I'm back!

Hello Everyone! I still have no computer but I am stealing a moment at work to check in with you. I have read a few of the recent posts and it looks like all is well with you guys. I have a confession. My computer isn't the only reason that I have been avoiding the board. I have been avoiding you because I feel like a failure. Everyone seems to be moving down, down, down most of you are at goal or very close. And me, well I am just exactly where I left you. Still hovering about 214-216 depending on the day. I confess, I have not been making good food choices. It seems that my hunger is uncontrollable since the holidays. I am hungry or at least think I am hungry, all day long. My stomach even growls constantly seemingly to support true hunger. Does anyone else have this problem? I know we are never alone so I am sure I am not the only one. So, there you have the excuses. On a good note, I have been exercising regularly. I have been to the gym no less than 3 days per week since Jan 1. I even do 2 days per week with a PT. I am in the best physical shape of my life. I can walk on the treadmill for an hour if I want and even do mini "sprints" for a minute or two. I have worked up to using the elliptical and my abs are fabulous, even if they are hidden under a huge pani. Now for the plan of action! On Monday this week I decided to start tracking my calories, protein etc on fitday and I have done well thus far. My goal is 1200 or less per day. It is so funny now that I remember struggling to be able to eat enough to make it to 800 everyday. Ha! Those days are long gone! I plan my day in advance. I have been starting each day with a protein shake, well smoothie really, every morning. This is filling and I can drink it in the car on the way to work. I have cut out the coffee in the mornings altogether. That was a bad habit that I wish I had never started. I think the caffeine keeps my hunger raging all day. I am not restricting myself to "no carbs" I am restricting myself to healthy carbs such as fruit, veggies and whole grains only, all within reason. NO FRIED FOODS! NO FAST FOOD! NO EATING IN THE CAR! These three things have been my weakness. I know it is all about the food. Ok, let me have it. Give me the foot to the rear end. Give me the truth. Keep it real. But please give me some advice and some hope. I need HELP! I can admit it and I can accept it. Hugs, Valorie

I am so glad to hear from you and your doing well. I'm not making the wisest food choices either but luckily have really been hovering about the same weight. No matter what look how far you have come and stick with the exercise. I really think that's the key to this whole thing. I thought the holidays were awful also at least eating wise. Keep checking in when you can I think being accountable helps to keep us a little more honest with what we're putting in our mouths. Welcome back. Deb

Sounds like you already let yourself have it, so we don't have to. You are doing a lot of "right" things to get yourself back on track. You've got your plan in place, so now just work your plan! You can do this! Welcome back. We missed you! Wanda

Welcome back Valorie - We missed you! No kick here - you did it already. My mantra is that as long as I am trying I cannot fail. That applies here. You are trying to get back on track and WOW exercise - that is the hardest for me! I'll tell you that I did a day of full liquid (protein) to get me back on track and I mean after that one day I could feel myself get full faster and be less hungry the next day. Now the day of the liquid was... Not fun. Valorie you have come so far - don't compare yourselves to others and feel bad. We all started at a different spot and we will all end at a different spot. Progress my friend and you have made huge strides. Look at that. Trudy

Valorie, I'm so very glad to see a post from you! As I told you in my PM to you, I and several others have had a heck of a time with food issues since the Holidays. Getting off track is easy - getting back on track is hard but you have implemented a great plan and you are working your plan! How does that make you feel? More in control? More positive about the future? Isn't it wonderful how planning your day and following the plan can totally change our perspective on life? The mere fact that you are posting again is a great sign that you are feeling back in control. One of my big issues is isolating myself when I'm feeling badly about myself. Seems like I'm not the only one on this board with that issue. I don't think there's anyone on earth who can better understand what we go through than others on this board so please post when you are feeling something. Yesterday afternoon I should have taken this advice. I had a good morning at the gym and had even set up Round 2 of plastics for March 19. That's what probably led to my overeating yesterday afternoon. My husband came for lunch and I fixed us a wonderful salad with leftover slice steak. I whipped up a marvelous salad dressing and we enjoyed our meal. I didn't overeat. Yet, once he left, I didn't leave the kitchen. We never buy bread but when we were shopping the day before, I'd suggested he pick up a pack of English Muffins for himself since he enjoys them. WELL, I think I was thinking more of myself because I cut one in half, toasted it and sprayed I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray on it and then added a little Smucker's No Sugar strawberry jam. That was just about the best thing I'd tasted lately so, I toasted the other half and ate that. I was uncomfortably full but I found myself still looking. I ended up eating some pistachio nuts too before I ordered myself (out loud) to get out of the kitchen. I was so full I felt like I'd stretched my stitches from my LBL and then I had the WORST gas ever. Instead of just recognizing that I was nervous about facing another round of PS and recovery and journaling that or talking to you guys, I gave in to my old "comfortable" pattern of stuffing the stress with food. Valorie, you are doing great and none of us comes close to perfection! It's a heck of a lot harder these days to do what we are doing but we keep plugging along. You are working out, you are planning your meals, you are doing great! You will break that 200 barrier very soon. I know it's hard to post from work but may I suggest you journal (when you can find a minute after taking care of your son and husband! By the way, how is Jacob, the grandson doing?) about your feelings and fears of getting under 200? I suggest this because I remember when I lost weight on my own prior to WLS, going below 200 was a HUGE barrier for me. It literally took me several years! I stayed at 202 for the longest time Once I dropped to 199 but quickly went back to 202. Then, several times I gained back to 218 before dropping back to 202. Of course, I consciously wanted to get below 200 more than anything but subconsciously that must have been a different story. Eventually I blasted past and ended up at 174.50 before starting to regain so I guess getting below 175 was another barrier! So, Valorie, the fact that you haven't hit 199 is probably lots more complicated than you think and you are NOT a failure because you haven't reached that milestone! CeCe

