CONFUSED AND DAZED!!

I wanted to let you guys know what is going on with me and of course get some support or even some advice. The weight loss is great I have lost 79 pounds to date so WHOOWHE!!! Size 14...not been there before!! I have lost 12 lbs in a week because of all the stress lately. I am going through some things right now, I think the weightloss does have a great impact on everything right now. Just to give some background..my husband and I have been married for 4 years and during those 4 years I have talked at least twice a month about the lack of affection he shows me, when I go to hug him or kiss him he pulls away, he has made remarks such as I twisted his arm to marry him and he has had problems with my weight because he never has ever been with a bigger woman. So we have had our issues, being intimate at the most once a week lucky if I get twice. I did wrong my accepting it to begin with but we talked about the pulling away and those issues several times a month every month, heck we are even in therapy and have been on and off since June of last year. It is true I feel better about myself, I feel sexy, I have been told I am..hubby has never said that, told I was hot etc. I know that most of this came from guys in a bar not all comments but most. I enjoy the bar and the dancing...I am comfortable there right now. I don't drink so it isn't a alchol thing, I dance and laugh. I receive attention my husband has never given me. Now I have past a point that I swore I would never do and that is I have kissed another guy. I have lied to my hubby and met this guy and spent time with him, we have not been intimate in a sexual way but in other ways. I am not blind..and if this guy just wanted sex then he could have probably had that with me the last time we were together in which we both said we can't do this. Well now I have left my husband last Friday, living with my best friend and feel like I am loosing my mind. I do have contact by phone only and we only talk once a day if that. My hubby says he forgives me but I can't forgive myself. There is something that pushed me to that point. Now I don't think I should be married..I think that I am so confused about so much that I don't know whether I am coming or going half the time. I am not saying I left hubby for another man because I don't think I have done that I think I left for me!! I worry about never finding someone that loves me again even though he is begging and says he will wait and if I decided to divorce if I ever decided to come back he would be here for me. I know he loves me but is it the love I crave and need. He says he can change, he will try his best but after 4 years and counceling can it change or am I too far past that point. I am confused and dazed...I am going out of town this weekend and take some time to figure this out. We all know we are going through some major changes and I am scared about everything. HELP!! I am drowning!!! Hugs,

Mercy Angela... Hon, I have no wisdom with which to guide you. But, I do have this thought...you've been seeing a counsellor for a while with no changes. Maybe you need a different counsellor? It doesn't sound like the one you've been seeing has helped you. Also, are you going as a couple only or doing couples and single counselling? I'm thinking you may need both to learn how to deal with things as a couple, but to really delve into what is going on with each of you as individuals. If you both really love each other, then you can make this work. But, it will take work. Marriage is not easy. Far from it. It's communication, compromise, caring....and so much more. And, it takes both partners giving it their all. I hope you are able to figure out what you want and need. *BIG HUGS* Susan

Angela, Here I go giving advice where I don't know the situation well. If it doesn't apply just ignore it. I take it you told your husband about this other guy. If your D?H said you twisted his arm for marriage and would not love on you...do you think he will EVER forget about this. This sounds like something that will forever come up during every future argument no matter what the subject. If he didn't want you before, does he really want you now? You are a wonderful woman. You do not need to settle for second class treatment from anyone, least of all a man who is supposed to love you. It sounds as though you have given this marriage 110% with the counseling and all. While I am against divorce, I am also against abuse. Kick him to the curb and find yourself someone who loves you for you. Fat, skinny, young, old, blonde, brown or gray...they should still love you. Plenty of fish in the sea...I'm all for putting more than a few men there too. Okay, I'm done now. I will just sit over here in the corner and try to mind my own business from now on. Annette

Oh, Angela. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I just don't know what to say. You have mentioned several times before that your hubby likes to sit at home and doesn't like to go out with you and that he is not affectionate. Perhaps you just don't have that mu*****ommon. Do you feel like you settled when you married him and now that you are losing weight and feeling better about yourself that you don't need to settle anymore? In four years of marriage, to have to argue every month about his affection, doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship. If you have been in counselling for almost a year and are still in the same position now as you were last June then maybe it isn't going to work. I am also wondering if you and your husband had seperate appointments with the counselor? I know my my SIL and her ex-husband (then husband) went to see the counselor they both met seperately and together and had homework assignments that they had to do in between appointments. She went into the counseling wanting to get out of the marriage, but doing it to pacify her parents. It just didn't work. If you REALLY want to save your marriage, then you are going to have to fight for it. It won't be easy. But if you look back and think "I love this guy, but I am not IN LOVE with him" then it probably isn't going to work. You need to figure out what you like about your marriage and your husband and what is worth saving or list what you enjoy about being independent and see what outweighs what. I hope you can find some peace and comfort in your decision. Only you know what is best for you. Hugs sweetie, Tabby

