"Something You Dont' Know About Me" Round 2

Oh, Shawn! I think we are sisters!!! My problem was depression and not bi-polar but I've put my husband through some terrible times!!! I remember once being so depressed that I went through our wedding pictures and tore SOME up!!! Now, I was depressed but I wasn't stupid!!!! I only tore up the ones I thought I looked terrible in!!!!!!! Depression, bi-polar and all the other things we suffer from sure can do a number on us but thankfully there are people who love us in spite of us behavior! I've often called my husband a saint. I truly do not believe I could put up with what he's had to with me. Shawn, I know it is one of the toughest things in the world to dig yourself out of a pit but, take those meds, grab onto us, your kids, your hubby, whatever you can and get back to enjoying your post-surgery life! You look wonderful and have so much to live for! We care and don't want you left behind! CeCe

Thanks CeCe... I do take my meds NOW, but before, I would get to the point that I hated taking them or I felt I didn't NEED them... now I know the difference and KNOW that I NEED them and I won't stop taking them... I have learned the error of my ways in the past... that doesn't mean we don't still have the ups and down, the high and low and the fits of rage out of me... but things are much better then they were when I used to off my meds.... I know all about doing those things that you regret during those times too... I can't believe you tore up wedding pictures though... OMG... Although when we are in that "state of mind" we just aren't thinking... Good thing he was forgiving of what you had done.... What a blessing to have those that love us around us...... Thanks for caring... it means a lot to me... I know that I have a lot to live for, although some days are tougher to get through than others, but I do it!!! I don't know how sometimes, but I do.... If it weren't for my hubby and this board I don't think I could... HUGS, Shawn M.

OK, I will play. But be forwarned this may be TMI! I also had a very dysfunctional falmily including divorced parents when I was about 6 and a bi polar mother. ( not diagnosed untill she was in her fifties) My mother moved us around from place to place and man to man so often that I went to 13 different schools though elementary school alone. It is a miracle that I can even spell my name! But I digress. During one of her absent periods, of which there were many, my male baby sitter, age 18 and I was 8, began molesting me. This was the begining of many molestations that were to occur in my childhood. I was so confused and wanted so badly for someone to love me that I became very permiscuous as a teen. IN my mind, sex was the equivelant to love. I would be permiscuous, then binge eat to try to make myself fatter so that no one would want me again. It was a vicous cycle. Of course it didn't matter what size I was, there was always a man who wanted me anyway. At least for a night if not longer. I was never one to be without male attention, even at over 250 lbs. I met my husband at about 285 lbs and he was wonderful. (isn't it funny I think in terms of weight, not time?) I consider him my true soul mate and I know for a fact that had I not been obese, I would have passed this wonderful man right by without a second thougt. I know this was in God's plan for my life all along. David stuck around and didn't leave in the light of day. He really showed me what true love was. He continues to show me every day that I live. Anyway, I think I continued to gain weight all the way to 349 partially to test his love. The other part was of course to try to make myself unattractive to other men so that I wouldn't be tempted to cheat. My deepest secret today is still that I am afraid of giving in to temptation. I try to keep myself out of situations that could bring about temptation to stray. Of course those any situation could bring about temptation as we all know. There is temptation at work, at the grocery store or even church. There is no way to avoid temptation. I have just changed the way I think about myself. I don't need sexual attention to be worthy. I can honestly say that I have been faithful to my wonderful husband and I plan to remain faithful until God takes me home. So that is my deepest, darkests secrets....hope I didn't lose any friends or disgust anyone too badly. I know you are all understanding folks, otherwise, I would never have joined you. Can I still say "Have a great day!" after such revelations? Hugs, Valorie

Valorie, I don't know why some people have to suffer abuse and have such complicated lives as young people. But what I do know is that through it all, we become the people that we are. We may not have had the character, integrity, and strength that we have today if we hadn't gone through what we did. It sounds like you have a wonderful and strong relationship filled with unconditional love. Not many people can say that. You are truley blessed! It sounds like you have a well thought out plan to not let old ways creep back into your current life. Don't blame yourself for your past actions. It is extremely common for abused children to be promiscous. That is the norm, so don't resent yourself for it. Your strength, honesty, and inner perspectives are impressive! Thanks for sharing. Wanda

Thanks Wanda, You made me cry with your kind words. Hugs, Valorie

Valorie, If my arms could reach all the way to your house, you'd be feeling a GREAT BIG HUG right now!!! Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry you had to suffer through so much and I totally agree with the reply Wanda sent you. You are a survivor and you are THRIVING these days. Thank goodness for your wonderful hubby and the great life you have now. I sure hope that the headaches and other pain from your traffic accident are gone and that Jacob is continuing to do well. Valorie, I'm so proud of you!!! Not everyone is strong enough to rise above such abuse/neglect. You are strong! CeCe