testing...testing...

I have entered a new phase in my mental/emotional battle with obesity. At almost a year out I ventured out yesterday with the mindset that I would just be "normal". I wouldn't count protein...ounces....carbs etc. Just eat using my pouch/stomach as my "inner voice" relying on it to tell me when to stop...when I was hungry...when I was satisfied. I have now retroactively tallied the score (I am pretty sure I remembered everything I consumed but as we all know that is a flawed method)...to be truly scientific I should have at least written it down as I went but I didn't want to inhibit myself or skew the behavior in any way. This is how close to normal portions or choices I got : Breakfast - protein smoothie Lunch - .5 ounces brisket - 3 tablespoons potato salad - 1 tablespoon pinto beans - 1 oatmeal cookie (I actually had much more on my plate but this is about what I consumed - I did have a fleeting moment of my pouch groaning and me still wanting what was on the plate) Dinner - 3 tablespoons potato salad 1 table spoon beans - 1 small piece American Flag cake (wasn't really interested in the food just wanted to have a reason to sit at the table and socialize I guess) Snacks: Popsicle and about 5 chips (these two make no sense - it was about 11:30 p.m. and I was working on some job stuff...totally no thought involved and the most scary of all the food consumed for the day) So I then called my average sister in law (about 5' 5" and about 130 lbs) and asked what she had to eat yesterday. To the best of her memory ( and she was pretty sure she didn't remember everything) she had: breakfast: nothing lunch: chicken breast, grilled veggies, salad and average slice of apple pie dinner: 3 enchiladas, rice, beans, guacamole, chips & salsa, fried ice cream snacks: 100 cal wheat thins and a granola bar According to fitday.com I had: 1166 cals 52 g fat 140 g carbs 40 g protein She had: 2345 cals 106 g fat 252 g carbs 109 g protein A side note: she added at the end of her list that she was bloated...felt stuffed and did not usually eat like this but was at 2 different functions yesterday. I asked her how she felt about her food choices for the day...she said mentally she had made a note to skip lunch for a few days and do about 30 minutes more StairMaster tomorrow. She experienced no real guilt...just resigned to the no lunch thing and felt like the trade off was acceptable. After putting pen to paper I felt huge guilt over the snacks, cake and cookie. I had some negative inner dialog and some thought to extra exercise. I did not plan to let my eating yesterday effect today's because I know I need protein and proper food and I knew that limiting my food would be counter productive. I also wondered to myself - if it were not for the holiday - would I have eaten differently - and I think the answer would have been yes - I probably would have foregone the cookie and cake...just not sure if something else would be in its place. I would like to do the experiment again on a non-holiday day but to tell the truth I am too scared at this point. The experiment may or may not have yielded insight into my eating psyche now but it did reveal the following to me: I need structure...I need to write down and analyze what I eat. It makes me feel safe and like I am being faithful to my commitment. I need good food ...I felt like crap last night and still this morning Water makes a HUGE difference in my energy level and skin in just 1 day (I probably had about 16 ozs all day - lots of sf tea) I am still addicted to food...I still get excited when it's a free-for-all, the thought of eating sans rules made me practically giddy and if it were not for the physical limitations (lets hypothetically say I had been simply dieting for the last 9 months)...I would have binged and probably ended on a downhill spiral. Bottom line I guess is I am still a fat girl with an internal baby-sitter that I really need. But one of these days soon I am going to have to be trusted to stay home alone....

