I either need a hug or a kick in the butt

I have gone back and read alot of posts lately because I was hping I would find someone who was in teh same boat as me. I guess I partially did find that, but with a slight twist. I am scared to death that I am going to gain this weight back. And not really a healthy scared- I am even dreaming at night about it. Ok, so I know alot of people worry about this, but due to their fear they are following the steps and exercising. I am here to tell you that I am doing neither. I don't seem to be able to eat as much as everyone else is, which is very lucky for me, but everything that goes into my mouth is crap. Today I had curly fries with cheese for lunch and wasted it down with my old stand by friend- Coke. I have been walking, but I have not been on my elliptical machine in at least three months. Wouldn't any normal person who is scared like this take the steps necessary so that it doesn't happen? Not me. I am just making it worse, I know that in a year from now I will have gained a substantial amount of weight back. I don't know how to get back off this train that I am on and start over, because all I want is the sugar and the starches. And I have not been drinking any type of water in the last two months. SO this in turn depresses me quite a bit. So I am not sure if you should give me a hug or kick my @@@. I guess at this point either would be appreciated. Thank you for any help, Christine

Christine, I have been going thru the same thing, i do not want the weight back but find that I eat very little (and choosing wrong foods) and doing little to no exercise. It is not just you, i wish that i could tell you how to change it but I havn't figured it out yet for myself.....when you do let me know pleasr because I do not want the weight back and still want to lose 30-50 pounds. I had my surgery Sept 6, 2005 and was weighing 310 now I weigh 182-185 dependingon scale and time of day. I am addicted to my scale. If i can be any help let me know and together we can get over this major mental roadblock. Jennifer

Christine, First off...((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))))))))) NOW.....

GIRLFRIEND....you've come too far to sabatoge yourself like this! What has been going on in your life that is making you feel like you don't deserve to stay this way? Get to a support group. Was the psych that did you pre op eval with the surgeon? Was it someone that's trained in eating disorders? If so, MAKE AN APPOINTMENT AND GO. Even the dietitian that you met with can help get you back on track. I went to a support group meeting last Wed (I never go to the ones that are from my surgeon, they're too far away) but, this night's was only a half hour away and my surgeon was the guest speaker. He took questions from us and one by one went thru them. One was about the fear of gaining back and what we can do to stop delf sabatoge. He said that you have to go back to square one when you get way off track. To stop beating yourself up, realize that you've gone astray and have to start again. Do the South Beach Diet. The first phase is protein only. This will get you back on track and it stops your craving for carbs. it's really a good plan and will help. Here's the link for a site that explains it: http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com I think if you do this, it will get rid of your carb cravings and get you back on track. Please, take your vitamins, too. You don't want to deplete yourself with the junk food. And, try to drink some calorie free liquids to keep yourself hydrated. It's OK that this has happened. I stray once in a while. It's probably why I got an ulcer. I've not had soda unless it was flat. I don't exercise much. I take walks a few times a week, but nothing like my surgeon wants me to do. I'm lazy, I admit it. I think we get content with how well we've done and kind of want to keep it at that. But, in reality, this is going to be a life long journey to keep the weight off. The tool we were given when we submitted ourselves to having our bodies altered is just that, a tool and we're in charge of how we use it. We become complacent sometimes and sometimes we need that kick in the butt. Summer is almost over. Fall is around the corner and we want to prepare now so that we don't gain weight during the winter, non exercising months. Tomorrow I'm signing up for two water aerobic and water walking classes cause I have to tone and get my cardio up. I have 35 lbs to go and want to get rid of it. Getting the ulcer was a blessing in disguise for me. I had to go back to square one with being on liquids only for over 2 weeks and it jump started me and got me eating well, again. I have to make good food choices so I don't eat up my pouch and stoma. Ok, enough of my preaching...just take from it what you can. Throw away what you can't. Know that I'm here all the time and will try to help in any way that I can. All of us will. That's why we have to keep posting here and check in. Good days or bad. Hang in there...you'll be fine. paula

