will it ever end?

I feel so bad for being MIA and not having been around to offer support for others... and then to just drop in and say hey! remember me? can you help ME please? lame I know. I have been reading and I debate posting and end up thinking what I say wont matter THAT much because I'm too depressed to have logical helpful thoughts when I cant help myself.... I'm just going to paste what I just put in my profile cause I'm tired of typing and tired of thinking about it. I just need to vent! I am holding at 260... so I made my 100 lbs mark... yay. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and pleased and all that, but I am about at my ropes end right now. i have been sick for what might as well be a lifetime. ALMOST everything I ingest hurts... BAD. I'm either weak and hungry, sick and feel like I'm dying, in a world that doesnt quite feel like here cause I need vicodan to get through when I feel like I'm sick or dying, or on a pain medicine hangover. All of this in what must be the most busy summer of my life. I am taking full time college classes which are at an accelerated pace for summer, I enrolled my son in Karate and my daughter in dance, I got a new puppy. I was soooo ready and happy to be taking on so much and then BAM! suddenly I can't even get through one day it feels like- and to make it all worse... I still dunno whats wrong!!!! I go for my second upper GI which will hopefully confirm a hernia... yeah HOPEFULLY! WHY? cause then at least I'd know what was wrong and something can be done. This of course... is assuming they can somehow manage to do the test with my kids there because I have no babysitter. Im frustrated beyond beleif. Im tired of being in pain. If I have to reschedule that means a whole nother wee****il I can get in and even if I get in tomorrow, then who knows when I could fit in the surgery if thats what it comes to, because I have no one to watch my kids.... Im sorry.... this is about as pity party as it gets and I wish I didnt feel so sad and desperate.... how do single mothers do it?!?!?!?!

I prayed for you, and until you are completely recovered, my girls and I will pray for you nightly. Who would be able to be happy feeling as you are. I feel like crying myself just reading about how you are doing. I hope you get in tomorrow. Try to rest and keep in mind that people out there are praying for you if you are not strong enough.

Shauna, You came to the right place and I also am praying for you. I have often wondered myself how single moms manage....I honestly don't know the answer to that. You are trying to "better" your life in so many ways right now but are feeling overloaded. Take it a day at a time. I know that is easy to say and not so easy to do. How old are your kids? This might be a good time to teach them some real compassion. Don't completely hide from them what you are going through. I'm not saying burden them but let them know you REALLY need their help with behavior and other things as you don't feel well. My kids, like most children are pretty self-centered, but the last two days since I had some more minor surgery, they have been pretty thoughtful....though I did have to remind them a couple times that I was "recovering" to get them thinking that way again. Keep us posted when you can. God bless. Jenni

I have no great words of wisdom.....Just writing to you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping everything works out for the best.....Congrats on the century mark.....You might not feel good right now, but you are still doing amazing!!! Hopefully they will figure out what is wrong with ya after the GI.....take your kids with you, if they don't want them in the room during the procedure they can always wait in the recpetionist area......If they wanna fuss about it........be honest and tell them sorry but you have NO other options and you NEED to have this done NOW!!!!!! Your last sentence hits home to me.....I wish I didn't feel so sad and desperate.....Have you ever thought about asking your doctor about depression....maybe a little meds might help you......I have been on depression meds for awhile.....Sometimes I will start to feel so good that I quit taking my pills......then I end feeling sad and desperate and realize I NEED that medicine right now in my life!!! We had MAJOR sugery and lost a huge comfort (food) we need all the help we can get coping.....especially with all your stresses!!! Please consider what I am saying....I want you to feel good for you and your kids.....Take Care Jesi

Hi Shawna, don't feel bad about coming here for help! Everyone of us needs help every now and then. Just know that we are here and thinking about you and praying for you. Jill

Hi there Shawna, I am praying that everything works out well for you. I know first hand what it is like to be a single parent. I raised my daughter all alone.I used to work nights and when I had no sitter she came with me and slept on the coach in the nursing home. As far as your health I hope everything works out well. I hope they do find out what is wrong with you and that you will be in good health soon. Do keep us posted ok..... Lorraine

Shawna, Don't worry, things will get better, and we are always here for you to vent. It can make us feel a little better sometimes sharing our problems with others who understand where we are coming from. You are probably having an influx of estrogen causing the depression. I had one a few weeks ago. I think it mixed with PMS PLUS the EXTRA Estrogen from weight loss it gave me a double whammy that put me seriously in the dumps for a few days. It was like I just HATED my life! I was (and still am not) losing any weight, so the extra estrogen theory is just that, a theory. But I know how you feel! It WILL get better soon! You have done wonderfully and always know that we are here for you!!! Message board and email, phone if you need it too! Love, Tracy

Shawna, I am so sorry for all the things going on with you right now, but I can say that I know how you feel for the most part. I was a single parent for a while, worked full time, and was a full time college student. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel on most days. I also understand about having no babysitter. I have four kids and no one wants to babysit all of them at once and it seems when a grandma gets a couple of them, we always have the other two. Very rarely do we ever get a night alone to go out or anything. As luck would have it, the two grandmas are keeping them tonight but you would know that my hubby has a gig (He DJ's on the side) tonight from 8-1am so either I can go sit up there with him or stay home and be bored. I would take the kids with you to the hospital and just let them know that you have no other choice. You can only do what you can do. My advice to you is to keep on keeping on and take one day and one step at a time. I think we all have days that we would rather throw the covers up over our heads and just stay there... You have all of us here for you and we are all praying for you to get through this time. I know that when your body is attacking you, you cant be happy about anything but once you are physically feeling better, your emotional state should improve also. If not, I would seek your PCP's advice. Hold your head high and don't let your body get you down. Hang in there girl. Staci

They can't be in the room with you because an upper GI involves floroscopic radiation exposure- very high dosages and even another adult can't be in the room unless they are fully shielded hospital personel. However- take them with you and someone will save you by watching them for a few minutes in the hall or desk area. They can stay in the room with you until the radiation is started and then they can be herded into the hall with a helper from the staff. An upper GI doesn't take long and they have dealt with this before- guaranteed. Hang in there- Edi