You Know You've Had WLS When:

Celia
on 11/22/05 11:29 pm - Chula Vista, CA

I found these surfing the web.. You Know You've Had WLS When: 1. "I have a date" does not mean you're going out. 2. You have baby food in the house and no baby. 3. "I'm a loser" is a good thing. 4. All of your silverware says Gerber. 5. A wooden spoon isn't just for cooking. 6. "Welcome to the other side" doesn't include death. 7. New clothes fall off in a week. 8. You get excited about hand me downs. 9. The scale at Wal-Mart no longer says "one at a time please". 10. Going bald and getting wrinkles is a good thing. 11. "Jus****er for me please". 12. Hitting the "Century Mark" is actually a good thing. 13. You can be touched by an angel and still not be considered crazy. 14. When your rear end no longer looks like a mudslide. 15. When you get excited that your incision was "only 6 inches". 16. When the word lap has nothing to do with a strip club. 17. When you are glared at in the plus size department because you don't "belong there". 18. When you really don't have a thing to wear. 19. You have to prove you are the person on the drivers license. 20. You start being in the pictures not behind the camera. 21. You want to hug everyone fat and hand them your surgeons card. 22. You are never parted from a bottle of water. 23. When you order a doggy bag at the same time as your meal. 24. Being too small for your britches. 25. When the only way your nipples are where they belong is to roll them up, position them with your bra and secure with a ponytail holder. 26. When you go pick up your child at school and all the other kids say WOW you're mom is hot. 27. When you go to the mall a take the first available space instead of circling 20 minutes for one closer to the door. 28. You truly are a "cheap date". 29. When one drink makes you flipping floozy! 30. When you run to the door and don't hear a flapping sound. 31. You flip your shirt to show complete strangers your scar. 32. Vitamins feel like a meal. 33. You go from a 56DDDD to 32AAA in a year and didn't have a breast reduction. 34. You've just lost 100 lbs and run into a high school friend who asks "did you change your hair?" 35. You can cross your legs... both of them. 36. Instead of a Wonder Bra you need a Wonder Where They Went Bra. 37. When your obsession from food turns to your scale. 38. They no longer call 911 for the Jaws of life to extricate you from a turnstile. 39. No more velcro shoes. 40. Tongs are no longer to fry chicken. 41. "Checking for leaks" no longer includes your panties. 42. When your stairmaster is no longer used for drying yur fine washables. 43. You mother says "You don't eat enough". 44. When your doctor looks you in the eye and says "I know you will have success with this." 45. Having sex your husband complains that your hip bones are poking him. 46. You can wear corduroy pants without igniting a fire. 47. When you wave and your upper arms wave back. 48. You safety pin your underwear. 49. You cannot blame the cat for shedding. 50. You cancel your Lane Bryant Credit Card. 51. 3 Lean Cuisines a week and thats your total grocery purchase. 52. The kids wonder what happened to the cake and cookie god..did he die??? And Another one I found: When you have had WLS, you will soon discover that if you mix, Brand A, protein powder with Brand B protein powder, it will taste like vomit, or MAKE you vomit, even if you like both brands independently of one another. When you have had WLS, you will have occasional bouts of intestinal gas. It just comes with the territory. If you are alone, and release a big giant, three second fart, it will have no scent what so ever. If however, someone is about to enter the room, and you let out, a little tiny pearl of a fart just before they arrive, it will smell like a dead body pulled from a stagnant lake, encased in rotten cabbage, and sprinkled with dried monkey poop... particularly if they are of the opposite sex. If you have had WLS, and challenge the "Dumping Gods" by eating a BLT sandwich at home, it will go down like little clouds of heaven, with harps and angels wings brushing your face. When you try a little wedge of BLT at a business luncheon, the "Demons of Frothies" will grasp your throat, pound stakes of cedar into your chest, and send you gagging and retching to the disgusting hotel bathroom with your colleagues in the next stall. Later, after recovering from said, "froth party", you will try and get the taste of froth from your mouth with a light beer, or a glass of wine, only to become instantly retarded, and tell your best customer SHE has a great body, followed by telling your male assistant HE has a great body. You will take a taxi home, and take your vitamins, and prepare for bed. If you had more than one beer, or glass of wine, you will decide you should cut you own hair. This is NOT advisable. Trust me. Then you will lay in bed, with an angry and disgusted spouse, and try and remember if you took your vitamins. So you will decide to get up and take your vitamins...I mean hey, if something is worth doing, it's worth OVERDOING, right? Then, you will soon feel the smoldering Calderon of liquor, too many vitamins, froth, and maybe a few molecules of BLT, and wonder if this WLS was such a good idea after all.