A split second in my head....

i think i got issues man.. well i hate my husband but am totaly in love with him, i love how i feel and look 9 months after surgury and also hate that i am still a fat cow and it has already been 9 months, I wanna feel drunk and drugged but don't wanna revert back to eather of those habits, and i wanna have some really great sex but i don't want anyone anyone neer touching me. I don't think my welbutron works anymore, but my councler says it could just be what my councler keeps refering to as "situational depression" I went in the 11th of may and asked to see my councler ASAP they made the apt for june 8th then i have people who had surgury 8-12 months ago saying this is hormonal and normal for a surgry patient. by the time my moods are done with the up and down things rollercoasters will be a breeze. I haven't been posting becouse I feel very hateful and mean latley and my mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut,,, so I have been. That and I don't wanna lose any of you as friends becouse of it. I won't post whats been going on here on the board becouse I don't want random humans on a search engine to find it but if anyone wants details e-mail me and I'll send it becouse your friends Hugs, love you all , Shel

Shel, I am so glad your back. Please email me. I will give you my best advise. I am so glad you came back to us. We care about you. You are not a fat cow. You have came such a long way. We all love your post on here. We are here for you all the way. Im sorry that your having problems with your marriage. Your not alone. I wish I could fix you. and make you happy. But you are the only one who can. You have to love yourself. Beleive me drugs and alcohol will not help you !!! Love you Barb

Hi Barb, Yep I'm back, you poor people donno what you were askin for..lol I realized latley you can't fix someone else you can just help support them until they can support themselves. I have always been strong and hid everything inside and it wasn't till latley that I realized just how much people will realy care if you only let them. I know the drugs and alchahol won't help thats why I have been avoiding them , they didn't fix anything the first time and I fought to hard to get out of that mess once I don't want to do it again. As for loving myself, I don't , but I want to eventualy be the person I want to love and with some work I will be. Thank you, Shel

Hi Shel, I think that every married couple loves and hates their spouses all at the same time, sometimes! I know I do. Some days I can ream him off the side of his head, throw him the bird behind his back and then hours later, just look at him as the love of my life. It's normal... As far as your meds...I'm going through the same exact thing right now as you. I'm low on energy, feel down when I'm reading so many posts that people are so energetic and full of life. I don't think my Lexapro is working as well, or it's going through my system too quickly and not breaking down totally and giving me the full effect of it. I also take ativan, and that may be too high a dose for 105 lb weight loss and is making me tired. I don't know. I'm going to make an appointment with a person in the office of the psych person where I had my psych eval for surgery. The shrink I'm going to now in my town is useless and only wants to have a production line of patients going in and out making tons of money and sees me for a full 30 seconds, tops. I leave there hitting myself saying, "I wanted to ask him this or that" and he just dismisses me. Darn it! My surgeon and the psychologist I had to meet with prior to surgery all told me that this is a very hard surgery to deal with if you have mental health issues. SO, I'm taking their words to heart and doing something about it. I'm going to try to straighten it out. Have you been tested for your thyroid? I had blood tests this week for a complete thyroid work up. A lot of the symptoms I'm having (and it seems you are too) mimic thyroid disorder. Maybe you should look into it. I know you've had a lot of loss in the last year, Shelly...that in itself is a hard pill (so to say) swallow. You have to allow yourself time to grieve your losses...Plus, you've lost SO much weight that you may have to grieve that loss too. You look terrific! You've lost a lot of weight. Don't compare yourself to anyone else one here or around you as to what your accomplishments have been. All of us have started at different weights. Some have almost made their goals. Some lose faster than others. Some slower. I started with A LOT of weight, so, I've got 60 more lbs to go. I've read on here that some are just 20 lbs from goal. But, I can't compare, because we're two different people. Some are in sizes 10 already, I'm still in a tight 18 and a loose 20. I know I've lost a lot of weight, but see pix of me and feel like I'm still SO big. Again, probably my mind needs to catch up, truth is I'm still a bit big and need to shed that extra 60...And, it's my own body image of myself that needs changing. Hang in there, Shel. You'll overcome this. WLS was just a tool for helping you to lose weight. Not to cure us of our psych issues. I guess we thought those would go away as well!! NOT! If your counselor doesn't help you with your med situation. Try to find someone that is knowledgable with psych meds and WLS. Call your surgeon, I'm sure they know of someone. Hang in there, girlfriend. Email me privately if you need to. ok?? I care about you and don't want you having to do this alone. Paula ps, try not to turn to the liquor or drugs...it'll just set you back too much. Carnie Wilson did this and ended up in rehab and gained a lot of weight back.

