OT--Today I Hate My Husband

Yep, that's how I feel today! Tomorrow I am going away ALONE to PA until Thursday, and my girlfriend is meeting up with me Saturday night. Hubby has had $$$ arguments with me recently when my protein delivery arrived and he saw how much I charged for it---various flavors which were on sale. So his way is to yell, scream, and take away the checkbook and my credit and ATM cards. So now he has this CONTROL issue where he wants me to think that my trip is hanging on his final say or should I say approval.. He is turning into his father. When his father was alive and towards the end sick with emphysema he too had total control over my mother-in law. He had her hopping everytime he beckoned for her presence. If she was at someone's home and he called she had to drop everything and run home to him. This is how I feel too. Whenever I am out I am constantly looking at my watch to see how long it has been since I left the house. I hate it. I had more freedom living at home with my parent's as a teenager with a 1 am curfew. I have discussed this many times with him. I know I have a shopping compulsion but what woman does not, especially when they lose tons of weight like we all have! I am going to be 50 years old in October and totally resent being treated like "property". I must state this before I go further that I do love him and see us together until death, which may be very soon for him if he does not cut this possessive behavior out! LOL ONLY KIDDING!!! My life is tough enough with working and coming home stat so the day care provider that cares for my wheelchair disabled 23 year old daughter can go home to her family. I do not hang out in bars, do not smoke, do not go out, and when I do go away rarely with my friend, he makes me feel like he is the one allowing me to do so. Even jailed criminals have more privileges than I do. All I do is get my nails done every two weeks and go tanning. Even then when I get my nails done I have to listen to him that I spend too much money on my nails and I just had them done and I don't need to spend the money. We seem to go through this usually when it is HIS time of the month! I swear he needs to go on anti-depressant something! I have even spoken to our doctor about it but the doctor can't put him on anything unless he asks for it. He will always tell the Dr that everything is fine. Right now I hate my life--no I am not going to do anything stupid. I just hate being married today! If I could support myself on my own I sometimes wonder if I would consider the "D" word. I just now finished dying my hair myself because I am tired of spending $200.00 at the salon. I think it turned out pretty nice but my OTHER HALF apparently does not like it because he is snickering and making a face while shaking his head. Another thing he does that I hate but WILL NOT LET HIM KNOW is he calls me his little shar pei because of all the weight I lost and the saggy skin. Oh, I know I am rambling and I feel very guilty to be writing this because I know that come tomorrow I will regret it but this is how I feel right now at this very moment. I plan on brining this up at my next therapy session. Thanks for listening, you guys are the best! Hugs Marianne

I have "those days" with my husband too sometimes, but he is very, very generous with me and the money! I have to tell him no at buying me stuff most of the time. If I see something I like, I have to be careful NOT to tell him, cause he would do ANYTHING in his power to get it for me (even if we were late paying a bill or something). It drives me crazy not to pay a bill on time! I have a friend who is in the same situation as you, only she has not had surgery and her husband gawks at young, pretty, thin girls and always makes comments like "Look at the rack on that hot girl" and so forth... makes me so sick! Once he said that they NEVER had sex when we were all joking around and then when she got pregnant, I said, well you lied about the sex and he said, yeah, I HAD to have it once... He is a JERK and they have separate checking accounts and live like roommates! I feel so sorry for anyone who has to live like this. You should talk to him about your feelings cause these things can fester and cause some really terrible outcomes! I do wish you the best in this and I hope that he sees he is treating you un-fairly and that he should not be so controlling. Maybe the more weight you lose, the more insecure he is becoming...??? As for the Sharpei comments, I would find his worst feature - mention it to him, and ask him if he would like for you to bring it up all the time. It is not fair for him say things about your skin, as it is not something you can control or change without surgery. If he were bald, would he like for you to point out how shiny and BALD his head is all the time? (that is just an example, but you know what I mean...) I am hoping he comes to his senses while you are gone - and you don't let him keep you from going. He is not being fair and I would not be happy either if I were you! Good luck to you! I hope you have a blast with your friend... don't let him ruin your good time. Vent all you want to here! We are here to listen to you! Hugs to you! Rhonda C. 320/198/140

I have issues with my husband at times and I sometimes wonder why I put up with it but then it passes. I don't feel guilty for being mad cause he deserves it when I am. I wouldn't be able to handle being told what to do. Not that I am controling but I like to be able to control my ownself. I know people going through similar things and I do feel sorry for them. I hope you don't let him ruin your trip. Shannon

