Kind of Personal

Good Morning Everyone...First of all, let me start by saying how much I value everyone's input and opinions stated on this board. I rarely post, but do check out the board daily. I was just interested in how everyone else's husband is handling their weight loss. Don't get me wrong...my husband is great. We have been married for over 17 years and have 3 wonderful boys. He is a great father and husband and I love him dearly. He encouraged me to have this surgery for years and actually harped on me to have it before I was even ready to consider it. When I finally saw the light (and I am so happy that I did) he was 100% behind me in the process of surgery and recovery. Now that I am 8 months out and have lost 131 lbs, he never mentions that fact that I have been so successful...never asks how much I have lost...never compliments me on how I look..he never encourages me or discourages me...it's just like it never happened. Even my 12 year old son will ask periodically "how much have you lost now mom". Even my son's friends mention my weight loss...and that's pretty strange coming from 12 and 13 year old boys. I am not one of these folks that loves attention and needs to be fussed over...but a nice "way to go" or " 'at a girl" would be nice coming from my husband. Am I being selfish. I have worked way to hard for the most important person in my life to disregard the whole effort. Thanks for letting me vent...you guys are the best. --Char

Char -- Congrats on losing 131 lbs! What a fantastic accomplishment. I am, however, sorry for the way your husband is reacting. I can not say I have even a remotely similar experience. I have only been married for 2 months. However, I am married to the man I was dating more than a year before surgery. My weight was an issue to him before my surgery -but he admired me for the fact that I never let it seem to get me "down". (boy was he wrong!). He never once influenced my decision to have the surgery - but stood by me as I went through the discovery process and the first time he ever muttered the words " I love you" was as they where wheeling me into surgery. Since then he has been by my side every step of the way. He asks every morning (as he hears me step off the scale) how it's going and never holds back telling me how proud of me he is. I can imagine with the number of years you have been with your husband, perhaps he is getting a bit intimidated by the new more active you? Whatever it is - I'm sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way! Hang in there!

I married the most awesome "Mr. Right" ever. But in his defense he lives with me lol therefore with even a 191lb total loss he doesn't say "that much" "that often" about it. Why? Because when I asked him about it he stated that he see's me every day and its harder to see the changes slowly over time then it would be for someone who had not seen me in a while. And in all fairness he is right. You have to be proud of yourself and let everyone else's take on it fall where it falls. Are you sure he is disregarding your effort or is it like mine where its just become part of our lives so that unless I make a point to tell him that I have hit some "milestone" he wouldn't know to be even looking for it. My husband is extremely proud of me but I know this because of who he is and how he treats me and not by the pats on the back he "should" be giving me. He also doesn't constantly make comments about how clean the house is or how well the yard is taken care of but I know he is appreciative. Find success in yourself. Have you asked him about it? My two cents of course. *huggles* Felicia =0)

Hi Char, My husband and I have been married for 19 years, and he has stood beside me through thick and thin. Even when I lost 226 lbs just to gain every pound of that plus more back. He has stood beside me and rooted me on through my entire WLS process. He doesn't ask as often as he used to about my progress. I think it is because he sees me everyday, so he sees my progress. Men have such a different way of handling us losing our weight than we do. I remember during the seminar I attended before my surgery, they had an entire segment on the issues of jealousy, and intimacy between couples after one person has the surgery. I remember them saying that it is not uncommon for men to experience a bout of almost "jealousy", and that it is not uncommon for them to show it in their actions. If I were you, sweetie, I'd try to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling. You wouldn't be married so long if you didn't have a healthy communication between you. Before your talk, sit down and ask yourself what is really important to you, what you need from him to make you feel better, and how the way he is acting is impacting you, and your relationship. I'm sure he doesn't realize how he is being, is having the impact on you that it is. Good Luck sweetie!! Hugs Theresa

Char, When a person in my support group made the same comment about her husband, I went home and talked to my own hubby about this. (mine is 100% supportive and vocal with his praise to the point of telling perfect strangers about my WLS.) His opinion: Husbands may be "gun shy" when discussing weight in any way, shape or form with their wives. If they say "you look thinner" there is the fear that the wife may hear "you were FAT before". or "damned if they do, damned if they don't" Tom added that it is hard to notice the changes until the clothes begin to hang like rags on a scarecrow because they see us every day. The kid's friends may not see you that often so the changes are more apparent to them. You have done an amazing job. I say "way to go"!!!!! Doesn't help as much as having your husband say the words, but I truly mean it. Maybe you could sit him down and ask him to try to be more vocal? Honest communication is hard both ways, so be gentle with yourself and him too. I've been married for 41 years and FINALLY learned that sometimes I must spell out EXACTLY what I want and need from this sometimes dumb hunk of a guy.

Communication Communication!!! Very important...let him know that it is bothering you. You guys have been married for a long time... I am in the statistics of failed marriages after weightloss so please talk to him!!! I don't want to see that happen to anyone else!! Hugs,