Lowering expectations

Here's the deal - my psychologist thinks that I need to lower my expectations of other people. I totally agree with him but how do I do it? Does anyone else have this problem? My particular problem is that my sister is addicted to pain pills because she has a bad back and needs surgery. But she won't get surgery until after my mother passes away (she is very sick and my sister stays with her and takes care of her). I have offered to take 3 months off of work to stay with my mom either at my house in Charleston or their house 2 hours away. But she won't do it. I think that she either doesn't really need the surgery (which it doesn't look like to me) or she realizes she won't have the excuse to be stoned all the time after she has surgery (my guess). In the meantime she has let my mom's house go to pot and I hate going home to see my mom. It disgusts me! My doctor says that because I am the type of person to deal with my problems (WLS, seeing him, etc.) that I expect her to get help with her problems. But it seems like she doesn't want to and it is so aggravating to me. I worry about the care my mom is getting a little bit but not too much because mom my has Hospice and Home Health Care come to the house 3-5 days a week. My family always wants me to come on the weekends for the whole weekend but my mom only gets out of bed for about 2 hours every day. The rest of the time I am twiddling my thumbs and getting grossed out with the house. Trust me, I have cleaned the house before but they just keep letting it go. I don't like staying the night either because they have a mouse problem and refuse to fix it. They've set traps but they need a serious extermination/fogger session or something. It's bad. And my sister is so needy - I think it's from the drugs. She has no life except my mom, her husband (who lives there too and is just as addicted as she is), and me. It's really sad. I know I am probably saying too much and my sister would DIE if she saw this post. But I just don't know how to handle this and how to get over it. Any ideas? I have a call in to my doctor to ask him if there is a book I can get on how to lower expectations of people but if you know of anything I can do or read, please let me know! Susan

I think the important thing to realize is you can only control and take care of yourself. There is no way to get other people to change. I think you realize that, but still, it's hard not to be disappointed for others in your family because you only want what is best for them. Take care of yourself. Do only what you feel comfortable doing. And try to be gentle with yourself and let the rest go. You can explain to your family that you can't visit because you can't or don't want to, deal with the unsanitary conditions. You can express your concern for your family and urge them to clean up, but you can't make them. Then try to let it go. I know it's hard. It's kind of a tough love approach. But you need to take care of yourself first, before you can be of help to anyone else. And it sounds like your mom is getting good care with hospice. Maybe only agree to visiting for a couple hours on one day during the weekend. You've made a very generous offer to take off work for three months. If they don't take you up on it, it is not on you. You've done your best to help them. I don't know of any books specifically to address lowering your expectations, but there are a couple I feel are worthy of reading that may help you. One is Self Matters by Dr. Phil McGraw. And the other is Love the Life You Live by Parrott and Warren. Those might help you to accept your expectations while choosing to do what is best for you. You know, help with any guilt you may feel for making those decisions. I can't tell you what to do. It's a tough situation at best. I'm sorry you are hurting and strugging. Just know that you are worthy of your own feelings. And honor them.

Kim, Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it and you are right on target with your advice. That's what I have been doing - going up on Saturday or Sunday morning and coming back that evening. But that's not good enough for them. I know my mom misses me but she is always in bed and I can only sit back there with her for so long until I get bored out of my mind. Of course she can't hear me talking because the TV is blaring in her ear. lol. She's so sweet and kind but you're right - I can only do so much. I'm over the guilt thing now. Now I'm just resentful and frustrated. Hopefully I can get over that as well so I can move on with my life in a productive manner. I hope you get answers today at your doctor's appointment and they figure out what is causing the bleeding and pain. You've really done well this last month or so since your revision and I would hate to see anything go bad now. I'll keep you in my prayers. Susan

Of course it's not good enough for them, but that is their problem. Let them own it. You release it and set yourself free. And keep working on letting the resentment and frustration go. It is a process, and one we have to learn how to do. I really don't think it comes naturally to those of us who like to be the peacemakers and caretakers. We may have big hearts, but they get hurt more because of it sometimes. Thank you for your kind thoughts on my appt. this afternoon. We are ready to leave now. I'll post when I know more. Hugs to you! Hang in there!

Susan, Hang in there and take care of yourself as the otheres posted..... you can only do what you can do and give yourself a break. The only person you can control is yourself. I have recently been going thru some similar issues and a friend reccommended a book called, Tough transitions. Navigating through difficult times" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. I just bought it off the closeout rack at Barnes and Noble, I haven't gotten very far into it but it is helping me to see the natural stages of what I am experiencing and better understand them as well as discovering some healthy coping methods. Take care, Desiree PS. I had a rodent problem a few years ago when they tore down a nearby home and their problem relocated to my nice home. Traps only helped so much I had to turn to poison. I have pets and was very afraid to use this in my home so I bought plastic shoe boxes at the dollar store and cut a small hole in tit so the rodent could get in but my pets couldn't. I put the bait/ poison inside and fastened the boxes to the floor with carpet tape. I also put wire mesh around the soffets in the attic and any other holes where they may gain access. It did the trick.... good luck!