My marriage couldn't take the weight-loss

Well, my marriage is over. I have been trying to make a new life for myself regarding food for the last 6 months but my husband just isn't about to let me. He constantly tries to feed me. He is obese himself but doesn't even want to consider the surgery. I asked him not to bring sweets to our home as a respect to me and my lifestyle change. About 3 months after surgery I started to find chocolate wrappings and empty biscuit boxes around the house. It was from his binge eating and he didn't even try to hide them from me. When I complained about this he just shrugged it off and told me all we needed was to go out for a nice dinner to solve our problems. He still uses food to comfort himself, me and to forget about problems. I could just scream!!! I finally had enough and I am moving out. I am going to live with my mother for some time and there is a good chance that I will never go home again. What about your spouses? How are they taking this? Kolla 304/202/140

Girl i am proud of you. Some people would give in and say just this once and then the snowball effect. Stand by your guns and if your husband doesnt respect you on this then he probably lacks respect in other aspects of your life. My boyfriend is very supportive of my decisions as food goes. He weighs 160 pounds and doesnt need to lose any but he eats the healthy foods that i cook without a complaint and drinks the drinks made with splenda etc. he loved me when i was 330 and now at 240 he lets me know how proud he is of me. I promise you that there is someone out there that will respect you for you and your life decisions. Just hang in there. see ya tina

Thanx Tina Congrats on having a loving spouse that sticks by you. That is priceless. I am also going to find someone *****spects me because now I do Best Kolla 304/201/140

Hi Kolla, I am very proud of you. You are doing something that is very hard, but you know you must do it. This is about you and you have to do what you can to ensure your success. I am sorry that it is this way and I am sure you are hurting. I want to tell you of an aquaintence. She had wls some time ago(I am not sure of the type) and she failed. She went in for a revision by my surgeon(who is held in pretty high regard) a few weeks after my surgery. She has still only lost about 20lbs. I think her problem is her husband and her family... they are afraid of what will happen if she does succede. They do not support her and encourage bad habits. Her husband has always been abusive and does everything he can to sabatage her. She has had this pointed out to her, but with her self esteem she doesn't realize or maybe she is afraid to remove herself from the situation so she can work on her self. The moral of the story is... that this could be you, but you are seeing clearly and taking the necissary steps to fix it, Even though it is hard and painful. Again, I am proud of you and I am sorry that it had to come to this. I wish you the best of luck. Although, from what I have read from you now and in the past I think you have yourself together and you know what you are doing! Keep up the wonderful work, your stats are great!(I noticed our info. is very close... surgery date and loss thus far ) Amber 304/200/?

Thanks Amber This was not a decision I came to lightly but I realize that for me to fill up the emptyness inside me that I used to fill up with food, I need to be with a man who wants the same things that I do - or simply be alone Best, Kolla - finally in the one hundreds 304/199/140

well, the situation you find yourself in is unfortunately not uncommon. My spouse has never been what I would call supportive. she did help me through the surgery but I dont believe she was ever in favor of my having it nor has it changed her eating habits. But then I really never expected it to change her. I did this for myself and my choices were never her choices. Oh yes, it would be great to have that super supportive spouse, one who was there with you ever single day shouting words of encouragement. But honestly, my life doesn't depend on that. Nor should my food choices be forced upon those who, for what ever reason, dont see things the same way that I do. I have been married for 28 years this year and some years have been great, and some years have been totally crap, but we made a commitment to each other years ago... for better or worse.... and I suppose we are just enough old fashioned to believe in that commitment. I have had so many oppertunities over the years to stray, or to leave or whatever... but in the end my marriage was worth more than any temporary gratification. and over those years I have learned that life is what we make of it, it wont always be a happy life but it can be a good life and sometimes even a great life. Lord knows I am not the perfect man by a long stretch... case in point I let myelf get super morbidly obese.... SO what I am trying to say is.... you can not depend on others to live the life you have chosen.. If they can't then you need to be somewhat acepting of that fact.. no one can sabotage your weight loss but yourself! I have kids and friends who visit all the time, and yes we still by doughnuts for the kids every staurday, or make cinnamon rolls hot from the oven, or cakes for birthdays, I just dont eat them. Oh yes they smell wonderful , but I am the one who has to make the decision not to engage in the bad behavior, it is not up to others to breast feed me with only the correct foods. This lifestyle change is about just that changing YOUR lifestyle. The world goes on around us and we will make of it what we can. I would not throw your marriage away simply because your husband can't or wont follow your lifestyle choices. let him enjoy his comfort food, you should not be telling him he cant have it around you in my opinion. If your that week willed and give in when it is around you then I would suggest you need some more counseling to get past it. from your story I did notice that you only found the wrappers not the actual food... that sounds to me like he is trying to eat when you are not around which seems to be a step in the right direction and shows some sensitivity to your request. why do the wrappers bother you so much? Is there some form of jealousy here that he can still eat what you cannnot? I know I for sure have jealous issues over that, almost ever single meal I eat I want my comfort food back! I want to experience the joy of eating yet again.... But I dont , and I wont, and the trade off is not all that hard to accept. I consider the trade off to be well worth it. I know this is not the letter you were hoping for, but dont use your surgery as an excuse to get out of a marriage. Your marriage may have had other problems that your surgery has brought to a head, but it is not the surgery or your weight loss that seems to be the issue here IMO. I wish you the best in your endeavors and hope that you find the means to save your marriage. think on the things that made you fall in love in the first place and work on solidifying the solutions to probelms not just refusing to accept that there are no solutions. As an attorney I can tell you that Divorce is never the answer short of abuse, your life will never be the same once you cross that threshhold. take some time and think long and hard before going down that road. Good luck and God be with you

