Hurt & Very Upset !

This afternoon my Aunt called me asking me what type of diet I was following that I lost so much weight. I told a white lie and told her that I was following the Suzanne Sommers diet, and I walk, no sugar, white flour etc., etc., etc.,. When I got off the phone I figured I better call my sister and remind her that she is the only one in my family that knows about the WLS and that is how I want it to stay. Her response (to my request reminder that she knew since August) was "If I Am Asked I Am NOT Going To Lie!" I reminded her that this is my personal medical history and it is nobody's business and again she told me she is not going to lie to anyone. I told her that I told her in confidence as my sister and I do not want anyone to know about the surgery and it is just like the HEPPA law. She then yelled at me and told me She will not lie--she does not lie---and my losing weight is not on the top of her list and she does not give a crap! I am so upset that my sister if asked would betray me like this just because she claims she does not lie! Now I wish I had kept my mouth shut and not told her anything!! We are supposed to go out to dinner with her and my brother-in-law for Easter and the way I feel now I feel like saying we are just going to stay home! I am in tears! I should mention that my sister is 46 years old--married in 2003 for the first time--has no children--and if she says the moon is pink then the moon is pink! I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when I talk to her because she can explode and yell at me--but DON'T do it to her! Was I asking to much to make this request of her??????? Thanks for listening--I needed to vent! Marianne

I should clarify I do not expect my sister to lie for me--just to tell anyone who asks that they should just talk to me! If I was asked to keep something private in confidence I would. If I was being so wrong--then why is it not wrong for a Dr. not to discuss our medical history with anyone other than those we permit? With respect to my Aunt--I did tell her I have enforced portion control, cutting sugar , soda and bread from my diet and exercising. Thanks for all the advice! Marianne

The decision to have this surgery is deeply personal and can only be made by the person undergoing the knife. Unfortunately, there are a LOT of negative steroetypes about overweight people. . just lazy, won't push away from the table, needs to get off butt and exercise, etc. And there are also dangerous stereotypes about this surgery (i.e. taking the easy way out). And, You are ABSOLUTELY right! This is a medical condition, and you have EVERY RIGHT to expect others to respect your privacy. Of course, it's great when loved ones have enough concern to inquire about our health, but at the end of the day, we should get to CHOOSE who knows what. You chose to allow your sister to share this part of your life, but that does mean you *chose* to give her that type of power. She should absolutely respect your wishes. Just tell her that she can direct any family members with questions directly TO you, and that YOU will choose who knows what about YOUR health and YOUR medical conditions. ((( HUGS ))) Leslie

Thank you Leslie for understanding where I am coming from--I was quite surprised to see a couple of flames on this thread on other boards, and had to realize that all I was asking was not to disclose my PERSONAL medical information. She does not have to lie, just to direct questions my way. I did not mention that my sister has yet to even see me. The last she saw me was two days after I came home from the hospital. All she knows is how much weight I have lost but has not seen the end result as yet. I did not want to post on the thread, because I know someone would even take this out of content, Thanks again for your advice! {{{Hugs}}} Marianne

You're very welcome. And yes, this is a medical condition. . and it should be treated as such. Would she be so quick to share any other type of medical information. . . such as treatment for depression, or cancer, or other! Nope, she doesn't have to lie or conspire. All she has to do is tell friends/relatives "if you want to know about Marianne, then ask HER." Period. I guess I understand this far more b/c I have MS and now likely lupus. I take a LOT of different medications. My mom knows all of my medications and such, but I think I would be irritated if she were to discuss some medical information that I desired to be private. It's really not an issue of *this* surgery. It's an issue of you choosing WHO you share YOUR medical history and treatments with. Plain and simple. Morbid obesity, as well as weight loss surgery, are both medical information. ((( HUGS ))) Leslie

Marianne - you're completely within your right to keep this private if that is what you chose - so once you have composed yourself (I'm sure you may still be furious with your sister and your last conversation)..then call her up and let her that you understand her position not to lie - and that you as well don't lie however she needs to understand that you confided in her about her medical condition and do not wi**** to go any further. With that in mind - remind her also that you are eating healthier foods and working out to improve your health - and that is something that she can share with anyone who asks - and it wouldn't be a lie. And if anyone inquires further such as what diet you're trying, etc - that they need to go to you. If you present it in this matter - and she responds favorably then it may subside any friction between you guys. I'm sure you would want to spend some time with her and the family w/o divulging any pesonal information other than the obvious diet/exercise program. This way in "public" you can speak freely about what your choices are and it might even help someone who is trying to lose weight as well. If you present it in this "light" she will feel that you're not pressuring her to do something she doesn't believe and you're "secret" is safe. You don't want to go around feeling stressed as to when someone will find out your personal information. Hoping that you find peace with your sister.

Thank you for you help Ruth. I am waiting to see what kind of response I get back from my sister Re: my e-mail letter I sent to her trying to explain my request. {{{Hugs}}} Marianne

Marianne: I know exactly where you are coming from. I did not tell anyone except my husband, children and best friend about my surgery. I am a little more open about it now. But, as a health professional, I am sure you are referring to the HIPAA act. Unfortunately, that only provides your health care providers from devulging any medical/confidential information regarding your medical issues. So, if your sister wants to blab, there is nothing you can do about it. That is sad and I know you are not asking her to lie. But, it is really none of her business to devluge your information - she is your sister for God's sake!!!! Unfortunately comparing her to the HIPAA law - there is no comparison. Good luck to you. J.

Thanks Everyone I really appreciate your responses to my post. I am doing better today. In fact after the phone conversation I emailed my sister to explain what I was trying to get across to her. I have not yet gotten a response. We shall see! I'll keep you all posted! {{{Hugs & Many, Many Thanks}}} Marianne

I don't think your wrong for being hurt. I would just die if my sister betrayed my trust. I mean you are blood and just because of that she should be willing to keep your secret to herself. Sounds to me like there is just a tad bit of jealousy coming from your sister's comment. Oh well. I guess one thing that you probably know is that if it does come up, and she does say something that it is to late for anyone to say or do anything about the surgery. No one can change your mind cause it is done and over with. Honestly if it were me I wouldn't go out to dinner with them. I try not to hold grudges but I also don't feel like I need to be around people that make me feel the way she makes you feel. I have a big mouth when pushed and I would not be able to control myself if provoked. I hope all goes well and she just doesn't answer if asked. You know you can trust us, no one's gonna tell your secret here. Good Luck Shannon