (so he says); I was a 16 when we met 10 years ago. He tells me that he enjoys spending time alone with me more now b/c I am so much happier with myself. My hubby is in the Army and he has seen a couple of men staring at me or talking about me at the pool. He has never been the jealous type (ever) and now he doesn't get mad when it happens...he gets a smile on his face and usually holds my hand or gives me a hug. He says he needs to let them know that i'm taken. We are going home to Georgia next month for a wedding and I have not seen any of my extended family (just my parents and in-laws) since just after surgery. I am so looking forward to it!! I asked my hubby if he was going to be full of Public display of attention (PDA) b/c he never was into hand holding before the surgery...he laughed and said yes and we are going to do everything in town and see everyone back home... I have to show off my trophy wife-- you're hotter than any of the other wives! What a nut! My hubby had to see the same doctor I did for my psych evaluation before I had the surgery. She explained the jealousy issue and the feeling that the one having the surgery may want to leave the relationship...we have worked on those feelings b/c for a while there I think he thought that might happen. I love him dearly and he feels the same and we both know that we are in this for the long haul and now I am just happier with me; which makes our relationship even more enjoyable. ~Rachel

Diane...I think we all have some negative reaction w/WLS. Its a shame that people have to get jealous. One of my sisters says she won't be able to stand it if I look better than her. Then when I mention PS...she said I am just going to be artifical! Then there is grandma who says I am getting too skinny...LOL. I think it is b/c people are uneducated about WLS and they are not confident in themselves. My hubby is wonderful. He says its like a new wife! He loves the attention and is confident in our marriage. He has always been a great encourager during this entire process. I hope your family comes around in the mean time keep your head up! You look great~~~~ Karie -98lbs

Thank you Kari, I hope they come around too. Di~

Diane.... How are you girl? You are doing wonderful on your weight loss. Yes there will be some that are bothered by it but............. FREAK THEM! I don't have that negativity from my family but from co-workers I do. I have lost 100pds. I now weighing 145 lbs wearing a size8 now. I feel great except for this back pain and being in hospital lately to rule out any complications. I am tall and slender now and get the worse comments you have ever heard....... I say it is "JEALOUSLY". Some people at work just pass me up don't say HI and just stare. Others make the stupidest comments to me. Oh my God Lorraine.... Do you have cancer??? or they say Do tell me the HIV virus has gotten to you has it? How much stupider can you get huh? You sister in law will get over it or she was not such a good sister in law to you... Sad to say... Keep up your good work and your husband will survive also. He may be threatned that you will leave him. Maybe he feels insecure.. You just keep on this journey with us ok??? Lorraine and KEEP OK? Peace be with you and hold your head up high. Enjoy this gift you have been given to enjoy life healthier

Di, My hubby has not offered one bit of support. He even chose to leave town on busines days before my surgery and only flew in to see me at the hospital because of serious complication, otherwise he would not have been at my bedside. I feel we have a good marriage except for this. I had my surgery on 1.12.04 and to this day he says very little, "are you having a pea for dinner?, what do you want to drink with dinner?" He actually told me that my pinky looks thin yesterday, I was shocked because next to that, he only made a comment about my disappearing boobs!!! My mother told me that I have no boobs and the little I do have left droop to my stomach. Di, do you know what I say to this........I don't care! I know that I made the right decision for me. I feel so much better, physically and emotionally. This sense of empowerment just makes me not doubt the best decison of my life. I hope this helped. Patty

Hi Diane. I know exactly where you are coming from. My sister-in-law (who only lives 1 mile from me) has also stopped contacting me, or trying to see me since about a week before I had my surgery, which was 12-23-03. She didn't call to check up on me post-op, and the first time I even brought up the surgery with her was when I was about 3 months out, and I was the one to call her and slyly bring up how much I had lost. Please keep in mind, that for 5 years back when I was weighing 262 lb's, and I was heavier then her, she called me on a daily basis, and my DH and I went out with her and her hubby every weekend without fail (we were like best friends ). I'm now 7 month post op, and we havent been out to dinner with them, or to their house to play games since I was pre-op. I know it is because she is jealous i've had surgery, and now she is no longer the smaller one. I actually passed her up about 5 months ago. I feel she really has alot of resentment towards me for my decision. And as sad as it sound's, I DO NOT CARE. I did this for myself, and my children. Not for her self-esteem. I know shes unhappy with herself, but she needs to do somthing about it. It's not my place to do so. Her actions, like you in-law's, are selfish. When it comes to decisions like the ones we have made, we did it with ourselves in mind, and the ones we love most, like our DH's and the babies we would die for. I have decided if my S-I-L can't accept me for the way I am outside (but still the same inside), then I am not going to try any more. I'm happy. My hubby's happy, and my kid's are happy, but most importantly, I am feeling better, and healthier then I have been since high school. Thats what counts. Hang in there. I hope for you, that one day she will realize what she's missing out on, and come to her senses. 262/161/150 (Almost to goal. Yippee )

I think your sister-in-law is looking at a mirror. She sees her size and her problems and it supercedes her feelings of happiness for your weight loss. In time I hope this changes as she adjusts to the healthier and thinner you. Do you go to a support group? My surgical group has a support group expecially for spouses, children, family, etc. I'm sure they go through emotional change seeing us shrink before their eyes. My family has been a wonderful support. My husband contends he just wants me to be healthy and feel good. My two older children, daughter-in-law and son-in-law seldom talk about my weight loss anymore. I only talk about my weight loss if they bring it up. My youngest daughter looked at my before/after pictures and says she hardly remembers me being like the first picture. It's only been 7 1/2 months but she sees me everyday -- adjustments have been easier for her. I guess if you haven't seen somebody for a long time they feel like they are meeting a new person. You have done well and you have a practical goal in mind. I wish you continued success. God bless. Luvitsunnyv