Thank you so much Paula! I have never tried the South Beach diet, so I guess I can give it a whirl. I guess things just keep piling up and am using food, again, to hide from my problems. I really is comforting to know that I have people that I can talk to about this suff. Thank you, Christine

Well, you get a big hug from me, because I really understand the fear of waking up FAT again! It's what gets me up about 4 am and walking 3-1/2 miles in an hour from 4:30 til 5:30 am. I am craving food nearly all the time now. What keeps me from the 'bad stuff', is a trick I play on myself. I tell myself I can have the chips, the fries, the ANYthing, but only after I eat at least 10 grams of protein. And by the time I figure out and eat 10 grams of protein or drink Nectar, I seldom want the bad stuff, or I just eat a little of it and then I'm so full I feel almost sick and kinda pre-dumpy. I keep on doing it this way because I too am so so afraid of gaining weight back. And it seems when I do eat carbs, I want more carbs and more carbs and MORE CARBS. But if I can push the protein, that really seems to help. I'm here for you, with you...let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Pam 5'2" 282/152/145

Pam , That is a very good idea about the 10 grams of protein. I think I may try that today. Thank you for being there for me. Christine

Hi Christine, Isn't it just amazing how we sabatoge ourselves? I am so amazed at how we can do it. I think you need both a hug and a kick in the butt. Listen, we are good people and we deserve to be thin. We deserve to live a life free from fat. First off I think you need to detox. Get the carbs out of your system and then stick to only the good carbs. Try to go back to Protein first and then veg. and salad if there is room. And if you must have toast make sure it is whole wheat or rye. You can do this. Why we sabatoze ourselves is a question I wish we could answer. For me I think being fat hid me from people. Now people are noticing me and I don't think I like that. I didn't have to deal with these normal things. I could just hide in my house. And if I was out I knew no one would look at me. You know? So now you have to get off this pity trip and get on with your life. You are beautiful and you deserve to live a fat free life. Throw out the crap from your house. quit drinking with your meals and start to move. We have come too far to blow this. We are good people. We deserve to be here in the living world - no****ching it from the fat side. I hope you don't hate me. But I know exactly how you feel. so let's all get going and show ourselves that we could do it. Are you on antidreprssants? I am a BIG believer in them. Maybe that will help. It helps me. Good luck and prove yourself wrong. We're all here to help each other. Koukla

I could never hate any of the people on this site. You all have been there so much for me. I am goingto call a dr. today about some antidepressants becasue I know I am depressed, which does not help at all. Thank you, Christine

christine, You look great in your bathing suit. You dont look like you need any more surgerys. Christine I am so sorry I havent been here for you. I dont have my laptop back yet. and hate to sit at my desktop. You need a hug and a kick. I like you am struggling with my past eating patterns. I am eating in the middle of night. It is like I am trying to sabbatage my surgery. I think my depression is getting worse. I am fighting alot of demons and my husband wants to put me back in rehab. He is trying so hard and now Im the problem. It was him now it is me. I am a train wreck. I feel so good about myself and need attention so bad. It is riduculus. I feel like I am the one making all the mistakes. My husband is doing all he can to save our marraige. and I am destroying it. By not comming home. and my drinking binges. I feel I may need to amitt myself or im going to end up a fat lonely old drunk with nothing. So i am trying. This surgery brought out all my addictions. Food, Drugs, Men, alcohle. This is the only place I open up to. No one else knows how bad I am fighting this. I see the fear in my daughters eyes. When they see me. They know Im slipping. My daughter is a recoving addict. I am not setting a good exsample for her. I am popping Xanax like there is no tomorrow. Drinking beer like the town drunk. And still cheating on my husband. I am worthless at this point. at least when I was big I had control of my life. I was a great mother and grandmother. I hope this all passes. I hope I dont make myself sick. What is wrong with me. I need some tuff love Hugs BNarb