Feelings

I still feeel very big and its all in my head. I seen another lady in the mirror the other day. This woman very petite. Like Micheal I had to keep looking. My frame was so smalll. I have always had a muscular frame. and now I have a very lady like frame. I still cant beleive it. I also have been sabotaging my self serverly. I have been over eating and not up on the excercise. ..... I still think I am very depressed. Me and my friends are going to the Brad Paisley concert tomorrow and staying the night In cincy. So that will be a good time. The weekend after I am going to Cowan lake for a week. Just me my daughter and my dad and grandchildren. They always have a big halloween week there all week. The lots are all filled up in early year. every camper is decorated people come from all over to see and treat or treat. That is fun. Maybe this will help me. I wish I had true happeniss. Is there such thing????????????????? Are you guys all really happy ?????????? Has this being overweight for so long broke my spirit. . I am still the same person I was. I am just in this small body. I feel so huge. My twin sisters are so jealous of mty weight loss. They get mad when I talk about it. They dont want to hear about it. I am smaller than they are. I am very proud of my self. . They make me feel like **** when Im around them.

Have fun in Cincy! Its a great town. I'm envious. I've got "Friends" that still try to tear me down overmy weight loss. "You've lost too much." Most of them are now heavier than I. One friend was rock solid and 210 when I went under the knife. Today he's 270. I'm 225. ****** him off that I'm smaller than him. I think lots of us were someone else's safety net. My wife says I wasn't hers, but the truth is I was. She claimed it was always her sister. As long as she was smaller than her sister, everything in life was okay. But when I started raiding her T-shirts, that changed. She's gone on Weigh****chers and is doing really well. Lost 25 pounds since June. In fact, when I found my old Tux from college and tried it on, I suggested she put on her wedding dress and we get new pictures taken. She tried it on, and its too big. I was real proud of her for that. We're both a good bit smaller than our fat wedding pictures. For our 15th aniverserry, we may get re-married, since we aren't the young, fat, stupid kids that got married 11 years ago.

Hi Barb, well I want to respond to a couple of your points First, about the sabotaging, I truly believe that 'we' are so used to being fat and how we act and how people react to us, that it is scary to get thin!! And so sometimes we do sabotage ourselves so we will stay fat cause we know how to handle that. I know before when I would start to lose weight, I would lose a certain amount and then get worried about how would I be, who would I be, how would people be around me -- that then I would eat myself back up to where I was. Now -- let them deal with it. My daughter said to me the other day 'you are thinner than both your daughters now'. And I said 'yeah, your point?" I mean I am going to try to get to the best I can be, and I am going to try not to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings about that. I say 'try' because I am a people pleaser!! Okay and the other thing about being happy -- yes, for me, I am blissfully happy. I am so in love with my husband. He enters a room now, like yesterday when he went with me to the knee class, he came in after I was there and when he walked in he just took my breathe away! I mean I love him so so much. This is my second marriage, we've been married 24 years. This wasn't the way it was in my first marriage. But for now - I am so happy. For your sisters, that's too bad they are like that Barb, but you can only control how you feel, not anyone else. And you know what -- I am very proud of you too!! No one, and I mean no one, knows what we've gone through, not just the joy of surgery and the after, but the humilation before, the hurt before, the pain before, the worry am I going to be the fattest person in the room, can I fit in the chair or will I break it. You know one time I had to have an MRI and when I called they asked me how much I weighed. I lied because I always did, right? Well when I got there (and Greg went with me) the gentleman took me in the room and told me 'look, I don't think you can fit in the machine'. I was humilated. He said well let's try. And he did, but I didn't fit in the machine. I started to cry and said I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell my husband that I was too fat for the MRI machine, and he said, and I will always love that man for this even though I don't know him, he said 'oops, the machine just broke and we won't be able to do any more MRI's today!' I kissed him, and that is exactly what I told my husband. And to this day Greg doesn't know that I couldn't fit in the MRI machine!! And the man gave me a number to call for an MRI that would fit me. What a lesson for me - I wouldn't have lied if I had known it was for that reason. I just thought it was for filling out papers. Heck, this is the first time that I am a lower weight than what my military ID says!! So for your sisters - sorry, but this is your time, you earned it, and how many times during your lifetime have you had to listen to them talk about their weight -- oh gosh I'm in a size xx (fill in the blanks), while you were struggling!! Enjoy it honey!! love donna

Hey Barb...don't be beating yourself up cause you've gone off track for a bit...we all do...when you're ready, and have your head back in the right place, I KNOW you can regroup and get back on track. Just think last year this time you were starting out and going gang busters with the eating and exercise. Do it again. Do it for yourself. Do you write in a journal? Maybe if you write all of your feelings down, you will find some inner peace within you. No, I don't think anyone is truly happy. Life has it's ups and downs and we all go through emotional times. Life's events bring upon so many different emotions, they're learning tools and we have to take from them what we need at the time and use them to better our inner selves and our emotional selves. It takes a long time for our minds to catch up with the body's weight loss. You're being tricked cause you've been not only through a rapid weight loss in one year, but a lot of other issues. Give yourself some slack and you will feel better. To hell with people that are jealous of you. Tell them, "If you cannot be truly happy for me for wanting to make myself a healthier person and to live a longer life for me and my family, then I cannot be around you..PERIOD." Tell them to look at their own lives and judge themselves. They are not perfect and volunteer to go to the surgery seminar with them. Maybe they can have the surgery too. I'm very proud of every thing you've gotten through this year, Barb. You ought to be, also. Remember, hormones are playing a role in your life now too..isn't the old "M" around the corner for you? That causes a lot of emotional stuff, too. Have fun at your concert and on your trip. Just try to make good food choices and you'll be fine. Sometimes we have to "cut loose" once in a while to keep our sanity in check! Paula

Hi Barb, I know I still feel like a very big (putting it nicely) person. I went to sit down at a restaurant counter the other day and I turned the stool to the side like when I was big and couldn't fit in the stool facing the counter. And as I sat down I realized that I didn't have to do that anymore - that I could fit into the stool the right way. And Sabotaging.........please what is wrong with our heads? I really wonder. But I do beleive what the others have posted to you are all true. We all do these things to ourselves. I know I ame happy but there are days when I am depressed. But then that's why I take prozac. But then I believe the whole world should be on Prozac. And people are jealous that we are no longer fat. so they will say mean things to us to make us feel insecure. But the heck with them. They are the ones with the problem. Not us. We now can live life. A healthy life and enjoy our families. Cowan Lake sounds like it's going to be fun. Enjoy yourself and don't forget to get into the excerising part of the vacation. Walking around the lake sounds beautiful. Have fun. Koukla

Thanks everyone. Your postings made my day. and gave me a boost. Your all so great. Hugs barb