Lovely Ladies Please Help!

Ladies, I really need your help. I'm having a serious problem in my marriage. Now ya'll know I've had a rough six months. First the the WLS and then the cancer surgery. Well, last year at this time I was in the hospital with a strange infection. Last February our adopted daughter was born. So for the past year things have definatly been focused away from her. Well, it's getting kinda rough around here. Anytime anyone comments on my weight loss she gets testy. She automatically assumes that someone saying I look good means that she must look bad. She can't celebrate my weight loss... if I mention it to her, she gets all upset. Its starting to spread to other things. While I was sick this last time, some friends got the oppertunity to go to NYC for a weekend. They didn't ask my wife along since she was neck deep in dealing with me and we'd be hurting from the lost of income. So she's feeling all hurt about that. She seems to be continually upset about something. Always angry about something. It seems like any little thing I do or that happens concerning me gets her upset. And its getting our friends all edgy around her. I don't really know how to handle this, but it is becoming a bigger and bigger problem. Please give me some insight into this.

Michael. If anyone deserves the full support of his spouse, it is YOU!... Now I am not an expert, but it might be time for you and your wife to have a real talk... a "come to Jesus talk" I call them..when everything is put on the table and you are both able to honestly share your feelings, thoughts, concerns etc. This might even require a weekend away for just you two, whatever the cost... I think even an outside party..couselor...might be helpful if ya'll can't talk through it on your own. Remember she must be pretty vulnerable since your surgery..and yes, even feeling like she isn't looking so good. She has had a lot on her plate and with a new baby too, wow, have ya'll had a lot on your plate lately. How long have you been married? This too, might be a part of it...and how involved in this website...Is it taking away from your time with your wife? How can you get her involved? I mean we women on this site love you and appreciate all you do for us...What do you do for the wife? I sincerely hope this helps just a little. Best wishes. jacqueline

Thanks for the suggestions. We've been married almost 12 years. We tried for many many years to have children, and it never worked. We've since adopted two children, Sean who will be three in June, and Molly who turned 1 in February. I'm not opposed to a counselor, but she is. I like the "get away weekend" idea, but it'll have to wait a while. We're still just trying to survive since I've been out of work so long. Once the Taxes come in, we'll be pretty well off again.

Thanks for the suggestions. We've been married almost 12 years. We tried for many many years to have children, and it never worked. We've since adopted two children, Sean who will be three in June, and Molly who turned 1 in February. I'm not opposed to a counselor, but she is. I like the "get away weekend" idea, but it'll have to wait a while. We're still just trying to survive since I've been out of work so long. Once the Taxes come in, we'll be pretty well off again.

Michael, I am so sorry to hear that you are having problems. May I ask.. is your wife overweight?? If she is it might be that she is jealous that you are losing weight and she is still struggling with the same old battles... I know most of my friends who are overweight are really resenting me at this time because OF COURSE we all know how hard it is to battle the scales and when we see someone winning that battle we are jealous that it isn't us. Even though my husband has NEVER been overweight he has a hard time with all the attention that I have been getting as I lose weight, especially from the opposite sex. While he knows deep in his heart that I love him and would never leave him he still has that fear as well. And as I lose weight and gain more confidence in myself he has to deal with all these emotions that he never has had to deal with before as he married me fat and I have been fat the entire 9 years we have been married. I now weight less than I did in 9th grade and OF COURSE I act a little different because I am more sure of myself and don't think people are staring at me all the time like I did before.Either way you really should sit down and have a serious heart to heart with her and if need be reassure her that you still love her and won't be leaving her. Even if she doesn't think these are things she needs to hear every woman wants to know they are the number 1 priority in their man's life. I hope things get better for you guys. Anna

Michael, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds to me that your wife may be afraid that she is going to lose you. I know when my latest " diet ride" would start before I had surgery I would lose weight and feel good about myself and hubby would make comments to sabotage me. That was his way of "lashing out" so I would stop what I was doing and get back to gaining weight. I finally figured out what he was doing. It took 34 years and I'm still trying to figure him out .... Maybe you two should have a "date" and try to talk it out. If that doesn't work she may want to talk to someone who is impartial. Good Luck, Sandy