Okay- Here comes the older woman spouting her mouth. Angela- you have 2 different issues confused here. 1. Your husband and your struggle to have a healthy relationship on all arenas. 2. Flirting and being flirted with. I think I will address the flirting as it is the easy one. A person can flirt and not take any action. A person can also develop close friendships with those of the opposite sex and not enter into a sexual relationship. Enjoy the compliments. You deserve some after all the hard work you have been doing. STOP taking action. You are in a very needy phase right now. It would be so easy to become involved in something that you might regret later. If this guy truly is interested in you as a person- he will wait for you to decide where you need to be. Everyone needs a hug from time to time. See you girlfriends for those right now. I think that it is a good decision youmade to separate from your husband. I have thought for awhile that you both needed some space. Initially, both of you may want to end the separation without resolving your issues. Change is always hard. Living alone is hard. But if you are going to develop a healthy relationship with your husband then you will both resolve to work on this together. Don't swallow any knee jerk reactions. He will get used to sleeping alone and to doing his own laundry. Stand your ground. Now I don't mean that you shouldn't make any compromises, but look at what those will cost you to make. (What compromises has he made so far? I have not seen you mention any that he followed through with.) I really wish I had someone to giveme a spine back when I was in my 20's. Maybe I wouldn't have been unhappily married for 15 years. I have had those who told me they loved me. I have even had marriage proposals. I learned the hard way not to compromise myself. I'd rather be alone then to lose my identity again. the Old Lady Aime

While not exactly the same my marriage is similar. And i have been married for 20 years!!!!!! They don't change. Take care of you!!!

Oh Angela, I know what you are going through dear and it is a very difficult thing! My first marriage ended because after I had an affair and my husband found out about it I knew it was pretty much over with. He found out on Christmas Eve while a friend and I had gone to finish up on our Christmas shopping. He was taking out the trash and found a letter that I had wrote to my lover. Of course he pieced together the letter and read it. From that day on I knew he would never let me live it down. We tried to stay together for about 4 more months and they were 4 months of living hell for me. He had lost all trust in me and found that I had not stopped seeing the guy. I had been feeling like he didn't love me like he used to since I had given birth to 2 babies and gained alot of weight in the 5 years we were together. He was always wanting me to go on a diet and would make comments like "Whatever happened to the woman I married???" That comment still sticks in my head after 22 years. I felt the need to go find someone that would except me for who I was and what I looked like. I was about 132 lbs and 16 years old when I met the kids father. He of course was 25, divorced and had a 4 year old son that hated my guts. I hated for weekends to come because his son treated me like dirt and my ex would do nothing about it. So I went to find love elsewheres. It was very hard living on my own with 2 small kids...Chris was 3 and Joey was 13 months old when I left. The night that I decide it was over we had been out drinking with friends while my sister in law watched the kids. I got really drunk and when we got home I went to the bathroom and was throwing up...he came in and said lets go to bed!!! I told him that I was tooo sick right now that I needed to stay in the bathroom for now. He smacked me across my back as I was bent over with my head in the toliet and said...."You don't f**kin love me anyway!!!" I knew that was it!!! He had never laid a hand on me before and he wasn't going to start! Yes, what I had done was wrong but, I felt like it was what was best for me! I just wanted to feel loved and wanted. I slept on the couch that night and thought about what had happened. The next morning when he got up he saw that I was in the living room and asked why did I sleep out there? I told him that he hit me and I was not living like this anymore...that I was leaving! We sat down and had a long talk about how we was going to do this and of course we both cried threw the whole conversation but we talked about the child support and what I was going to take with me. I stayed with the other guy for about 3 years. Of course it didn't workout because I found that we were more like brother and sister than lovers. He turned out to decide he liked men....lol. That was a shocker!!! I am still friends with my ex-boyfriend. In fact we were roommates when I met my husband that I have now. Life is funny how things turn out. You have to do what makes you happy dear!!! I thought I would share my break-up with my first husband with you. Sorry I am sooo long winded but it is what I went threw. Don't stay to the point that he hits you!!! And if you think things will not change then get out of the marriage. I knew my first husband was never going to forgive me and with that in mind it is best to end it! I hope things work out the best for you what ever you decide!! I fully understand what you are going threw!!!! Lisa S.