XPost - Thoughts on a Year
This week I am celebrating my 1 year surgiversary. I've lost 120 pounds, gone from a size 22/24 to size 6/8. My back, knees and feet no longer hurt. I no longer have hypertension or pre-diabetes. The cholesterol problem, although still there because of my genetics, is under control. For the first time in my entire life, I don't have to lose any weight. I feel great. Even my "mental fitness" is superb, which I attribute to all the exercise and healthy eating.
I've been reflecting on my feelings and what-not from the past year and wanted to share some of those thoughts. I apologize if this starts to ramble . . .
I remember that prior to my surgery, I was so disgusted with myself. My weight was becoming an obssession -- it was all I thought about. I was so miserable, and I spent many hours literally crying over the fact that I could not get control of my weight and, therefore, my life. I had decided to have the surgery and even felt that if I was to be one of those people who died on the table, it would be okay because I didn't want to live like I was living anymore. Today, I thought back to a lady I once met who had the surgery several years ago. She had lost about 100 pounds when I met her and appeared to be at her goal. She knew she needed the surgery because of the heart disease that was rampant in her family. I later heard that even after she lost the weight (and she exercised regularly and seemed to follow all the rules), she suffered a major heart attack. As far as I know, she survived it. I too had a heart attack at the age of 42. My Dad died from his first heart attack at 46. My grandmother had her first heart attack at 49. Today I started thinking about all of that, and I've decided that if I have a heart attack again, then at least I know that I'm doing all I can to prevent it. If I have it, it's because of the genetics, not the lifestyle. I won't be happy about it, but I know that it will be out of my control because I am now in control of everything that I can control. And if I die from it, then I've had some time where I was truly happy with myself and my body. That has been such a gift for me.
I'm proud of what I've been able to accomplish in the last year. I feel good about myself. I don't remember ever being able to say that. My first thought is that I feel good about myself because I look good and am proud of that. But on further reflection, I think that I'm more proud of the fact that I have finally been able to take control of my life. Yes, I think I look pretty darn good. But I have finally learned to make exercise and good food choices a part of my daily routine. I don't do those things because I have to do them anymore, but because I actually want to do them now.
I still get the foamies now and then, so I know there is more for me to learn. I still have to practice mindful eating and yes, even portion control. Those were two of my biggest problems pre-op, and they haven't gone away yet. But they do seem easier to tame as time goes on.
I like to say that my only regret about the surgery is that I didn't have it done sooner. But really, would I have been ready sooner? Maybe not. Things always have a way of working out for the better. If I had had it done years ago, would I have learned the lessons as well as I think I'm learning them now? Maybe I'd be looking at a revision or just be depressed because I put on all the weight again. I don't know. (Of course, maybe I would have been successful back then too.) I am so afraid of gaining back my weight. I think that's a healthy fear. It keeps me honest. I haven't really relaxed my routine of writing down all that I eat, all my exercising, and attending support groups. I hope I never do.
I think I'm going to reward my hard work of the last year by going out and buying myself a new outfit this weekend. Because, after all, it really is hard work. Some of us think it's easy, but I think we're just finally being rewarded for all of our hard work. Before the surgery, I think we worked just as hard as we do now, but our bodies would just never let us win. Now the playing field has been leveled, and we are prevailing!
So those are some of the things that have been swirling around in my head lately. I hope I didn't bore you with all of it.
I've been reflecting on my feelings and what-not from the past year and wanted to share some of those thoughts. I apologize if this starts to ramble . . .
I remember that prior to my surgery, I was so disgusted with myself. My weight was becoming an obssession -- it was all I thought about. I was so miserable, and I spent many hours literally crying over the fact that I could not get control of my weight and, therefore, my life. I had decided to have the surgery and even felt that if I was to be one of those people who died on the table, it would be okay because I didn't want to live like I was living anymore. Today, I thought back to a lady I once met who had the surgery several years ago. She had lost about 100 pounds when I met her and appeared to be at her goal. She knew she needed the surgery because of the heart disease that was rampant in her family. I later heard that even after she lost the weight (and she exercised regularly and seemed to follow all the rules), she suffered a major heart attack. As far as I know, she survived it. I too had a heart attack at the age of 42. My Dad died from his first heart attack at 46. My grandmother had her first heart attack at 49. Today I started thinking about all of that, and I've decided that if I have a heart attack again, then at least I know that I'm doing all I can to prevent it. If I have it, it's because of the genetics, not the lifestyle. I won't be happy about it, but I know that it will be out of my control because I am now in control of everything that I can control. And if I die from it, then I've had some time where I was truly happy with myself and my body. That has been such a gift for me.
I'm proud of what I've been able to accomplish in the last year. I feel good about myself. I don't remember ever being able to say that. My first thought is that I feel good about myself because I look good and am proud of that. But on further reflection, I think that I'm more proud of the fact that I have finally been able to take control of my life. Yes, I think I look pretty darn good. But I have finally learned to make exercise and good food choices a part of my daily routine. I don't do those things because I have to do them anymore, but because I actually want to do them now.
I still get the foamies now and then, so I know there is more for me to learn. I still have to practice mindful eating and yes, even portion control. Those were two of my biggest problems pre-op, and they haven't gone away yet. But they do seem easier to tame as time goes on.
I like to say that my only regret about the surgery is that I didn't have it done sooner. But really, would I have been ready sooner? Maybe not. Things always have a way of working out for the better. If I had had it done years ago, would I have learned the lessons as well as I think I'm learning them now? Maybe I'd be looking at a revision or just be depressed because I put on all the weight again. I don't know. (Of course, maybe I would have been successful back then too.) I am so afraid of gaining back my weight. I think that's a healthy fear. It keeps me honest. I haven't really relaxed my routine of writing down all that I eat, all my exercising, and attending support groups. I hope I never do.
I think I'm going to reward my hard work of the last year by going out and buying myself a new outfit this weekend. Because, after all, it really is hard work. Some of us think it's easy, but I think we're just finally being rewarded for all of our hard work. Before the surgery, I think we worked just as hard as we do now, but our bodies would just never let us win. Now the playing field has been leveled, and we are prevailing!
So those are some of the things that have been swirling around in my head lately. I hope I didn't bore you with all of it.
"I am not the skin I'm in, but the soul within."
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