Mike, My husband never tells me I look good. He never tells me I am smaller. I have to ask him. The weekend getaway is a great suggest. That will give you time to talk. I figured out what my husbands problem is. He said he doesnt like us going out and men looking at me. I was in shock. He said he is worried about losing me. And he does not like the new me. I am more active I go some place every day. I am living my life. He is jealous. My husband loves big woman he thinks they are sexy. They are but my god the health issues. his first wife was over 350 pounds. Thats what he likes. He never says I look good never. Best wishes barb

Michael, I never post but I read the messages nearly every day and feel I know you and other "regulars". I am a licensed mental health counselor in Iowa in private practice who does marital/couples work. When partners are acting irritable there is always underlying issues--some about you, some issues that belong to her and some issues that are couples related. My suggestion is to get back into dating on a weekly basis, plan some out of town road trips (to a park or to visit friends, etc) on a monthly basis, and kick up your caring acts. You have not been able to pamper her for awhile so make up for lost time. Do some of the things you did to show caring when dating or as a newlywed. Invest six weeks minimum then reevaluate your progress. Hope this helps. This is a time to express love. Jan

Hi Michael, This is my personal thoughts on this subject. I also have seen changes in my husband while my weight has begain to drop. I think that our spouses are feeling threatened while we are dropping the weight and looking better. I think that my husband feels, (and he has said it a time or two) that when I get thinner, that I will leave him and find someone new. Our weight loss is a threat to those spouses who are insecure. I think that my (Fat) was my husband's security. Now that I am slimming down, he feels threatened. When I was attending pre-op classes, they taught us that this would be a stressor in our relationships. They said that if we had a strong marriage it would make it stronger, and if we had a weak marriage it would make it weaker. My husband feels that I don't find him attractive since I am smaller then him. I have been bigger than him for the last 18 years of our marriage. I agree with the lady who said that you should take her on a weekend trip. I think that if you spend some quality time together talking and working things out, maybe she will begain to feel that the way she was acting was wrong. Shower her with love and tell her how much you love and appreciate her. Spending quality time together (without children) should help her understand your feelings. Reassure her and let her know that your feelings have not changed for her even though your body is changing, your feelings remain the same. You know, women really eat up romantic stuff. I am planning a trip for our 19th wedding anniversary next month. No children, just me and him. In our everyday hectic lives, sometimes we don't take the time to show the ones that we really love just how we feel! Hope this helps! Good luck! Michelle Allard~

Micheal, You and I are in the same boat in quite a few ways. First of all I have been out of work for the last year and 2 months. We went from a $120,000 income to a $50,000 income really quick. I know what is like to but used to the money and then not have it be there. It is very hard to do those special things that you would like to do, because you need to pay the electric bill instead of roses and a dinner for 2. Also I have suggested marriage counseling for my husband and I and he refuses to go. He is not a talker when we are alone- I can't imagine him talking infront of another individual. So I go by myself, I am trying to deal with the problems that I have with myself that may have a direct effect on my marriage. Like my major self confidence problem. I agree with many of the other people- make some time for just the two of you-even if it is just to go for a walk or alone time in your room just talking. You don't have to spend alot of money to show your wife attention. What about if you drew her a bath, with candles and maybe kept the kids away from the door so maybe she had some alone time for herself also. Does she stay home with the children? Does she ever have some alone time? Maybe besides time alone with you she needs some alone time by herself. Do you tell her that you love her or when she looks nice? My husband can mess up pretty royally and if he says just the right thing-like he can tell I have lost more weight- I can get over it a lot quicker. Does she like to talk about things? Maybe if you talked a little more than should wouldn't be as upset. I know I get mad at Bob about something little and if I don't tell him why I am mad pretty soon I get mad because he left the tooth paste open or didn't put the toilet seat down. It just all build up. Hope this helps. We have had our share of marital problems so I know how it feels to be on the outside. Hopefully you and your wife can work things out. Good luck, Christine