One Year...Long
I had intended to do this last night from home...my son is home from Florida where he is stationed and I figured he would be out with friends but he wound up staying in so I cooked his favorite dinner and we wound up watching movies together. (By the way I had my first "too skinny" comment then too..."Mom...you need to stop loosing weight...your arms are too skinny." I had to flex them and show him the muscles I have via lugging about that big ol granddaughter of mine).
I did not want to attempt this here from work in case I got emotional...which I know I will.
First I have to report on my 25th high school reunion. I had a BLAST. It was held on the 18th in Tyler, Texas. That morning I got up and did some shopping...decided I wanted to find that perfect little black dress, and I had to wait till I had the time to fully concentrate on the quest. It was the first time I had set out to really go shopping...previously I have run in to Wallyworld and grabbed some slacks or jeans when what I had would no longer do, but no REAL shopping. I started to drag a girlfriend with me, but decided that this was to be a ritual...a passage...and one best done alone. I went to the mall and went through soooo many dresses...when I finally found the one that said..."Yes, I am THE ONE"...I tried it on in size 12 which I have been wearing for about a month and a half...it fit...was actually a bit loose, so I slipped a 10 on...this would work, bit snug, but I could pull it off. I stood there looking at myself in the full length mirror and realized...there was something familiar about that woman standing there. I couldn't quite put my finger on it...I must have stood there for 10 or 15 minutes just looking. Then it hit me...it's HER...that woman I have caught glances of just out of the corner of my mind's eye...its really HER. SHE's really ME. And shes NORMAL looking...hell...she's even PRETTY. I had to sit down then because the tears started flowing and the nose started running. I grumbled something about "damn allergies", God forbid some woman was in a changing room bawling her eyes out. After awhile, sitting there among the different dresses and all those full length mirrors, the person I knew as Beth and the person I knew as Who Beth Could Be, finally became one and the same. Inside I was feeling a peace and joy that I had never felt before. With a big grin I got up, put my clothes on, gathered all the dresses up, and when the attendant asked if I found what I needed I said, "yes ma'am I sure did." I left without buying that black dress...because in my mind the perfect little black dress had always been a size 8 and I knew I would be back soon to get that size 8, BETH knew it would happen. I went to the reunion that night wearing some nice low rise flare leg black slacks and an off the shoulder black blouse and a sense of self confidence I had never had before. I had no fear or anxieties about my appearance or what anyone would think of me. Even the b*tch crowd, who were, by the way, still b*tches, could not put a damper on how I was feeling. It was so awesome to see that alot of those popular IT people were...well...let's just say time had NOT been kind to them. I won the award for Most Changed Female Classmate. At first I was shocked...wait...how had I changed since high school??? Although I had been fat almost my whole childhood and teenage life...I did manage to lose all that weight, down to 130 lbs the year I graduated, I always had short hair...maybe thats it... But I never dated any of my classmates...I don't guess they could get past the fat image of me they had. I was the fat jolly class clown. But one of my friends said...it's a compliment...your whole look and attitude have changed, you haven't stopped smiling and laughing the whole night...just look at most of these women...they look like HELL. I realized she was right...I had circulated through the crowd, smiling and chatting, LAUGHING, very few people recognized me at all. I even had a couple of male classmates flirting with me and I caught them looking at me when they thought I wasn't looking. At first I thought it was my imagination...the old me doubting myself again...but no...that was definately flirting and that was definately looking. Scary and exhilarating at the same time. I renewed some old friendships that had fallen victim to time and distance, got addresses, phone numbers and email addresses. It was such a great night. I will never forget it.
The past 12 months have been a roller coaster ride...mentally and physically, to say the least. To say I have been transformed is an understatement...body and mind have gone through so much change. I have worked my program and fallen off the wagon, beat myself up, climbed back on, (repeat previous clause several times)...I do not profess to be one of those who has behaved perfectly. If I had had the willpower to stay on a diet and exercise routine without fail...I would not have needed this surgery...I would never have gotten fat (I take what these so called "perfect people" say who claim they have NEVER cheated or regressed on thier programs with a big ol grain of salt...I will probably get flamed for that but new posties need to know they they are NOT failures if they miss a beat, just learn from your mistake and get back on that wagon). Losing slow has been frustrating at times, and scary (am I going to be the one that this doesn't work for?). Maybe that was on purpose...maybe I needed to learn patience and acceptance. In that light...being able to accept my humanity...and being able to finally accept and forgive myself...and love myself...that has been my success. The weight loss was just icing on the cake
Will I lose more, get to goal? I will. I have faith. I also have to say, that should I not lose another pound, I can accept that. I can be happy right here. That is part of the magic of this gift I have been given that I never expected.
I owe my God, my surgeon, my loved ones and friends who have supported me on this ride, a huge debt that I will never be able to fully pay. I hope just knowing a happy me will suffice. I hope my dad is looking down and can see me. I hope he is finally proud of me. I wish he could see how happy I am.
Love,
Mary Beth
283/170/150?
Mary Beth:
Congratulations on your anniversary. I'm glad you had a great time at your reunion. Just being able to regard yourself as normal is in and of itself reason to be happy.
It's up to you now if you want to lose more weight or just maintain where you are. Now it's abour whatever makes you happy.
All the best,
Jesse
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