NO FLAMES HERE!! I'm going to just write as I am thinking and please don't take anything as an attack!! I am in the same boat as you! I'd like to "just eat" and not worry about it and do just that for months at a time. Then, I go back to logging what I eat... So, here's my feedback! As I read what you had eaten, I kept thinking "where's the protein first part?" Even on days when I don't think about anything else, I think protein first... I go through cycles I guess. For months (like last Dec to May), I will keep a food log and track every bite of food that goes into my body. And, I do sort of tend to obsess over it. As I work from home, I can stop at the computer and stick in the info after each meal or snack and then obsess a bit more about the next meal/snack to come! LOL Then, for no known reason, I stop. I tell myself that I have done this so long that I can do it in my sleep! And, I'll go for a few months (now June and into July) and just eat. I am very conscious about getting my protein first. I am very conscious of what is too many carbs (die hard label reader!) and what is not a good choice. I eat my protein food first at EVERY meal/snack. I carry protein snacks in my bag (baggie of pecans, pack of Just the Cheese, etc. I don't do protein shakes. I get all my protein from food sources and my surgeon prefers it that way. I aim for 65 to 80 grams per day. WITH THAT SAID, I sometimes sit and really think about what I have eaten in the past 24 hours--calories, carbs, and protein... Most days when I AM logging it, I average 1000 to 1200 calories, 60 to 75 grams of carbs, and about 75 to 80 grams of protein. The days that I retrace when I AM NOT logging it, I generally end up between 800-1000 calories, 55-60 grams of carbs, and 65 to 70 grams of protein. I actually find that I eat less when I am not counting it all and I can see this in my rate of loss too. And, when I am logging it and look at it and realize that I am not where I should be, I eat more to get it there. So, while I do get in more protein, I also eat more calories and sometimes more carbs. SO, I'm not convinced that writing it all down is helping me on the whole. But, there are a few days here and there when I realize (too late in the evening) that I didn't get all my protein in or I ate too many carbs or not nearly enough calories to stay out of starvation mode and I have to consciously think about food the next few days to be sure I am getting in what I should. I don't necessarily go back to writing things down, but I do think more about each meal and what I need to eat. For instance, yesterday I needed a lot of protein still by dinner time. I grilled myself a ribeye steak and ate that with some beans on the side (actually ate the steak and ate the beans about 1/2 hour later). This helped me get in 70 grams for the day. If I had not been thinking about what I was eating, I would have had part of the steak, a bit of beans, and probably several bites of baked potato.... See the difference? And, when it was all over, I'd be thinking about all those extra carbs I ate instead of thinking about how I got all my protein in for the day! LOL Another thing to think about is that we ARE still new at this! Yes, it has been almost a year. BUT, how many years did it take us to learn to eat? If we'd been left to eat what we wanted/liked as kids, how many of us would ever have tried a green veggie? How many of us would have eaten broccoli? My youngest sister has 4 kids who think chicken nuggets are a food group! They eat a green veggie maybe once a week. They drink soda all the time (water? Yeah right!). They eat at McD's at least 3-5 times per week (either lunch or dinner meal). They do pizza no less than twice per week. She buys cookies, chips, etc as snack foods--not baby carrots or peanut butter! Are they skinny? Heck no! Sis is 5'6" and about 230 pounds. Her hubby is 6'4" but weighs well into the 300s. Their kids are just about the same as far as weight out of proportion to height goes. But, that is their lifestyle. Did they (sister and her hubby) eat this way as kids in their parents' homes? No! They ate balanced meals with veggies and all! They (the whole danged family) have NO concept of protein needed for the body. They have no concept of "good" versus "bad" carbs. And, they don't WANT to know. They eat what they like, not what their body needs. BUT, we--as WLS postops--had to get past that and relearn what we should have learned all those years ago. For some of us it was not relearning it, but more or less just actually doing it. For others, it is truly not knowing and having to actually learn it all from scratch. As the wife of a diabetic man who also has high blood pressure and high cholesterol, even before I began having health issues of my own, I always prepared foods that were lower in carbs, higher in protein, lower in fat/cholesterol. But, portion sizes were an issue. So, for me at least, it wasn't so much WHAT I ate, but more the fact that I never ate breakfast and ate too large a portion at lunch and dinner. Plus, I was a late night eater/snacker. That combined with severe hypothyroidism got me to 410 pounds. I wasn't a binger. I wasn't a carboholic (most of the time! LOL). I just ate too much of what I did eat and at the wrong times of day.... Now, all that is history! And the weight is coming off and I feel TONS better. But, I have to live this lifestyle for the rest of my life or all that can change again.... I guess that what I am saying in such a long-winded way is that we have to focus our minds on actually WANTING those foods that work for us--the protein items off of the buffet or picnic table instead of the refined/carb-heavy/sweet stuff that we drooled over in the past. When we go to someplace with a buffet, I walk the whole thing and see what is there before I put anything on my plate. If there is something there that I would like to try that is not a totally good choice, I make sure to balance it with other stuff that IS a good choice and I eat the good things first. For instance, at the gathering where you ate the cake, I may have selected the cake, but I would also have selected something high in protein first--maybe a piece of chicken or a burger patty... I'd have eaten that first and then nibbled a bit on the cake while visiting with those I wanted to socialize with... Just because it is a "party" or festive occasion doesn't mean that the rules of eating change.... Same goes for my kids. They are not WLS patients, but they have always known what I expect when they fill a plate with food. My 18 year old is terrible about not wanting to eat a green veggie. She goes to the buffet and comes back with a plate that may have a piece of steak, some mashed taters/gravy, some mac/cheese, and some carrots. She sits down at the table and I say "Eliza....What is wrong with this picture?" Her response (in a sarcastic tone), "Where's the green vegetable?" She knows! I have always been that way--even when she was little! So, before she eats what she already has, she'll run get a bit of salad or such to get a veggie in before she eats all that starchy stuff. Her body type can handle the starchy/carby stuff. Mine can't. But, I still want her to eat what her system needs! LOL Now I feel like I have preached a sermon to the choir! But, I think about this stuff on a daily basis. I think about this stuff especially when grocery shopping and meal planning. My whole family is healthier since my surgery as THEY have had to think about some of this stuff that I used to take care of for the whole family. THEY have learned about what is and isn't a good source of protein. THEY have learned more about carbs/starches. They have all 3 lost a bit of weight just due to those changes in food selection and thought patterns. And, I hope that it has long term benefits for them and not just during this period of adjustment. Will it? We'll see! But, they can't say later that they didn't know this stuff! LOL Stop kicking yourself about yesterday. You know what you have to do. Yesterday is gone and you can't get it back now. I'm not gonna say "don't let it happen again." We will have bad days here and there! But, we have to know enough to realize it and do better afterwards! And, kicking our own ass on the exercise routine helps! LOL But don't let "I'll just exercise 30 more minutes this week" give you an okay to eat something you know you shouldn't! LOL I'm going to stop now!! Fire off a response if you still have any energy after reading this novel! Hugs, Lea

Hey Leah! Thank you so much for the well thought out and in depth response. I guess it just brings it home once again for me how different and yet how much the same we all are. I know I will only be as successful as I allow myself to be. I wish I had a crystal ball to look about 6 more months ahead to see if I have really stayed the course...today I feel confident. A conversation with my MIL tomorrow or another round of crappy PMS might change that Thanks again and its nice to know we have a sounding board and truly empathetic input when we need.

You are very welcome! I think that we (WLS postops) are more alike than even we realize... We are all different shapes, sizes, races, etc. BUT--We have the same fears. We are excited by the same things. We have common goals and look forward to the same things.... And, we kick ourselves just like everyone else when we do something that we know we should not have done. BUT, we have to know enough to move on and keep going! LOL Even after those conversations with the MIL and PMSing... We suffer, but we move on! LOL And, when we need to, we come here to vent, look for advice, and find support. I saw your response to my thread... Thanks for taking time to post! Hugs, Lea