Post Op Head Games

So I have the surgery; my health is improved. Not only that, my confidence and general attitude are definitely better. Still a little shy, I think from some residual confidence issues, but overall so much better. I'm living my life now, instead of living vicariously through others. In fact, just last weekend I physically showed my daughter how to use a slip-n-slide! I have returned to school and I feel fantastic about LEADING my life. I look in the mirror I see improvement. I don't see perfection, but that's OK because perfection is not what I'm looking for. I watch for changes that will motivate me. I take time to notice them and I enjoy wearing flattering clothes, the freedom of movement and every single "WOW" moment I experience. Those are the things that keep me going. Here's where I seem to have a problem, and I know this is going to sound crazy... but I guess this is part of the post-op head game. If I look in the mirror and I say, "Hey, you look good, you're feeling good and you've come such a long way." that's fine. But why is it when other people say, "Hey you look amazing!" or just *gasp* when they see me, I get very, very uncomfortable. In particular, I get mad with my family, especially my Mother, when they make such a fuss. I literally just cringe inside when anyone says anything overly positive or are overly animated about my progress. I know I have such a long way to go to yet, so I thought, "Well, maybe that's why it bothers me"; since I'm still so far from a healthy goal weight. Of course with my Mother, I figured it was resentment after all those years of telling me how fat I was and how I needed to lose weight. But I really thought I got past that when I learned my weight didn't define who I am as a person. Unless I just don't really believe it in my heart. I see other post-ops who seem to enjoy and just bask in the glory of their success. Make no mistake, I'm extremely glad I had the surgery and got my life back. But in some form I feel like a farce when people say, "What are you doing to lose weight?" and I reply "..eat right and exercise". I don't want to be known as "Donna, that girl who had RNY", so I don't really share it day-to-day. I don't hesitate to share with someone who brings up the option of surgery, but I just don't bring it up as part of casual conversation. I bring this up because I'm going back to NJ to visit my family the end of June, and they haven't seen me since I was 2 weeks post-op -- I've gone from a size 26 to a 16/18, so there is a noticeable physical change.. I love my family and I don't want to hurt their feelings and crush the excitement they feel for me. In a way I don't want to be selfish and say "Hey, don't share your happiness with me, it hurts." Especially when I can't define why it makes me hurt. Sorry to ramble on, but it's on my mind -- this one of the few groups who would remotely understand. Thanks for reading, Donna 307/227/155 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "If there's magic in fighting battles beyond endurance, it's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you."

(((((((((((((((Donna)))))))))))))) I hope your visit with your family goes better than you seem to have planned. Make the most of it and remember that they are proud of your successes just as you are. They may make a fuss and they may not, but be ready no matter what they do. It may help to talk to them before you show up and let them know how you feel about it all. I hope you have a good trip and all goes well. Shawn M.

Donna, I completely understand what you are saying. Anytime someone makes a fuss over me or just gasps when they see me, it makes me tear up and become emotional. Recently I have been trying to examine the reasoning behind these emotions and have come to one conclusion. For me, I think it is carry over resentment toward myself for allowing myself to get so far gone. When someone visibly notices how much weight I have lost, it tells me point blank that they noticed before how very FAT I used to be. Before WLS I was so self conscious about my appearance that I tried my best to blend into the woodwork and not be noticed for anything by anyone. Of course you and I know that a 340 pound woman will never blend into the woodwork, nor will she ever go unnoticed by anyone who has working eyeballs. But, in my mind, I went unnoticed for many years and I truly believed that people didn't see how FAT I was. Now, post WLS and minus 80+ pounds, when people notice my "progress" it hits me hard. Family is the worst! My father has not seen me since one month post op and when he does, I can imagine his reaction. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I hear his words in my head, "I always told you should get the weight off while your were young. You finally did it but you had to have your body cut and rearranged to do it. You know if you were younger, you wouldn't have all that loose skin." Things like that are just expected from him, in my mind anyway. He is not now, nor has he ever been a positive person. On the opposite end of the spectrum is my husband, David. When he looks at me, smiles and tells me that I look great. It makes me very happy! I think the difference is that I know when I was bigger, he saw me from the inside and loved me unconditionally. He loves me and thought I was beautiful regardless of how much insulation I put between me and the outside world. So, when he compliments me now, it makes me proud. Donna, I thank you for sharing this with us and for creating the opportunity for all of us to share our feelings on this matter. I think we have all found a "safe" place within our board. We can all commiserate on these issues. And you know, we may see our families and have none of these issues come into play. Our minds can imagine things much, much worse than they are in actuality. We should be hopeful of the best, but prepare emotionally for the worst. Hugs, Valorie 332/249/150

Donna, I think you have great insight into your feelings. I can tell you are a thoughtfull and analytical person. Someone on the main board commented how mad she was that her family didn't comment more about her weight loss success. She felt that they must be jealous and that's why they rarely mention it. What's a family to do--rejoice in your weight loss (which to them probably equates to improved health) or ignore it? Maybe there is a happy medium there somewhere but, I think it's sweet that they are happy and excited for you. Obviously, your friends and family care about you very much. I understand your resentment of your mother who used to tell you that you were too fat. That's hard to get over when we feel rejected because of our weight. Hopefully her motivation for saying those things was because she cared about your health. I agree with you about others not needing to know. When people ask me how I've lost weight I'm vague about it too because it's none of their business. It would just be the topic of gossip for a lot of people. You're doing great. I bet the slip-and-slide was a blast!

Donna, The transformation is amazing and shocking to some I feel your family and friends are truly PROUD of your success and have NO IDEA that you are uncomfortable about their comments. Like you've said other's adore the comments - some feel weird about it. Each is an individual's feeling. We talked about this at a support group "body image" and people there were 50% / 50% about it there too. I'd thank your family and friends for the support and let them know that when people bring too much attention to it - it makes you uncomfortable. I love the compliments - I say thanks then get the conversation to move to another topic. hugs, Britt

You know, it's not that I'm not thankful for their compliments, because I am. I just wish they didn't make me so easy. Of course they have no idea! Although I think they would know by now, as many times as I've implied it! I, in no way, want to be selfish and negate their opportunity to be happy for me. I'm even glad they're happy for me. But when they gush and gasp it just draws too much attention to me -- I swear it makes me want to EAT (but I don't). The point I was really trying to get at is the WHY. I already know the right (aka polite) way to deal with it. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate it!

I think like you mentioned "head games" with your body image is the "WHY" maybe speak a physiologist top help you understand your why regardless I wish you all teh best! you look awesome!!!

psychologist oooops

You mentioned that you are shy. It may be as simple as you don't enjoy being the center of attention. There are probably other issue with your mom but isn't there always other issues with moms? I have been very open about my surgery with everyone I know and I feel dishonest if someone asked how I lost weight and I say eat right and exercise. I don't know if I will always want to be so open about it you know. I have met a new person recently who never knew me at 350+ The person who introduced us told her that I had lost over 120 pounds. She was "proud" of me - why the heck this acquaintance was proud of me is another issue! Maybe I don't always want to be the one who has lost so much weight. It is still defineing me by weight - one way or the other. Great conversation starter!