It's been a while

I know it has been quite a while since I have actually posted, but I kind of feel like I don't have much to contribute anymore. I am actually about 20 pounds below my goal weight and I kind of feel like I am rubbing it in to others who are still trying to reach their own goals. That is really the last thing that I want to do. I am just wondering if there are others who are in the same position as me. As soon as I get done posting this I am going to put a recent picture of myself on my account. I think I have not put one on in so long because I am scared of what people are going to say. I have been told by many people how sick I look and on the verge of being anerxic. I am 5'10 and have actually gained about 5 pounds to 143. I feel good, I don't feel sick- but I still see the places where I could still stand to lose weight or tone up. I was at 135 and this weight gain has really been hard for me because I am afraid that it is just going to start me down the wrong road (to gaining it all back). But I don't want to look sick so I have been kind of stuffing whatever in my face just to make people shut up. I feel no matter if I am fat or skinny I am not ever going to be enough for anyone. I am really sorry if this post has upset anyone, please believe me that I am not trying to rub my success (or whatever you want to call it) in anyone's face. Anyone in the same boat it would be great to hear from you- or anyone for that matter. Thanks, Christine

Christine, I didnt see your update. As tall as you are 150 -160 would be good for you. You dont want to get to thin. I am 148 and 5`8 and im eating carbs to stay at that weight. I am proud of how great you have done. Just dont lose anymore. and dont worry if you gain 5-10 pounds back. It is normal to gain at least 10 back. Look at all you have been thru im proud of you. and you do not rub it in anyones face. Sometimes i feel like i do that. But its just us being proud of our weight loss. Hugs Barb

Barb, Sorry took me so long to get my update up, I haven't done one in so long it took me quite a while. And I still messed it up so I have to work on it today. I don't know at this point if I could lose anymore weight if I wanted to, but some days it is very tempting to get back on my diet and start over. It is very hard to have to listen to people tell me after I worked so hard that I look bad and sickly. I just wish once that being me and who I am would be good enough for just one person in my life! Even my 13 year old picks on me and says I look anerxic. Every time I see my mother see asks if I have lost more weight. My mother in law who has nothing to say that is constructive now tells me all the time that I am too skinny. I wasn't good enough fat and now I am not good enough thin. Christine

Sweetheart, just ignore those people. I had folks saying crap like that when I dropped down to 200 lbs, for pete's sake! I think people say stuff like that because they think it'll make you feel good. Skinny feels good. Fat feels bad. You do what works for you and the h-e-double l with the fault-finders. and it's not rubbing it in, either. congratulations on getting your 'self' back. Pam

Thank you Pam, I do feel like I am finally myself again. I wasn't one of the unlucky ones who was large all their lives. When I graduated from high school I was as tall as I am now and I weighed 112. Now by no means do I want to weigh that much again, but my point is that I was pretty tiny. I feel like me now- I don't feel like I have to be embarrassed for people to look at me anymore (except when they tell me that I look sick). I wish I had the confidence to just ignor the fault finders, but I don't and it really hurts me. Christine

Christie... I am right there with you 5'10 and 143. My problem is I still want to be smaller.. I'm working hard like you to at lest maintain where I am. But just like you I am TERRIFIED that I will regain all my weight. Some days are easier then others... I figure all i can do is take it one day at a time and do the best I can. Don't ever be afraid to post ANYTHING.... we're all supposed to be here for each other!! ~Erin

Erin, At this point I guess I am happy with my size, size 5/6 when all I was hoping for was a 10. But I was down to 135 and it really bothers me that I am not still in the 130's. With every pound I have gained I have almost had a coronary. Maybe my body size is just catching up with my weight and I suddenly look skinnier than before, but somehow I doubt it. Christine

Christine Congratulations on your accomplishment ! If I were you I would shout it from the roof top ! You have a reason to be proud. I am still working on my losing but reading posts like you give me that "kick in the pants" to get me motivated again.Knowing it can be done ..Congratulations again. Sandy

Christine. Don't even think your rubbing anything in our faces. You and I are different so we loose different. be proud of yourself. You look great. I also think that we will never be completely happy with ourselves because of being obese to begin with. but really no one ever is.....even the 4'11 88lb women i work with she never happy with herself and she looks fine. so be proud and rub it in all you want....ur apart of our board and we have always accepted everyone no matter what size....

Hey pretty girl, it's been a while for me too. I'm not in the same boat as you, but am struggling as well with this thing call maintenance - I'm petrified to gain weight. I still weigh myself everyday. The scale I use is at work and I'm so obessive that I won't even have a sip of water before I get on the scale. I'd like to share my blog from yesterday with you because although our struggles are different, in some way I think they are the same. Today I realized something. I AM losing weight. No, the number on the scale isn't going down or up, it has nothing to do with that. Maybe the outcome of this rant will be that I'll have "lost" the weight of this issue, but I doubt it. The meaning is that I- AM losing weight. This is what I do, this is what I have done for as long as I can remember, I lose weight. Of course you can't lose weight unless you have weight to lose and g*d knows I've always had that - or so I thought. Even when I was in fact gaining weight, it was always about losing weight because tomorrow I would start my diet (ahhhh I would start losing weight). Telling myself that tomorrow was going to be THE day would allow me to eat guilt free, but also I could eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted. Remember tomorrow I'm going to start losing weight. Tomorrow did come sometimes and I would in fact lose weight. People would notice and comment on how I've lost weight (love that recognition). It was great. Sometime tomorrow lasted for a long time and the weight loss would continue, it was a wonderful feeling seeing that scale go down. How low could it go, I would never know, but somewhere in the back of my mind I believed it would never go low enough, because when it did, I could eat whatever I wanted again and the losing would be over. I didn't want the losing to be over - it feels good to lose, people are amazed by you, you are amazed by you, it defines you as a successful person - she can and did lose all that weight. I even lost TOO much weight, that's right TOO much weight. I was too thin, words like anorexic were used to describe ME. Those saying the words were Dr's, but I still didn't believe it was true, besides I AM losing weight, what if it were true what would I be then, I wouldn't be me. Then one day, it seemed like a minute later, but the reality was it was 2 years later I was heavy again, heavier than before. During those 2 years I knew I was gaining weight, more than I wanted to, but tomorrow was coming again and I would lose weight. This cycle has repeated itself in my life 3 times, 3 times I have gained and lost in excess of 100 lbs. This has to be the turning point for me, the cycle needs to stop. I AM at my goal, I wear a "normal" size clothing. I am 47 years old, a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am compassionate and caring. I AM - NOT losing weight. At least I don't want to be anymore, I just don't know who to be, what to worry about, what to consume my time with but today I've promised myself I'm going to try and break the cycle. I want to be ME. Micha