QOD 6/8/04

Ok this is a NON weight loss related QOD but thought provoking none the less. For those of you with children maybe you can answer this-- for those of you without (myself included) maybe we can learn a few things! Here's some background-- I have never been a huge fan of having kids. Most of my HS friends couldn't wait to get married and have babies. IT was the farthest thing from my mind. As I got into my mid 20's and decided I was ready to get serious about marriage and actually found a man that I was willing to have his children--it became more of a reality. So here I am at 30 1/2 ....we originally were supposed to start trying this summer for kid #1 but that is put off til next summer with surgery/school. I am soooo not upset by this delay at all...and when I think about all of the things I want to still do in my life ---they don't include children. I think I am scared about the responsibility of taking care/molding another human being. Yeah, I do great with my dogs but that's different! DID any of you have fears about becoming parents? How did you get over it? What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Worst thing? Do you think your life would have been incomplete without having children or would you have been just as happy without them? I know tough questions!! BUT that is me-- I think/plan tooo much!

Hi Shannon, I have a lot to say, so I'll email you Lisa G

Shannon good question.... I did not plan my 1st child I was 18 when I got preg and 19 when I had her...So I missed out on alot... But it is so well worth it... she is almost 10 yrs old and She is so smart and very grown up. I am so proud of her...(her father and I split up when she was 2) Then I met another man and we actually planned on having my 2nd child (another daughter) and then when she was 1 her dad died... We of course never planned on that. But she is soon to be 5 and She is my shadow I can't pee without her... And she is also my bad one... Very destructive. she needs to be busy all of the time... But I love her so much she looks just like her dad. She says the cutest things. The kids and I were talking about Ronald Regan passing and She said He sounds like Donald the duck... In her mind Ronald Regan sounded like somthing she knew Donald the Duck... To me That was so funny how your kids Associate things... And then the other day the phone rang and she dashed to get it and The person on the other end Says Hi Can I speak to your mom or your dad... She looked at the phone and SAID" Like they were supposed to know) I don't have a dad He's DEad.... I turned around and looked at her.... Like Oh my god did she just say that to someone... Things like that make. My life with my kids... Even when I think God I have had enough... The good things happen. And it makes it all worth being a parent.... As far as planning I never planned on being a single parent But I work hard at it... I have a 3 bedroom apt... Which is mine all my furniture was brand new Which I bought bymyself... And My kids are clothed and fed all of the time... I am proud of me.. I do it all bymyself... With out help... Sometimes Money is short and I decide Hrmmm the phone bill or Grocerys... Well the kids have to eat... But I always Seem to make the best out of it... Someone once told me... You need to go with your gut... Even if its the wrong answer , your only wrong 50% of the time and Most times you can fix it. And the outcome is never really that bad... Relax Do it when your body is ready.... You will be very suprised how selfless you become... (sorry it was very long winded)

Hello Shannon, I desperately wanted children. My maternal instinct kicked in and I just thought that I was going to die if I did not get pregnant and have a baby. I think the more you want them the more you will cherish them, not resent them. Just because you or your husband think it is the thing to do, to be at your age and at this stage of your lives, that makes it time to have children. If you can see your life without them then maybe you are one of the ones not supposed to have them. Not everyone is meant to be a mother. Every woman wonders about whether they should or should not have children and even as desperately as I needed mine in my life, there are always days that I think, I shouldn't have had them (as they drive you MAD on these days) I can't imagine NOT having them, I would not be complete and my life would be empty. I just wonder if a person who, before having children, who could take or leave having them, will feel on those bad days, like all women have, when they wonder AFTER having them, if they should have! (did that make sence?) It sounds to me like you are caving in to societal pressures. "You are a woman, therefore you must have children." This is not the case AT ALL!!! If you really want children, have children. If you don't, there is NOTHING wrong with that! You do what your heart tells you to do. YOU are the one who will have to care for them 99% of the time! Don't let anyone pressure you into becoming a mother until you are ready. IF you are ever ready! If not, thats fine too! Tracy

