just need to talk...

Hey everyone, My fathers funeral was this morning. It was so hard. It didn't look like him in the coffin, and he was so cold. My son finally understands death and wanted to know if our cat Dukie we lost in August was in the coffin with my father. He whispered "goodbye poppa, I'll miss you" to him. I was crying so hard. We put family photos, and pictures of Disney in a ziploc baggie and placed them under his hand. My mom said he was so excited to see the Disney pictures. The open casket was just for family, so we closed it before people started to arrive. The funeral director told us not to expect too many people as it is a workday. The place was packed to capacity. The Rabbi's eulogy was very moving, and then when it came time to call on family members, he called on me first. My immediate thought was why me? I'm the middle kid! I was very emotional but got through it. My son ran up and kept interupting me saying it was his turn. So after I was done I lifted him up and told him to say I love poppa and will miss him very much. He said that and then goes " and um and um and um....MERRY CHRISTMAS!" People burst into laughter. I can't believe my son son screamed merry christmas at a jewish funeral. It was a welcome relief in the tension, and everyone said how cute he was. My niece got up and said that she knew that Poppa had loved her with his whole heart, but she would always love him with her whole body. She's 6. It was very sweet. My sister's husband also talked, as did my brother. Everyone's eulogy was comepletely different and completely beautiful. The Rabbi said it was very rare for the family members to talk because they were too emotional, but none of us wanted someone else to talk about our love for our father, and my father was a great public speaker and tought us all to be brave. In jewish funerals, they lower the coffin in, then put on the crypt cover, then everyone takes turns shoveling 3 scoops of dirt onto the coffin. It is considered the ultimate act of kindness. Throwing dirt on his coffin was almost impossible for me. So I talked to him out loud with every scoop. With the first I told him I loved him, with the second I told him I would miss him, and with the third I told him that I would never forget him. That made it easier for me. The shiva back at our house was really nice. A lot of laughter, not a lot of tears. It was actually a really nice day. People kept bringing me food and I kept eating it. I got in so much protein today it's not even funny. Unfortunately tons of calories too. Flowers and baskets were delivered throughout the day, and the house was filled to capacity. Neighbors, friends, former coworkers, former students. There was no end to the support. It made my mom cry from happiness that the impact my father had on so many. We have Shabat services in his honor in the morning, then shiva starts again at sundown (can't have shiva during the sabbath). Thanks to those of you who signed his legacy book. It means a lot to me and my family. Some bad news....my best friend (from college, as opposed to my best friend from HS who will be here tomorrow) didn't show up at the funeral today so I knew something was terribly wrong. Her husbands father passed away last night. I'm stunned. Why so much death? These things supposedly happen in threes, so I'm terrified of who will be next. I don't think I can stand any more loss, unless it's of the lbs variety. She says that it's one more thing that we can share together. She's a beautiful person, and they don't deserve this. Okay, now that I've talked, maybe now I can sleep. I'm having trouble with that tonight. Too many thoughts in my head. Thanks for listening. I know I'm a total downer. Sheryl 292/223/160

Hi Sheryl, Everything that you are feeling is perfectly normal, so don't worry about being a downer. It will take a long time, but I promise you it will get easier and just remember what I said, use his memory as a reason to guard your own health, like I've done with my Dad's death. Hugs, Vi

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry. I think it's good that you got it all out in your post - I'll bet that made you feel a little better, sorting through the entire event and writing it down. I hope afterward you were able to sleep and that you have a relaxing day. Just cry when you need to - crying is therapeutic too! I dread the day my father passes, I know I'll be a complete basketcase. My daddy is 79 and pretty healthy, but you never know when he'll be called home. God bless you and your family, wish I could say more, so I'll send you a big hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((big hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Much love, Carol V

Aww, sweetie, I hope you can sleep tonight. Your Poppa's funeral sounds like it honored him beautifully. Your father should "Alev Ha'shalom" (rest in peace). Alex's Christmas comment will bring a smile to everyone's face for years to come. When my own father passed away 5 years ago, sitting shiva was a good experience. Yes, of course it was sad, but the way everyone pulls together and tells stories. It has turned into a good memory. My condolences go out to your friend whose father-in-law passed away also. I'm sorry for their loss. Honey, I can't find your father's legacy book. Where do I go? Cheryl

Cheryl, There's a link to it on my previous post, near the botttom of list, right after one Celia wrote. Thanks for your kind words. Thanks everyone for everything. Sheryl

Honey, I can't find the post. I wonder if they pulled it off for some reason? Maybe someone else on the board can give me a link. I'll ask Vi. Hugs, Cheryl

Cheryl, don't worry about being a downer, you have that right. My sisters and I had WLS so we hopefully wouldn't end up like our Mom, she died at the age of 62. It's not fair that they are taken from us so soon, but remember it is for the best when they are sick and in pain. Take care and come hear to talk anytime you need to.

Oh, Sheryl, I haven't been here in a few days and just discovered your post with your terribly sad news. I am so sorry to know your father didn't make it. I can't even begin to imagine the devastation that you are feeling at this time. Don't worry about food, don't worry about exercise, don't worry about anything except for getting the support you need. Now is not the time to beat yourself up about food choices. A few days of eating off-track won't do in the tremendous effort you have put forth these past months. Please know that my thoughts are with you and your family at this terribly difficult time. Rejoice in the time you did have with your dad, and celebrate the choices you have made to put you on a healthier path than he was able to choose. In some way, his illness and death have probably strengthened your resolve not to let obesity ruin your health. Perhaps someone else in your family will make the same choice you have, and thereby live a longer and healthier life. That doesn't justify your father's loss of life, but there may still be some good purpose served - a silver lining to a terribly black cloud. Take care. Sheryl S.

Sheryl We dont know each other and I had surgery in June of 03, but I was looking at different forums and found your post..I too am Jewish and I know the pain of the Jewish funerals....I had to bury not only my father, but my brother also, and its very hard...I read your post and cried...I know the feeling of throwing dirt, and how hard it is...Your sons comment was beautiful...It made me think of my nephew, at my brothers funeral, he kept asking my sister When are they gonna open the box mommy, I want to see Uncle Eddie..He was only 5 when my brother was killed..Out of the mouths of babes!!! You are in my thoughts!! Jen Open RNY 6-2-03 -274 pounds Due with my Miracle Son in 24 days!