THE FIRST 166 DAYS OF THE REST OF MY LIFE; A PREMATURE RETROSPECTIVE

~Namaste~

On Friday, 03/06/2009, I had my 3 month post-op with my surgeon.  It has been 107 days since surgery on 11/19/2008.

Everyone can see by the ticker and century card in my signature line that I have lost over 100 pounds since 10/01/2008. I am ecstatic about the number on the scale, the fact that I can purchase cheap clothes at regular retail stores, my ability to wear a seatbelt in cars, the luxurious bubble baths I can now enjoy, and a million other things (including the Wii/Wii Fit I got a week ago after reaching my first major goal of weighing under 300 pounds for the first time in 10 years).   I am thrilled at my current status as "super morbidly obese" as opposed to “super super morbidly obese".  However, ALL of those things pale in comparison to my improved health, awareness of my physical body, and improved mental outlook.

Some of you may know that I suffer from a myriad of health issues.  Fortunately, none of those is life-threatening in the sense that I, due to genetics and lots of luck, don't have diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, asthma, etc.  I was one of those relatively "healthy fat people".  There was just one problem; I was miserable.  One day, 08/21/2008 to be exact,   I was told by my family doctor that I needed to learn to live with my chronic pain, as well as the resulting issues with mobility and depression, after literally an entire spring and summer spent having various procedures, consultations, labs, etc. performed.  Not one of those so called specialists could make a definitive diagnosis although all agreed that something was wrong, even given my obesity, based upon the results of those labs and exams.  I love my PCP; she's been my physician since 2001.  She'd witnessed my demise from a highly functioning and relatively happy fat woman (we've actually checked my records, I weighed 331 pounds at my first visit with her) to a barely functioning and very physically ill mess.  On the night of 08/21/2008 I contemplated another 40 years of misery and knew that there was no way in hell I wanted to live like that.  I went to bed very angry, frustrated, and contemplating my next move; possibly my final one.  That was 166 days ago.

08/21/2008 is my rebirth day.

I awoke on the morning of 08/22/2008 and told my husband, given that the medical establishment's best offer was to treat the symptoms of my pain, which was difficult due to my extremely adverse and atypical response to most medication, I needed to do the one thing I knew that I could do for myself that *might* help me to help myself; I was going to have WLS.  Since making that decision, I have not looked back. 

Some people may roll their eyes when I say that your attitude determines your reality.  I can only assure you that my attitude has determined my reality.  My insurance didn't cover any treatment for obesity regardless of BMI or co-morbidities.  I am not wealthy and I have been unemployed since March 2008 when I was fired after my FMLA ran out (I was actually fired, via certified letter, 3 days after being told that I might have cancer based on repeat CT's that showed enlarged and growing lymph nodes in my groin and pelvic areas, 2 days after my release from the hospital).  My husband makes a decent salary as a computer programmer, but we aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination.  We paid cash for my surgery by wiping out our entire savings account.  We now live paycheck to paycheck and have no cushion, especially in this economy.  I knew, in my head and heart, that WLS, the VSG specifically, was the tool I needed to achieve long term weight loss, and I knew that I would succeed.  I have chosen to view everything over the course of the past 4 months through that lens.

I had an extremely bad reaction to anesthesia and other drugs necessary to perform surgery.  I was happy I woke up.  I was on a liquid diet for two months.  I chose to make finding new liquids a treasure hunt (who knew they made such a thing as corn broth?).  I have migraines, arthritis, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome; I can currently count on anywhere from 5 to 10 days a month of almost total disability and extreme discomfort; 4 months ago, that disability was every day...that's a 75% improvement!   I was told to walk walk walk post-op and literally, due to bilateral osteoarthritis, chondromalacia patella, and meniscal injury, I can't do that without risking further permanent injury and days of pain afterwards.  Even now, after losing over 100 pounds, I can't walk with much speed or endurance.  I can do other things.  I started with yoga, added water aerobics, and on Thursday of last week, I'd worked up to 16 laps of actual swimming.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I will succeed.

I am not an anomaly; we all have the power to choose to live for today and celebrate every single small victory just by acknowledging our own strength and having the courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other.  We can do this even when we are struggling or after a "failure".  Part of learning, or actually allowing myself to re-learn and believe this has been to approach my health, both physical and mental, in a way that that incorporates traditional western medicine with alternative/complimentary therapies.  I do yoga (I attend a class weekly as well as practicing at home).  I meditate and do breathing exercises.  I see a massage therapist.  I've seen a reputable chiropractor, whose specialty is sports rehab, but who has agreed to work with me, too.  I had my first experience with craniosacral therapy yesterday and it was amazing.  I am going to try acupuncture in a few weeks.  Again, you can roll your eyes if you'd like, but I've taken the approach of throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks.  If something helps, I pursue it.  If it doesn't, well at least I tried. 

If any of you had known me 166 Days ago, you wouldn't have known the same person.  I was hiding.  I was in pain.  I was ashamed.  I was afraid.  I was miserable.  Aside from the pain (which I am learning to deal with more effectively whi*****ludes simply acknowledging it) I am not that person any more.  I wasn't that person mentally when I joined OH because I had already made the decision to change my life.  I am glad you know this me.  I am thankful that many of you have been with me from the beginning on this freaking awesome journey and need to acknowledge that each of you has helped me to succeed.  I will be eternally grateful.

Amy

PS:  I'm not around on OH as much as I was pre-op and immediately post op.  Mostly because I am busy with all of the activities listed above as well as becoming very involved in WA WLS-related activities.  I will try to be better.  This post is dedicated to Beth K, Michelle D, Karin, and Terri just to name a diverse few of my original OH friends who continue to inspire me with their honesty, dedication to paying it forward, and commitment to providing support in a compassionate manner.  They are human, they talk the talk and walk the walk, and they are honest, even when they may feel ashamed at times regarding perceived failures or genuine befuddlement at how to proceed.  Thanks for keeping it real, gals!

Great post!  Your honesty and awareness is wonderful, and I'm so glad things are improving for you!  I know the date my life changed too - 2/25/2008.  It took 9 months to get my surgery, but that was the day that I knew I wanted to beat down all my disease and take back my life.

Congrats to you on your success - and here's to your improvement continuing!!

~Namaste~

Isn't it odd that in relation to WLS, we both, and probably many others, know the exact date, time, and cir****tance when our hearts and heads finally communicated, agreed, and we were able to muster all of our courage together in order to choose health and life. The way I describe it to others who are not familiar with all of the physical, psychological, and social aspects of obesity is that for me, it was like an alcoholic hitting bottom.  Thus far, it's that ongoing  process, the ongoing commitment to honesty, not just to others but to myself, that has been the most difficult part of my journey.  I had to admit to both myself and others that I need help.  So many of us had so carefully constructed a facade of strength via an attitide that we could take care of ourselves and devoted our energies to taking care of others in order to bury our own needs.  We thought that to acknowledge our needs, our fears, and our vulnerabilities would be a sign of defeat and an admission of guilt and failure. 

I did wave the white wave of surrender 166 days ago and my mind, body, and spirit have thanked me every day since.  It was only through admitting my weakness that I was able to prove, once and for all to my own self, that it wasn't just a facade; I am strong!  What a wonderful and wild ride!

Amy