Hello Joe and thank you for your response. I wasn't expecting any special kind of letters and yours is no worse than the others You are of course right that I make my own choices and I chose to leave my husband, just as I chose to have the surgery. It is by far not jealousy that made me angry to find the chocolate wrappings but pity. I am tired of feeling sad and pity for my husband and his obesity. I don't think it is wrong to worry about your spouse's health. We have been thinking of starting a family but I have PCOS and needed to lose weight in order for that to happen. However, it is not enough that I lose weight, he has to do it also. This may be a bit too much sharing but even with my weight-loss we are still not able to make love the old fashioned way to make babies because of his belly. He has high blood pressure and according to his doctor he is already at a high risk of a heart attack. I am very worried about him but he is not that concerned about either of us. What brought us together in the first place was our joy of eating and solving all our problems with food. We relished together in a good movie, loads and loads of food and our beloved couch. It is not a life that I want to live anymore. Of course my surgery and my choice to make it work for me was the reason for the break-up of my marriage. My new lifestyle is centered around hiking, swimming, walking and making healthy, wonderful food choices. His still centers around the TV, chocolate and the couch. I can no longer be ruled by what held us together - food. Believe me, I have done nothing but think about this problem since I found the first wrapper and realized that he is just not in the same place that I am. It would be easier if he ate in front of me. At least he wouldn't be hiding it, which is always a bad sign. Been there, done that. I also think about the fact that if we should start a family it is very likely that our children will have problems with eating disorders as we both do. How can I teach them to make healthy lifestyle choices when their father is binging on the couch? I just don't see us as a united family anymore and the only choice for me now is divorce. I don't think that this makes me week willed. I realize that I am not perfect - no one is. However, if this surgery has taught me anything it is to live each day to the fullest. I want to do that with an active man at my side who enjoys the same things that I do. I have only been married to my husband for over a year and I am abandoning our only connection - food. I cannot expect my husband to change his lifestyle because I did and I certainly don't need anyone to be with me every single day shouting words of encouragement. However, I am allowed to want a spouse who has something in common with me and wants some of the things that I do. I am not an attorney but I know that divorce is the only answer for me. My marriage was conceived in madness (I admit that) and now that I am trying to reach sanitiy it can no longer be a part of my life. Joe, I don't know if this is the response you were hoping for but here it is anyway Good luck in your own journey. "You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well." - Wayne Dyer Best, Kolla - finally in the one-hundreds 304/199/140

I am sorry you are going thru this. The sad thing is though that when you had the surgery you had no choice but to change. He didnt change at all... it has to be his decision. My husband is a very skinny man and eats sweets all of the time. He has a very large sweet tooth. He eats king size reeces daily and always has a lemon meringue pie in the refridgerator. I didnt expect him to change his way of life to please me. I dont expect him to not be able to eat those things in front of me. My friends do it. I understand you want him to be healthy but he obviously stuck with you when you were obese. Try and remember what it was like when you liked to eat all of those things. We had to decide to do this on our own. The fact that you expected him to hide it from you is a sure fire way to cause him to binge eat which will ultimatly make him gain more weight. We look at ourselves and see ourselves improving and then see all the faults in everyone else and then get mad at them for not being as food conscious as we are. We didnt use to be that way and I wont degrade anyone obese for eating the way they eat because I was once there and I know how it feels to be judged. I will be damned if I will hide what I eat from anyone... You share this home with your husband... he is allowed to eat too...YOU have to learn to not let it bother you. YOU have to decide that this is something you dont want to eat but dont leave him because he wants to eat chocolate or biscuits. Hell, I have had some chocolate and even a biscuit. Yes, I have changed certain things in the house but its simple things like not frying stuff, sugar free jello.. things like that. They still get to have their sweets and my daughter enjoys the SF stuff. I have my treats and they have theirs. I never ever told my husband to not have anymore chocolate and no more cokes and cake, etc... We changed NOT them. We can change some things in our household but dont expect them to eat like we do... We really dont have a choice. I remember eating 2 double cheeseburgers, fries and a coke. Then an hour later eating popcorn or ice cream... Food is an addiction!! I dont mean to sound harsh but I kinda am aggravated by this post. I think there may be more to the whole situation than him just having some chocolate and biscuits. I wish you all the best of luck. I am curious if their are children involved and how long you guys were married.

Sorry, had not read Joes post nor your responce to him. My questions about the children and length of marriage are answered. Thanks.

Hi Christine and thank you for your response I don't know if my response to Joe answered all your comments but I do have something to add (not surprisingly to those who know me ) I moved out this weekend and I knew right away that it was the right decision. I know he stuck by me when I was obese but that was his choice. People make their own choices. Actually he didn't want me to have the surgery. He didn't like losing his eating partner. I don't hate him, I don't envy him and I do understand him (I have also been addicted to food). However, I moved on while he didn't. He had the choice to change his life but he chose not to. Frankly I don't see how my choice to then leave is more aggrivating than his choice to stay obese We all applaud ourselves for going through this life-saving surgery. We look at it as a wonderful journey and excitedly share our joy and thrill with others in the same situation. I totally agree that people who choose not to go through that experience are no worse than us. However, that is not the reason for my anger towards my husband. I am frustrated that he cannot part-take in my new lifestyle and I certainly don't want to be a part of his (binging and watching TV). That leaves us with very little to nothing in common. I think it would be different if we had kids already. Best from (now) sunny Iceland Kolla 304/198/140