Men problems..... help.....

I am having problems and it scares me to death. My boyfriend of 3 years has not once said anything nice to me since I had the surgery. When I try to talk about it and say how I feel he says I liked you the way you were, I had no problems with your weight. (grrrrr) I am happy about myself and feel so much better. BUT I can't stand all this stuff with him. In August he ended up in the hospital with pancreatitus from drinking, he lost his job because of the company closing in April and he started drinking very heavily. He was in the hospital in August and almost died and then went to a rehab for 16 days. He has not had a drink since and he does attend AA meetings at least once a week. I also attend Al-Anon. I am very happy I lost all this weight and that he stopped drinking. BUT he is not affectionate, caring, or anything. I need love, I need caring, I need hugs..... When I quote, unquote ***** about this stuff, I get called a ***** and told it totally turns him off. I tried keeping my mouth shut about all this for two months after he got out of the hospital and rehab. Now I am told not to hold my feelings in, by al-anon and my doctor. So I try to tell him how I feel and he just doesn't want to hear it. I feel lost no matter if I keep my mouth shut, or I tell him how I feel I get nowhere! I am to the point I want to just give up on us and move on. He does not want to get married again. Says it is not cause of his first wife dumping him but who knows..... I am the new me. I like myself now and I want a married life again and someone who truely loves me and cares about me. I do everything for the man and his 14 year old son who lives with me and my 11 year old son. BUT I feel like I am getting no where in life. I just want to be happy, I want a family life. And I have always wanted this because my first marriage was a disaster. Am I asking for too much? Are my expectations of a relationship like expecting a fairytale? I see so many happy couples and I just want to have a relationship like they have. I want to be happily married again before I get too old. I am going to be 41 in April. I am not getting any younger. Sometimes I just feel like he lives here with me just for convenience because he lived with his parents after his divorce and before I met him. We share the bills, but he is greedy about money, I have to pay him back every dime I use for anything that goes wrong with my truck, my life, my things that I want or need. Isn't a relationship supposed to be better than this??????? (Thanks for listening, sorry for rambling)

In answer to your last question? It is ALL supposed to be better than this. It sounds like he has some real anger issues, and your losing weight makes it easier for you to move on, because other men will notice you. Perhaps this is why he is unhappy, but who knows? The important thing is, honey, you need to do what makes you feel good. I know it is a difficult situation, but iut either needs to fix up or fall away. I hope you can find the strength for either situation. And good luck to you! [leaves you a big hug, because it sounds like you need one]

I am the last person to judge anothers relationship but if you read your own post I think you will see all of the answers you are looking for. I had a conversation a few months ago about this very issue with my DR. and he has seen several relationships fall apart after wls. As overweight people we tend to be codependant and put up with things we should not because we don't think we can do any better. Now that you have shed the weight you may be seeing that you deserve much more than you are receving. I would never tell you to leave your mate but you need to take a long hard look at weather or not this is the way you want to spen the rest of your life. Best of luck!!!! Melissa

Move on--you deserve MUCH better than this!

sounds like he needs some major counseling. anger management; relationship building; etc. Is he overweight? Maybe he is jealous of the new you. This road is not easy; and having the support of someone close makes the journey much more tollerable. Sounds like it is time to move on. IMHO. mark g.

Diane, oh honey listen to yourself..you are so beautiful..you need someone who will treat you better..and mr. right is out there...good luck and merry christmas Lisa

I understand your situation completely. I was in a long term relationship before I had surgery. I took a long hard look at it, and decided that I needed to move on. Later on down the line a friend & fellow wls patient told me that at least 1/3 or more relationships fall apart after wls. The problem is the mate is intimidated. They see the new found confidence we have & jealousy moves in. My advice would be to step back & take a long hard look at the relationship that you are in. Is that they way you see yourself in 5 yrs. If not move on. You have come to far for someone to pull you down. A good piece of advise that my Grandmother gave me is that we can do bad by ourselves. Do not let anyone bring you down. Keep your head up and good luck.

People only treat us as well as we treat ourselves. No one can solve our problems and we cannot solve anyone else's. Everyone deserves to love and be loved. We are only responsible for our own happiness. Just some things I have learned in the last year. Mostly the hard way. My husband left me mostly because he felt he lost control when I lost weight. The more weight I began to lose the nastier he got. He is insecure. We are getting a divorce and to be totally honest, I have never been happier. Just my experience. Good Luck

If you're honest w/yourself when you read your post, your weight wasn't the issue. The man lived w/his mother after his divorce and he traded in her for you. It's great he's not drinking anymore but he needs to start living his life dependent on HIM not anyone else especially as an example to his son. Any change is uncomfortable but it sounds like you need to find someone who w/love you because of who you are not what you can do for them and vice versa. If you decide to put this relationship on hold be prepared for a major pity party from him to try and change your mind BUT hold out, it w/be the best thing for him and his son if he learns to stand on his own. You'll be fine just look for a man in the right places. Try the gym, church, grocery stores, or if you really enjoy a hobby, join a club w/men in it w/the same interests as you. MOVE ON SISTA!