Stopping the sabotage on my re-birthday!!!!

I have been in the same place basically since early May. I know I have slipped into bad habits since April/May and they progressively got worse since then. I have only lost (and regained and lost and regained and now losing) 11 pounds since May. Depressing. I am recommitting to the way I was eating in the beginning. I've gone back to 2 shakes a day, only one glass of milk, and water. I am eating meats/cheeses for dinner. I find that once I start eating solid foods I feel like snacking the rest of the day so I figure I am better off drinking the protein shake, then water, then protein shake and hold off as long as possible until I put solids in my mouth. I am kicking myself because I have wasted the last three months and could have been at goal if I hadn't slipped. This is disturbing how one month I am fighting to get 2 ounces in and now I feel like I am eating like a pig. I know I am not eating what a "normal" person would eat but in comparison to how I was eating or how I should be eating I am wasting my opportunity. I don't know about the rest of you but I have noticed that since I allowed myself to drink alcohol I have slipped dramatically. I don't know if it is the calories or if it just slows down the metabolism but if I drink - I gain! I go a week without drinking - I lose it. I drink - I gain. See the pattern? I wish I would have noticed it before but silly me - I stopped using FitDay and haven't been posting to my profile as much because I have been so busy or maybe because I would freak when I see how many calories/carbs I am putting into my mouth. Sigh. Yesterday was my re-birthday and I recommitted then and started using FitDay again and posted here. I need to find a way to schedule posting here because it is important. I have already scheduled my 1 year doctor appointment the same day we have a support meeting so that I go to it. I haven't been to a meeting since June. Very very bad. It is sad because I know what I need to do, but yet haven't been doing it. Self sabotage??? Anyone else feeling like you are unconsciously sabotaging yourself? Laura RNY 9/7/04 330/176/140

Im right there with you. Since month 9, I've fallen on the snack wagon. BAM, just like that. I cant help myself, its like Im addicted to snack foods. I've gained 1-2 pounds since, and I feel like total sh*t about it. Im so dissapointed with myself. Also, the exercise, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to a gym, Bally's. Well, all was good, I made an introductory appointment w/a personal trainer. I went there with a friend from work. She took us in the weight room and told us they wanted us to start w/jumping jacks. I just said no, Im not comfortable doing that with people watching me. Again...I chicken out of something I really want to do. So I've been pissed off at myself since. I really want to work out, but I have NO motivation to do it at home. I can see myself being where I really want to be, I just dont have the will to do it. Im happy becuse I've come so far, but Im so dissapointed and pissed off at myself at the same time.

I'm happy to see I'm not alone, but sorry to hear it as well. Sigh. I should only post when I am not so negative. I hear you on the lack of motivation. I think the only way I will do the exercise is if I put it in my insane schedule. The way I schedule class or work or Dr. appts. I hear you on the pissed off at ourselves. BTW... I would have said no to jumping jacks... way too disturbing for me with the deflated breasts. I would have been afraid they would have "jumped" out.

Laura I have noticed the same thing when it comes to eating. If I stick to my protein shakes and water I am fine but the minute I eat solids during the day it's like my pouch feels like a kid in a candy store. You would think I was stranded on a desserted island and just got back to civilization. I too am retraining myself. I have been doing well with getting back to bariatric basics--protein drink, water, protein/vegetables w/no carbs. I have now started to lose again. I have been lucky and have not gained ANY weight--Thank God, but I have not lost anything either since June 1. I have met my Dr.s goal weight but want to lose another 10-15 lbs to get to mine. I am hoping I can make it by my anniv date of Sept 21. It is getting easier with not snacking and I want to keep it this way. I am trying to keep my anniversary resolution of sticking to program and not eating ANYTHING that is not good for me. Taking each day at a time! Hugs & Good Luck Marianne

