Self-Esteem/Self-Confidence

I had a little bit of a reality check tonight. While I began looking into this surgery to help me with some medical problems, I hadn't realized fully until tonight, that the mental aspects concerning obesity play AS big a role, if not bigger, in some respects. My only niece married about 3 weeks ago. She brought over her wedding picture "proofs" for me to see tonight. If I hadn't already decided to have this surgery, I would've come to that decision tonight! While I've never held any illusions about myself, I really hadn't LOOKED at myself in a long time, until tonight. It dawned on me that I've avoided photographs/pictures and videos, as well as even looking at myself in mirrors for so long that I almost forgot what I looked like. I really wish I had tonight! I also forgot how closely entwined our self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence is. I forgot that they are just as important as our medical problems. We tend to downplay the mental aspects because we're embarrassed by ourselves and we also even BLAME ourselves for the way we are. No, I'm NOT saying that's true or even fair, but it's how most of us react to things. I know I do. Tonight I had a hard reminder, that while the mental aspects don't seem to matter to any insurance companies and while they don't appear on the list of co-morbidities for surgery, they ARE real, they DO exist and they ARE very painful. They also deserve as much care and attention as our physical selves. I'm sorry for having babbling away here. I felt very "out of sorts" tonight and I still do. I'm close to my 11/10 surgery date and I'm getting a bit apprehensive about things and yes, afraid too. I'm a single mom of 4, the thoughts of complications are a huge concern for me, as they are for everyone! But the thoughts of my kids keeps going through my mind. I've begun to question myself. Am I being fair risking my life on this surgery and possibly leaving my kids motherless? I'm well aware my life is at risk by remaining obese. I'm just trying to give you an idea of the IRRATIONAL thoughts that are roaming around inside me now. Am I being selfish? Crazy thoughts running rampant in my head as I get closer and closer to the "day". Then again I think of seeing myself in those pictures tonight. I need to build my self esteem back up. I need to feel GOOD about who I am and HOW I appear. I need to not only FEEL good INSIDE, but project that outwards too from the outside. I'm babbling again! LOL. I think I'll end here. I appreciate you all listening to my ranting and allowing me to vent. THANK YOU!

Cathy, I don't know if this will help but here goes. I understand what you are saying about self-esteem and self-confidence and all the emotional issues tied into our weight. Many see therapists who specialize in eating disorders. Others work thru it with support groups. There are many options out there and we definitely will be going thru LOTS of changes post-op. I'm not a big fan of Dr. Phil, he is just so harsh at times and very opinated. HOWEVER, his new book is very well written and deals with the emotional issues of our weight and weight loss. The book is called The Uttimate Weight Solutions. I've made a point of reading the book and doing the self tests in it too. Am about 2/3 of the way thru. The book has not addressed WLS surgery at all .. just weight and weight loss in general. I knew that I need to deal with physical and emotional issues when I have my surgery. You definitely aren't being selfish wanting the surgery. You are doing this to regain your good health and be around a long time for your family. Best wishes. Mary

You said it, Cathy.. We need to do this for ourselves. I, too have been having the same exact thoughts as you. I, too have four children and wonder what if or Am I being self-centered or selfish? And you know, I've been doing for my kids ever since they were born and putting myself on the "back burner". I discuss this with my kids alot and they understand how I feel and I think this is the best gift that I can give to myself and my family. I also look at recent pictures everyday.. To remind me how miserable I will feel if I don't do this for myself. So, Good Luck with everything and I will send prayers your way. Just remember, You are not alone in this....We, november people are all going through the same stages.

Wow Cathy, you hit the nail on the head!!!! I've always had a love for photography, for as long as I can remember. I'm also an avid scrapbooker. I was looking for a picture of my son and I the other day, one taken when he was born. I quickly realized that there weren't any. I had high blood pressure when I had him, and had blown up like a balloon. As a result of that, I didn't want to be in ANY pictures... All because of my appearance and weight. It's ridiculous. I've lost any chance I had to have pictures taken at that once-in-a-lifetime event. I think that part of my love of photography, especially lately, is because I'd rather be behind the camera than look at a picture of myself in front of it. I'm rambling... Chalk it up to nerves. Surgery in twelve short days. *SIGH* My point is (and I do have one!), I agreed with your post one hundred percent. April