I appreciate you all. CeCe, you should have been a Psychiatrist! You are so right on the money! I know without a doubt that I subconsciously sabotage myself daily. I am afraid of what the future hold for me as a "normal" weight person. 199 has been my goal for so long, I don't know how I am going to react when I finally see it, not to mention when I dip below. I just know that I am going to power through the mental anguish until my body takes over and reaches the goal. Why am I so afraid? I have to ask myself that every day. I can't put a finger on it. I am considering some therapy but Cigna, my fabulous insurance, isn't big on paying for that sort of thing. Do you know how much therapy can cost? OMG! I am open to suggestions if anyone knows where or how I can get some help. I know if I work through some of my emotional issues, I will have an easier time staying in control of my eating. So far this week, I have done very well. I am journaling all food on Fitday.com. Last night I made mini eggbeater's quiches with spinach and non fat cottage cheese. I made a batch of 12 so they will be breakfast for a few days and I will freeze some too. They were very tasty and satisfying for breakfast this morning. They were nice to eat while everyone else here at work ate their McD's sausage, egg and cheese biscuits! I still battle that every day also. Just 5 minutes ago someone asked me if I wanted anything from Taco Hell or Pizza Gut! (It is after all, 11:00 and their breakfast biscuits must be long gone and they are FAMISHED) OF COURSE I WANT IT, BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE IN! I wanted to SCREAM at her! But of course, I am too nice and timid to ever do such a thing. Instead I swallow down my words and chew loudly on my sugar-free gum and bang loudly as I type this post. As if anyone would notice. Ok, I am through with my rant. I just wanted you guys to see some of what I deal with daily. I know everyone of us has our obstacles to overcome. One of mine is inconsiderate co-workers. On a good note, I am leaving work today at 1 pm and am going to go buy myself a new notebook computer for the house! Yeah! I can finally stay in touch on my own turf. You guys will be seeing more of me again. I find this board so therapeutic. You guys get me through the tough times. Again I say, I appreciate you all! See ya soon! Valorie

Valorie, Not to dig up the past but I seem to recall that you once posted that you had a fear of commiting infidelity if you were "normal" weight. I think that came up when you were discussing gaining weight as a way to "protect" yourself from possibly using sex to seek affection. Please, please forgive me if I've got this totally wrong. I'm trying to phrase it so that I don't offend too much but the reason I remember this is because I had the same "fear" - irrational though it might be - for years and do believe it was at least part of the reason 200 was a barrier for me. I had cheated on my first husband while he was overseas. Valorie, if you think somewhere in your subconscious mind this might be hindering your progress, examine it as a mature, rational woman. I think in my case, in the back of my mind I was regressing back to the immature, impulsive, unhappy GIRL that I was then. I had no business marrying my first husband. My family hated him. I knew he wasn't the kind of guy I needed nor was he the type of man to be a good father for our daugther. While cheating on him may not have been right, I now see it as almost invitable at that time and place and my situation. I changed. I matured. God knows I would be totally shocked if I ever made such immature decisions again. I know you have a very stable life and you love your husband and you too have been through too much to ever think about throwing caution to the wind whether you weigh 215 or 115. Let's not let our fears keep us from goal attainment. Now, I also think that reaching goal may lead us to another problem - what now? Our journey has been one of major decisions and milestones so far. We had a big decision to have surgery, to recover, to learn what and how much we could eat and all that. We saw the weight dropping. Getting closer leads to anxiety and reaching it leads to as much or more because we want to maintain it. Still, I and others find ourselves asking "what now?" Now, regarding your issue at work with coworkers going to get fast food constantly, I don't think I could be as strong as you! I'm not the biggest fan of fast food but it must be pure torture to see them munching on biscuits and pizza. What a wonderful plan you had to cook those wonderful sounding little quiches! Just think how much better they are for your health and they aren't greasy and yucky! Keep planning like that and you will succeed. I know you like these people but as a weight warrior, think of them as your enemies who are out to sabotage your progress. Strengthen your resistance muscle by outwitting them every time. Think of yourself as being on a higher plane than them and be a calorie snob!!! Count the calories you save each time you resist and think of your bloodwork improving while theirs goes to h&ll!!! Maybe, just maybe your influence will finally pay off. And, finally, I'm thrilled for the board that you are getting a laptop for home use. It will be so good to have you back in the family as a regular poster! CeCe

Valorie! WELCOME BACK! So glad to hear from you! We've missed you! listen - We keep it real here! YOU are not alone in HUNGER feeling and struggling with your weight. We are all here to support & encourge and help ONE ANOTHER - SOUNDS LIKE YOU MADE A PLAN AND ARE d e t e r m i n e d! you know I love DETERMINATION! HUGS, Britt

Well, let me first say that I did read your whole post...and I am kind of in the same boat.... although you are better off than I am, because you are at least getting yourself moving.... I don't do much every day, I am trying to eat better, but not doing the greatest and I have been giving into the carbmonster more that I want to admit..... I have been eating fast food, fried foods and COOKIES and CAKE...... I have been bad, probably worse then you.. so don't feel bad..... There are those of us out there that have done worse.... much worse than you have..... Get back on track and back to basics (which is something I need to do) and things will fall into place.... Take care and good luck!!!!! HUGS, Shawn M.

Glad to see you back! I hope you stick around and post. Don't feel ashamed. It happens to all of us. You've taken a great first step in recognizing it, and making a plan. Hang in there and keep us posted. We care!