Thanks Marianne, It is funny... I was doing so well today... protein shake followed by water and then lunch I had water and then 1/2 a chicken breast and a tiny amount of green beans (leftovers) and then more water. Then around 7pm I had a cup of hot tea. Doing well so far right? Nope... I decide to go have a "favorite" food (this part isn't horrible)... stuffed portabello at the local sportsbar... it is a portobello stuffed with sausage, tomato and cheese... no real carbs... and it is baked. It tastes wonderful and is like a pizza with no crust. So this isn't bad so far.... here it comes: I'm done eating and I'm still playing trivia (NTN QB1) during the Eagles/Falcons game and want to stick around. I'm drinking water and the waitress keeps coming by. So what do I do? I give in and order a glass of wine. I know one glass isn't bad but the point is I was NOT going to drink anymore because of the gain. I have now drank twice since I posted that I wasn't going to drink. I know I'm not an alcoholic but it is stupid. I went home pissed at myself for drinking ONE glass of wine. Now I am afraid to go on the scale AND I feel bloated but can't go to the bathroom. I think I am going to have to go hard core like you and absolutely not give in a smidge for anything other than protein shakes (only had one today) water or solid protein later in the evening. I'm bringing two shakes with me to work tomorrow so I can just fast. I am seriously thinking of having three shakes a day and avoiding food all together for at least two weeks. I am thinking that this is the only way to get my sanity back since I did so well before. I don't need to cheat with even a bite of something wrong. How is your retraining going? I hope you are doing better than all my good intentions! Good luck to you too!!!

One of the important things that you've done is to recognize that you are sabotaging yourself (as I have done). But we must STOP the abuse otherwise we're bound to repeat the past - just like going back to an abusive person/relationship. We must stop the insanity and know that we are stronger than before - we deserve to treat ourselves with dignity and respect and not be stepped on by others. Are you journaling your food intake - this will help out in knowing what is going on in your life or as to why you are sabotaging yourself - is something going on in your personal life that is driving you to do these things? Stress, depression, loneliness, boredom are key food killers. You know what you need to do and be a success. If you're not going to a support group - GO. There are there to help and almost hold yourself accountable to someone/them in order to stay straight. Also stay connected to OH and this site/board or visit other boards like the revision board - to see what others are going through and say - dag - it could be worse. I promised myself when I started that I would not go back and do the bad things - have I kept my promise to myself - honestly - NO...but it hasn't been that bad either however staying with a support group and supporting others helps me to on a certain level. I know I'm not perfect and may falter but I know with keeping that support system I will have a better chance to make this a success. Keep the faith, girl!

I guess you could say I am stressed. I also don't know how to handle it. I am internalizing alot. I'm not bored as far as having nothing to do - but I do feel unfulfilled. I'll talk to the support group in two weeks but I really wonder how I will manage with having the support group two hours away. I would love to post here more, but I have been drowning in life. I work more than full time at one place, teach four classes at the college, take two masters classes, have a 17 year old son and 17 and 15 year old step-daughters, I have a fiance who says I neglect him and I have friends and family that want time with me. I'm spread a little thin and I have my schedule booked EVERY DAY from 8am to 10pm M-F and 8am to 1pm Saturday. Sat afternoon and Sunday are the only time I have to do homework. Don't forget the exercise I need to be doing. Sigh. I am committed to this schedule (via contract****il December 23rd. I love teaching but I am freaking out over my schedule. I get done at 10pm and find myself drawn to Kareoke or trivia at the bar to decompress. Then I think I look strange if I just order water. Sorry guys... I am REALLY negative right now and I should be jumping for joy. Even the droves of men checking me out are nothing but a nuisance. I went out on Saturday night with girlfriends for a bachelorette party. I had more self confidence than the size 4 girls with no extra skin and I guess it attracts men like flies. I find myself doing mean things... like a lion playing with its food. I am not a mean person but I almost feel like these hunky arrogant guys deserve it. They are throwing themselves at me .... NOW... I think... "you wouldn't have noticed I was in the room a year ago" and then I mess with them. They flirt and I catch them looking at my breasts and I duck down and say "My eyes are up here". I am very in their face and I don't care. I don't want any of them but I feel the urge to toy with them. I'm wondering if I am turning into a nasty b**** as the fat melts off. Then I am alot nicer to the shy guys that aren't being arrogant jerks. Am I confusing or what? I almost feel like flirting with the shy, nice guys that don't think they have a chance with a pretty girl just to give them a boost, but the problem is... I am not available so it would just hurt them in the long run. OK... so I guess that was an overshare. My psych is going to have to put in overtime on me at the support meeting. LOL OOOH... on the upside, my scale finally reached an all time low and I am wearing size 10 suits. RNY 9/7/04 330/174/140 (or so)