I'm Back

Hello all, It has been a long while and I have missed you so much. I have been so depressed I was barely functional. So here I sit in my office doing better but not a whole bunch. I am sad that I missed all the anniversary post's, including my own. I had decided that I had become all consuming with my WLS. I couldn't not step on the scale every time I went into the bathroom. When ever I was on line it was the only thing that I did. It was taking me all day just to decide what to wear. On top of that nothing in life was bring me happiness. I could find no joy around. At the time everyone here was posting how happy they were with their weight loss. Not that I had any regrets I just was having trouble with every day life and though I was thrilled with being thinner, I am having trouble being happy in general. So I locked up my scale and took a break from everything, unfortunately it included this group. So what problems could I possible have???? Just a glimpse into the past month. My DH is all over me now. That should make me happy but in my state it just turned into what was so wrong with Donna before? It's like the world is treating me different in all aspects so again I ask --- who was I before. I know in my heart that I have changed and that may be causing this difference, but I miss myself. Was I not good enough for everyone before and why does weight matter to people any way? I do have a question for some of you. I work in a printing company, I have always worked with lots of men. In my past I was very connected to the guys that work for me, I was everyone's pal. Now it seems that I can't be friends with the guys, they are treating me more like the "women" in the offices.The women connections I have are very strained... I don't really know how this woman friendship thing works. Are there any others out there who were the guys "chick friend"? and have you noticed the change? I have to run for now.. off to a meeting. I do want to catch up with everyone. It seems that you'all are going through a lot. good news I am offically down to 164-- my BMI comes in at 24.9 normal for the first time in forever. Also was away this weekend Waterville Valley for a hockey tournament for the boys. We had a double sink with bright makeup light and full mirror and OMG you should see what I saw.... one nice looking chic.. of course w/o cloths there is all that wiggllie stuff.. but once I cover up... not to shabby.... thanks for letting me vent again and I promise not to disappear again... donna

hey donna nice to see you back! wow seems we've all been thru quite a bit at just a year into this lifelong journey of ours. I really hope you get thru whatever it is that's bringing you down...I have to tell you that I have found that I am definately treated differently than I was before losing 134 pounds. There is such a variation in people it's extremely confusing but at the same time it's almost funny. We haven't changed - our bodies have but we are the same people we were when we were "fat"...We are viewed differently now for some reason...all of a sudden we are not the safe females - we are now competition (in a sense) to other women...we are no longer the "chick friend" as you so well put it...we are seen as someone a guy looks at and thinks "wow she's not bad" (or something to that extent) - they are no longer comfortable kidding around with us or just "hanging out"...we aren't ignored - we've become more of the center of attention. We're being noticed. Is it fair the way the world works .. absolutely not ... but it's the way people are...it's what the media and Hollywood and the fashion industry has made people think. Nice clothes are made for people that are thin or in "regular" sizes - there aren't very many heavy actors and actresses...all the news media people on camera are good looking (well most anyway ) and thin...We THOUGHT we were happy before WLS and maybe we were - we may not have been happy with our outward appearance but no one ever knew what we were thinking or feeling about our weight...we were all the happy go lucky fat people...now we are normal...normal - that word scares me. I'm not exactly sure what normal implies or what we are supposed to think or feel but being thinner has definately made me happier...I enjoy being noticed - I like not being the heaviest person in the room - I even like the feeling that I AM the competition... you need to look at this as a success - if the guys can't be friends with you that's THEIR loss - if the women in the office are *****y and don't like you TOUGH - be who you are, be happy...there was nothing wrong with you before you lost weight - there was something wrong with everyone else! They have changed honey...not you! (at least inside ) wow I actually wish I had told myself that a few weeks back...thanx I think I feel better now! No one ever said this was going to be easy - together we can do this... hugsssssssss....Linda

Thanks for the support, I so like not being the heaviest. It is amazing not only and I not the heaviest but most of the time I am the thinnest... who would have ever thought. this whole friend this is just so frustrating. Now I find that I am seeking out other people who just aren't so shallow. Everyone *****plied to this help me so much... donna