Wow! I had to check my calendar to make sure this was 2005 and not the year 1960!! I'm going through a similar problem, but not from the standpoint of someone telling what I can or can not do. My husband believes he's doing everything he's supposed to do when meeting all my needs physically, but emotionally I get zip! He comes home, heads downstairs and hangs out there doing little things here and there. The problem is that he'll be down there until bedtime if I don't say something. It's like he prefers to be alone all the time. I ask him about it, and he says not to take it personally, but I do. Because of him, we have few friends - no friends (he's a nice guy, but not a socially interactive person. I'm socially interactive, but not a nice person), and I have spent most of my marriage building a world with him, around us (11 years), so when he disappears, where the hell does that leave me???? In front of the tv, watching shows that I really don't care about, but are at least entertaining, fogging the mind. Or, finding something to complain about - sometimes valid, sometimes not. Or spending money (this has been a pattern even before I met him, but since the time of our marriage, we've (I've) been dealing with marital/family/sexual issues that are too long to get into) Or getting depressed, and then withdrawing, dreaming about what I really wanted when I got married to him. I know he probably does the same thing. And now, I'm losing weight. I'm getting back the energy I took for granted before meeting him, and seeing the possibility of being even more energetic, more healthy by the end of the year. I love him, but I'm finding myself more intolerant of the way he treats me, dismisses me, hurts me. I guess when I was fat I felt like I didn't deserve any better, but I'm not feeling that way anymore. So... I joined Americorps!!! That's right, I joined with Americorps. Our children are grown and gone, and it's just the two of us. I needed to do something that would give me some space, new perspectives, and a chance to regain some skills that I lost so long ago. It's for a whole year, and I get a relocation allowance, stipend, experience and money at the end of the year. What did my husband say? "If it's what you wanna do." Sigh. I guess I'm thankful, because it makes it easier to go, but at the same time, it would have been nice if he even pretended it was a big deal. He likes to say, "what can I do? If it's what you want, how can I stop it?" Well, that's true, but if he acted like he wanted me to stay, it would make me feel better....if he treated me like he wanted me here -as his wife- I would feel little bad about leaving. But I don't. If anything, I feel angry that he doesn't care enough. Anyway, it's an exciting thing. I get to work on an Indian reservation for a year, helping to collect recipes and history from the elders, along with other tasks, I get 720.00 a month (rent is 250), and at the end of the year I get 1200.00 and a partial grant for school should I want to go back. My friend in California says, "he needs to miss you." That may be true, but just in case it isn't...just in case this is the end of the road for us, I want to know I have a life I move towards at 49 years of age. Just a bit of a vent, with revelations galore! Grace

I have a theory after reading lots of posts on various OH boards about relationships. I believe when we were much heavier and felt bad about ourselves, we didn't allow ourselves to be angry about our husbands faults. We just endured because after all, we were fat and didn't like ourselves and so we figured if they put up with us we could endure their faults. Now that we've lost weight and feel better about ourselves, we feel like we have a right to make a few decent demands on our husbands. Problem is, as I see it, they haven't changed. They are still the same as they've always been. They still nag us or withhold money from us or withdraw into their world because our losing weight hasn't really done anything to them. I think in some cases, it makes them MORE possessive or want to buy more things for us to keep us around, etc. But, in reality, they've seen us lose weight but it wasn't like one day we were fat and the next we were skinny. They've lived with us through it and so to them we're pretty much the same, just a little smaller. I remember the first time I lost weight years ago. My husband was complaining that I needed to lose weight. So, I did. Then he didn't say anything about it at all. So, I started eating again and gained it all back. This time, I lost weight for myself, to feel better just going about my everyday life, to have energy, to be able to walk around the grocery store and not get winded, etc. I find it much more fulfilling because it is for me and not for him. I love my husband, but I am not expecting him to change just because I have. It sounds to me like you need to get your hubby and yourself into counseling very quickly. Since you've lost weight, you realize you probably could get another guy and you have already mentioned the "D" word so that is at least a remote contemplation. If you really love him and want it to work, you need to get him to see there is a problem here. He has become a creature of habit and just because you lost weight, it is not going to break him out of his habits. Having an impartial third party help you discuss some things and give you assignments to work on some things will do wonders for your marriage. You know if you did get a divorce, you'd have even more problems. If you have kids there's that whole thing. Your property has to be divided. You feel like a used dishrag. You have to go back into the dating world (what a drag at 50ish). If you're like me, you'd feel like you failed at a commitment you made more than 28 years ago. Most people I know who've gotten a divorce wished they had not. Their second thoughts come way too late to do anything about it. Pray about it and then find a counselor you can both agree on and go see him or her. Your marriage is worth fighting for. You are a person of worth and you deserve to voice your opinion, your wants and your needs. You've been quiet way too long. Make some wave. It might add a little passion in your marriage. Good luck.