Paula with everything going on I forgot to update you, you have mail... and thank you. Hugs

Shel - While it's no substitute for professional therapy, you might try joining a group like Overeaters Anonymous. Unlike many 'weightloss' groups, they actually focus on the mental side of obesity, and help people work through some of the head issues. As for the ups & down - it's very normal, too - our fat cells were our little deposit accounts of EVERYTHING in our bodies........and as we have been flushing them out, they have been flooding our bloodstream with all the junk, toxins, hormones, etc that they have been saving up for a rainy day. Well, baby - it's raining. Even though you had to wait forever, at least your appointment is coming up this week. Hopefully they can help you, make some adjustments in your dosage, and talk about what's going on. --BT

I'm gonna gall the surgons office monday and ask them what they can recomend for WLS patience so I can advice the nurse at the councling center, I don't see the psych till the 21st but the nurse can switch meds for me. It's definatly raining , i feel like i should be in Luisiana (i know I spelled it wrong, but i don't live there,,,,,,lol)But hopefully the rain stops soon and I can get back on dry land again. Thank you

Hey Shel, I'm sorry you've been going through so many crummy issues. You HAVE lost an awesome amount of weight and you should feel SOOOO proud!! I wish I could lose that much so quickly. What others have said makes sense though, losing so much weight has got to take a toll on a persons emotions. It's only natural. I am enjoying my weight loss and the perks that entails, but on the flip side, I feel alot more vulnerable toward men now. It's not like I was ever abused in my childhood, but I've always been very shy and uncomfortable around men. Wierd, but true. You know, it's hot here and I work in private care, so I decided to buy me some sleeveless tops to wear this summer. Well, I can't tell you how strange it makes me feel to wear these! Like I'm trying to be sexy~NOT! My big old flappy arms look BAD, but I hate getting hot. My point wasn't to ramble on about myself, Shel, it was to let you know we all have issues that make us feel nuts and that you're not alone. We are all here to lean on. Some of these counselors I've read about here, my gosh! lol Save your money and talk to us. There are always plenty of us here willing to listen and give advice. By the way~my husband can be a real poopie-head too.;) We've been going through a whopper since Tuesday all because he's prejudice.grrr He was mad b/c one of my son's friends was over here when he came home and he was black, well, whooptie-do! He hit the roof. Idiot. Well, things like that make me want to be single, but I know in the long run I deeply love this man, flaws not included. We came to and understanding today and it's over for now, thank God. Men, can't live with 'em, can't shoot them. Take care and smile! Kelly

My dad was prejudice too he used to tell me if I mated with a black man he was only letting the white half of the baby in the house I can laugh now but back then my defiant but dated a black man for 4 months just to P.O. my dad....lol I was 17 at the time and a virgin (i say virgin cuz b4 it was taken not givin by choice)till I was engaged and 19, but my dad got the point. When I go into councling I'm going to ask her if she believes in self fufilled destruction , my neighbor mentioned it and even though I don't believe that whats happening in my life I had anything to do with causing I'm beginning to wonder if there were things I could have done to make the outcomes more possative or something I didn't do to let it all end so badley, you know? As far as being molested as a child I was, and I think the time that effects my weight and self image the most was the man who told me how beautiful I was and how any man would be proud to make love to someone with a body as beautiful and sexy as mine (WTF..I was 9 yrs old I didn't even have boobs yet) but I decided if feeling like that is what it ment to be beautiful and have men around I wanted no part of it. I have been with hubby since Dec 2002 and just this year have I been getting comfortable with him giving me compliments like that. We talked about the issue and he explained the differance is I chose to be with him, I didn't have that choice before and weather I was 500 or 150 It would still be MY choice now that I am older and have control of my life. For reasons byond our control he is gone now too for hopefully not a long time, Now that he isn't here I won't even let a man in our home, not even our mutual friends. Uh oh I'm babbling again, sorry And thank you, Shel

Shelly, I was really worried about you. I am so glad that you decided to post again. I think I am also having some problems with depression lately. I have the drugs readily available because of my back, but with my daughter here all the time I choose not to. We are having massive money problems since I have been out of work for the last year and a half due to my back injury. Long story short, I could cry 24/7. Please if you need someone to talk to e-mail me or maybe we could talk on the phone. Let me know what you would feel more comfortable with. Glad you are ok, Christine