Preparing your Kids

I am scheduled for October 4th, 2004 for RNY. (()) I have kept my 6-year-old daughter informed throughout this process, and she understands why Mommy is having the operation, to be healthy. Now that we have a date bearing down on us, she flatly says "I don't want you to have surgery!" She's a real Mommy's girl and very emotional anyways, so I am concerned about what the best way would be to prepare her. I have all my pre-op appointments tomorrow. I considered taking her so she could talk to the doctors herself and ask any questions she wanted to; however I worry that it will backfire and instead, being more informed she'll be even more scared and freaked out about it. I am also wondering if I should allow her to miss a half day of school the day of my surgery. I don't know how well she will do, getting dropped off in the morning knowing I am going through surgery. I'm sure we could get a message to her in class when I'm done, but I don't know... I've never experienced anything close to this! Should I let her be at the hospital until she KNOWS Mommy is OK? Help?????

My Aunt had this same surgery on Aug. 25th and I was there when they rolled her back to the OR, and when they brought her back to her room. When I saw them roll her into the room, It really scared me- and I understand completely what had just taken place (I'm having the same thing next month!). Just seeing someone you love in that condition is upsetting. It is a really scarey thing and I think that letting a 6 year old see you in the state - could scare her. At least if she were at school while you were having the surgery - it would keep her a little distracted. My aunt has a 10 year old daughter and she explained everything to her and really laid out what to expect. You know - Mommy will be in the hospital for 4 days, I will look a little scarey but i am ok, I'm going to be sleepy, I will have machines/IV's hooked up to me, i will have an incision line on my tummy, etc. And she didn't let her daughter come and see her until the 2nd day post-op, but she did call her on the phone immediately after she woke up after the surgery to let her know she was ok and loved her. And she called her a few times before she came to visit. Anyway, You may be able to call the Pshychologist who did you eval for the surgery, and ask him/her if they have any advice. Good luck!!! and CONGRATS on your surgery!

Michelle, I agree with Tiffany and also taking your daughter to the appointment with your doctor would not be good as I am told they are very frank about the risks. They have to tell you that you could die. I don't think your daughter would want to hear that! Even we don't want to hear that!! I have a 5 1/2 year old and we have told her only what she needs to know to have peace of mind. Besides you wouldn't get much done or hear much if she is there with you. I'm not sure what hospital you will be in or the rules of the ward you will be on, but when I was pregnant with my last child, we had my daughter take a tour of the maternity ward and see the things she would see when she came to visit me in the hospital. We made it fun....maybe you could show her some stuff at the hospital that she could handle and relate to. I'm not sure if that is possible for you or not but it worked with my daughter. It made it not so scary. She has asked a few questions about my upcoming surgery and I have told her some things and told her that Jesus will be taking care of mommy! That seems to satisfy! I wish you God's blessing on your surgery and will be praying for you.

Hi everyone! I'm having similar concerns. I have a two year old little boy and he kind of has to come to the hospital due to my grandmother being the only one able to watch him (and I have to have her there with me). He has seen my brother, grandmother & great grandmother in the hospital before and has been fine-probably due to his age and not really understanding yet. So I'm thinking he will be ok with this... A good related question...have any of you thought of "Good-Bye" letters, just in case the worse case scenario...so that your child(ren) have something to hold onto if (God forbid) you're gone? I want to write my son a letter but find myself putting it off, putting it off...any ideas? Either way, good luck to you Michelle, trust your gut on this. All my best to you! Danielle

As a mom, and a nurse, I would keep her life as 'normal' as possible. I would not take her to appointments with you, as the doc may not have sufficient time to talk on her level, and it may be scary to her, as most doc offices are. I would NOT have her at the hospital until you don't have lots of visible 'tubes' either....I told my 10 year old son that I was having 'tummy surgery' to get healthy, nuff said....no gloom and doom, no letters...be positive, be optimistic, and she will feel that!

Danielle, I have heard of people writing goodbye letters and I plan on doing it myself. God forbid something should happen, and I don't believe that it will, but should Jesus come for me then, I do want something left behind for my children to read at a later age to let them know how much I loved them. I am also planning on getting a recent family photo done. Sounds morbid, but its really just to let them know how much I loved them. Follow your heart and blessings on your upcoming surgery! Keep us posted!

Hi Michelle, I have a 15 year old which knows everything and she will be there w/ me, her choice because I gave her the option to go to school. I also have twin 6 year olds and when I told them mommy was going to the hospital they freaked out so I just told them I was kidding. I figure as long as there routing stays the same it is better. I do plan on telling them but I won't be until the day before or maybe when my husband picks them up from school that day, I don't want them to be anguished from now until my date of 10/20. Good Luck!

Thanks to everyone for your responses. In the end I decided to not take my daughter to the appointments, partly so I could focus on getting the information I needed without distraction, but mostly so she didn't hear anything that might scare her. We talked some more today, and one of the things she was afraid of was that I would wake up during the surgery and have all that pain. Isn't she sweet? Anyways I am being careful of what exactly I tell her, and the next topic of discussion will be what to expect when she does visit me. I am planning on her going to school, but I will talk to her teacher and school counselor so they are aware of what her mindset will be that day and the following while I am still hospitalized. thanks again for everyone's suggestions!!

Hi Michelle. I have a 7 yr old daughter and have told her that I am having surgery so that I can be healthy again. My biggest concern is that the worst will happen and I will not be around to see my little girl grow up. I know everyone probably has these same fears and I know the chances are slim but I still think about it. My surgery is on Oct. 12th and I am more and more nervous about it. I am also writing a letter to my daughter - just in case. It is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. Sounds silly, but it is. I think it is a good idea to inform her teacher of the situation in case your daughter has a difficult time at school. My daughter is also a mommy's girl and she doesn't want to be away from me for the surgery (we live over 3 hours away from where I am having surgery). I wasn't going to have her come to the hospital at all because I think it will just upset her more when it is time for her to leave. I am torn as to what to do. Go****hink I have been rambling on.......... sorry about that. I wish you the best and a very safe surgery. Take care. Best Wishes, Rachella