Weight loss and Power
Ok, let me see if I can get this out in a way that makes sense...
First, I want to thank all of you again for your support yesterday. I have found a self defense workshop, but it's not till May 5th. I'm still working on finding something sooner.
The whole incident really shook me. I feel like it stole some of my power and that's why I want to take a class right away...to get it back. I'm going to the gym in an hour and I can imagine my focus will be a bit different than it's been lately.
When I was 18, I lost my virginity in a gang rape. That was a long time ago, of course, and I have long since dealt with it on every level. I think, though, that one of the "functions" that my weight has provided has been protection. I am five-foot-nothing...I remember walking through a nightclub once when I was about 19-20, and some man just grabbed me to him and said, "You look like you need someone to protect you!"
I wasn't skinny when I was raped, but I gained weight in the year following. Then I lost way more than I had gained over about six months (amazing how much easier it was at 19!). I looked good, so everyone assumed I was fine. I was, in fact, dying inside. My family had handled it all with their typical selfishness. My religion wasn't working for me. My hopes and dreams were buried so deeply that I couldn't even find them. And I went through a couple years where liquor, drugs, men, and running wild 5-6 nights a week...well, that was my life. The men were as much a drug as anything else...just a desperate attempt to feel affection, acceptance...ANYTHING! To them, though, I was nothing but a toy.
During this period, either with or without the help of pills, I binged on real food usually one day per week, had nothing bu****er for a couple days after that, and ate half a grapefruit and 2 saltines per day the rest of the week. As I began to heal, I ate more normally, but it was many years before I learned to break the binge and starve cycle, which I had actually started on when I was about three, with my mom's help.
There was something helpful in the weight gain, at least before it got out of hand. I had felt, for awhile there, that my body was all I had...in her frequent rages, my mom had enjoyed telling me that I was worthless, that no one would ever love me, that the only reason people liked me was because they didn't know me. So...I think that when I got attention for my physical attributes, it felt like this was finally something I had that could get me...loved. But, of course, back then, I also felt that it was my body's fault that I had been raped. So...love...hate...it was all so mixed up inside of me.
As I gained weight, and before it affected my health in any obvious ways, I had less sexual attention directed my way and that, frankly, was a relief. When I did get that sort of attention again (and at far from what would be considered thin, by the way!), I was ready to deal with it. I'd found my value in other ways. And I had begun to learn to relate to men in non-sexual ways.
So...now...as I've been losing weight, trying on clothes, playing with makeup again after so long...I have begun to feel sexy. For real sexy. And powerful. My mind and body are not disconnected any more. I am taking care of myself and making full use of my growing good health.
When faced with dealing with that creep in the park yesterday, my instincts set in and I listened to them. No way I was going to outrun him. No one around to help. It was just me. So, I had to be ready to fight. Fortunately, it didn't become a physical fight.
It wasn't until afterwards that I suddenly felt really awful. I felt small and vulnerable. And I felt so stupid for feeling that way. The whole thing shook me.
As I write this, and read what I just said, I realize that I wasn't alone. Of course not. My Divine Parents are always with me. And the spirits of my grandmothers and my brother always watch out for me. Since embracing a Goddess spiritual path, I've felt Her power growing in me...a love like nothing I'd ever known before, joy, compassion, wisdom, strength...it's not been an overnight kind of thing, but it's steady. And it's wonderful to know I have a Mother/Sister/Friend who doesn't want me to suffer, who doesn't want me to sacrifice myself in any way, who will rain fury on any lowlife scum that would hurt one of Her own.
I am not giving up my long walks. I'll walk where ever I want. But I will carry something with me to help me if I need to fight. And...there's nothing wrong with being sexy...there's nothing wrong with me. I just need to embrace my inner warrior and remember that she's the part of me that got me this far. And to remember that there's no conflict between being a strong, powerful woman and being a warm, loving woman.
I saw my first robin of the season yesterday...what a joy! Is there any better reminder of the power of hope? Embrace hope; it'll take you to your dreams. Embrace joy; it's why you're alive. Embrace love; it's the child of hope and joy.
If anyone has read this far, thanks. And I send blessings to all of you.
Lisa
*Big hugs* to you!!
Wow! I am speechless after reading what you've been thru. But, I have to say, I love the way you have processed everything that has happened in your life. Your statement "there's no conflict between being a strong, powerful woman and being a warm, loving woman" says it all.
Kudos!!!
Susan 
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