I knew going in that losing weight was going to be a huge adjustment. I've lost the weight before. I didn't count on - me being quite *****y, honestly I never just blurted out what was on my mind. I was always mindful of everyone elses feelings. Now, I tell it like it is and it happens before I can even think about it. For instance, I was at the grocery store and one of the meat cutters was standing next to me so I ask him a question about the meat, he gives me some non answer and the you're bothering me look. Without missing a beat I say to him "what am I bothering you or do you not have any manners rude man. If I wanted to talk to a pri@k, I'd talk to my husband." Then I just walked away. I would NEVER have done that before. My husband - well for the most part we haven't gotten along in a couple of years BUT he used to want to 'be with' me. Now he doesn't come near me, not even when we're sitting on the couch he's at one end I'm at the other. He says it's me, and maybe some of it is me, but honestly we don't even touch each other. I have never had many women friends, I bond more easily it seems with men, but you're right it's different now . No more running away from us or I'll send the mean me to hunt you down . Micha

You don't seem like the *****y type. I think with the new confidence we have, we no longer have to take anyone's sh$t. I think about the way our world treats obese people and it is so sad. I just want to shout at everyone. I find that my DH who didn't seem to care about all my guy friends now doesn't partially care for it....I also am weirded out by the attention, now I have to think why does this guy want to talk to me. but hey it is getting to be a lot more fun to be a chickie.... donna

There's my donna girl. I have been worried about you even though I've been away a bit myself. It's funny, the new set of problems we face. I think, for me, I was so used to being just the good ole friend for so long, I sort of forgot I could be 'sexy', or maybe not sexy exactly but appealing I guess. So now when it happens it startles me for one, and ticks me off for another. Men that used to not give me the time of day (my neighbor) now are so friendly it makes me sick. Are we that shallow?? I had a funny thing happen at the grocery store like Micha (I think it was Micha) and asked the butcher at the fish counter if a certain fish was real 'fishy' and he looked at me (okay it was a dumb question) and said 'what do you expect fish to be, of course it's fishy'. Bam - olff I went 'listen dude, did you not get a course in customer relations'. Would I have said that before wls, no probably not, but with losing pounds I've gained a bit more backbone. As far as dealing with men friends who now look at us differently, yeah, they do, and I don't know how to change that, or if I want to. I was talking to my daughter today and she told me that one of her friend's husband saw my picture and said 'wow Traci your mom is hot for being over 60'. Traci said it sort of bothered her and she said hey that's my mom you're talking about!! It made me laugh. I know they are proud but they still see me as 'mom'. Hang in there donna, these are sort of tough times for us. I notice that lots of people who start to regain do so early in their second year. Maybe sort of like can't handle the success! I don't know. But that's not for me, or for you!! Thaqt hot looking chick in the mirror - yeah you, she's been hidden too long. Let this shallow world full of shallow people enjoy how you look!!! And I'm one of them -- love donna

Donna, I just looked over your profile. I just want you to know. You are so beautiful. And look very attractive aand sexy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have those good genes...... I hope I look as good as you in 10 years. You really look much younger than youyr age. Hugs Barb

Hi Barb, you are so sweet to say that. Trust me if you could see me this very minute you would think I was dying. I look terrible, and the sad thing is I have no ambition to even do anything, like makeup!! love donna

Hey friend sorry I haven't been here, you have been through so much. By the way I loved my rebirthday gift and was thinking about you. I wore the shirt the other day. As I said to Micha I think the confidence level has gotten so much higher that we don't put up with people's crap anymore. I know that I tended to take in what people said and just lived with it. Now I make sure everyone knows how I feel. The guy thing is still weird and I never know if someone is just friendly or flirting.... donna

Donna, I know what you mean... about working with men. I worked with them for 15 years. I was a cnc machinist. When I hired in I weighed. 150 15 years later I was 216. Those men are a pain in the ass. I know what you mean about letting this surgery take control over us. It did me also. I got to hot for my pants. So I thought. I do the same thing with my clothes. I try on out fit after outfit. My room is a mess. with clothes. I try to keep it clean. I am a clothes addict. I go shopping every week. I also go to the good well every week. I buy buy buy. It is bad. You know I have fought my depression bad. I think it could have killed me if I stayed like I was. I had know energy and just stayed in bed. no I think back and think my heart may have had something to do with that as well. I am forcing myself to excercise and trying to be happy. This surgery isnt a mind fixer. I figured that much out. I am treated so differntly from people as well. It is like they hate the fact that I look good. and I am thin. They want me down and depressed and maybe even sick. They dont care about me. They are selfish bad people. You are nice looking never let anyone make you think different. We was beautiful fat and are beautiful thin. Hugs Barb