Shannon, When I was around 30, I wanted children very badly. But, when we actually started trying to have them, my body decided that it was time to go through menopause. I was devastated, and spent years dealing with the frustrations and emotions surrounding infertility. Now, however, I am so greatful to God that I wasn't able to have children. My husband and I enjoy our time together, traveling and staying active, and don't have to worry about child care, future educational costs, etc. I find now that I am far too selfish to have been a good parent. While I know I would have loved my children, I also would have resented the responsibility. Not that there aren't times that the longing doesn't surface briefly, but then I go spoil a niece or nephew and get it out of my system. I am awed by the truly great parents I know, and continue to be thankful that I wasn't given the opportunity to be a not-so great... Anyway, I absolutely do not feel that my life is in any way incomplete for not having had children. It is just very full of other things. Deb

My answer to this question is to love the people in your life. I don't believe that love is a feeling, but an action, to show them love. If you are giving love you will be happy, whether you have children or not. I have four children and one granddaughter. Every single day I tell them that they have brought joy to me from the moment they were born, that they are precious to me and they make my life full and rich. We laugh a lot. (One daughter doesn't live with us anymore) My girls are 25, 23, and twins that are 15. My granddaughter is 4 months. We all go walk in the park together everyday unless it rains. If you want children I think just from your posts you would be a wonderful, sharing, teaching mother. If you don't, you make the world a brighter place just being you.

I have a 5 year old daughter- and she is my life. But I was like those friends of yours in high school who could not wait to have babies. I have a sister who had a little boy when she was 19 and I think that she really did not have a clue about what having a child is about. She leaves him with family all the time and basically does what she wants without any concern for him. This child wants to be with her so badly and wants her to be his mama- but partying is too important. Now- I dont think you are like her or anything-- I mean for pity's sake- I dont even know you.-- But I do know that she wanted a baby- like he would be a doll or something- I wanted to love a child- and I dont mind putting her first- and worrying about her and watching Mulan for the 100th time - I am scared of messing her up- especially when it comes to her weight- but I love hearing what comes out of her mouth - some of the questions she comes up with- if you like tough questions- then you will love having a 5 year old child. Of course the worst thing about having a child is you will never have privacy again- but- I have grown accustomed to it- and I guess I do get some privacy when I go to the bathroom at school- but then I get nervous because someone is not in there asking me what God looks like. Sorry I am rambling- but you did ask-- And my life would not be the same life without her- I mean- how would I even know all of the words to the Kim Possible theme song? LEah

DID any of you have fears about becoming parents? How did you get over it? What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Worst thing? Do you think your life would have been incomplete without having children or would you have been just as happy without them? Fears* Yes I had fears... I was terrified when we found out I was pregnant but I read a lot and lol... my family gave us lots of advice and half the time we didn't even ask for it. My favorite thing* I love looking at my boys sleeping! The look like Angels (even though I know better...lol) NO, really the greatest thing is having them hug me, kiss me and say "I love you Mommy!"...there's just something about hearing those words! Worst thing* My hubby and I can't jet off on our own, we have to plan everything (Like roadtrips... bathroom breaks etc). but you know what... now -- they are 5 and 3 and vacations mean more and are even more fun! I have always wanted children and for me... life would be different without kids... maybe not incomplete but I don't think I would feel as "rewarded" without my boys. I know that sounds so cheesy but I really do mean it! I just can't nor do I really want to imagine my life without them-- they are too much of my life! ~Rachel

DID any of you have fears about becoming parents? How did you get over it? What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Worst thing? I didn't get married until I was 28 and then experienced years of infertility. I absolutely ACHED for a child those years....a very low point of my life. Yes, I had fears....mainly the responsibility but having kids was fulfillment ot me. I finally had 2 boys, 20 months apart but not until my mid 30's. The best part of parenting is seeing them change and grow and mature. The worst part of parenting is the fact that both of mine are VERY strong-willed. Do you think your life would have been incomplete without having children or would you have been just as happy without them? My life would not have been complete without children but some of us have that deep desire and some don't. They are expensive, fun, exasperating, exciting, frustrating......all rolled up into one.....and they are the BEST thing that ever happened to me. They are a gift from God and I can't imagine my life without them. Jenni

HI there Shannon, I can try to answer how I feel about this....My baby is 27. I had children very young and at 24 I was finished having children. My husband had a good job and I was a stay at home mom. I did not have any fears of becoming a MOM. My favorite job of becoming a parent was that exact moment of birth. THERE IS NO GREATER FEELING OF I definetly think my life would not be complete without children. The worse thing that ever happened to me was in 1980 when my son was killed at 5 yrs old by a drunk driver. I felt as if my arm had been cut off. I was devastated. Children made my life very complete. When you are ready you will know it. Take your time with your decision.... Lorraine