Jealous Hubby

I know this is a common problem after WLS but I never thought I'd have to deal with it. Hubby and I have gone out several times the last few months. We've had a great time. Met some new people, saw some old friends. Very festive. I didn't think the boys were paying me any special attention at all. Some nice compliments, but the interaction seem the same as always. A few weeks ago, my husband started going on and on about me leaving him for some younger rich guy. He's mentioned it before, but not continually. Hubby is 9 years older me. Now that I've lost all this weight, I look younger (I actually think it's my new hair cut), so the age difference seems more pronounced. I've done everything I can think of to reassure him. I've canceled lunch with an old friend who came in from out of town. In fact I've canceled all my plans for about a month now. I've been sexually agressive torwards him. I've gone on and on about how much he means to me. When we met, I didn't want to get married. I was great being a single mom. I had a good career, a house, and was really enjoying the fact that everything was mine. I made that clear when we first went out. But, love is powerful force. I knew within 48 hours I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He asked me to marry him on the second date, and I said yes on the third. I wouldn't be with him, unless it was something I really wanted. Now my husband is going on and on about me leaving him for some younger rich guy. No one specific. Hubby is 9 years older me. Now that I've lost all this weight, I look younger (I actually think it's my new hair cut), so the age difference seems more pronounced. I've done everything I can think of to reassure him. I've never given him a reseason to doubt me. However, this is becoming a self-fulling prophecy. The longer he whines about me leaving him and him not being good enough for me, the lower my tolerance level gets. I'm starting to feel like I'm being held prisioner by his emotional black mail. I don't want to stop seeing my friends. I can't just stop working late or traveling when the job requires it. I always invite him to come along. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. So, here's my quandry. Do I ignore his feelings and go out anyway or do I stay at home and reassure him he is still the love of my life? Neither seems like the right option. Thanks for your thoughts, Torrey (281/198/145)

Torrey, what you describe sounds very -very familiar. The only thing that is different in my situation is that my HB is only a year older than me, but he still says that I'm going to leave him for rich and young...And I've never given him a reson to feel jealous or insecure about our relationship. I try to reassure him as much as can, but I'm not going to fall in this trap that he's seting, willingly or not. I'm NOT going to change my schedule, cancel events with friends, I'm not going to sabbotage my hair/make-up/all the new opportunities in clothing JUST to make him feel more secure in me. I know that I'm HIS and HIS only, I don't have any agenda/plans to leave him for Anyone else. And we have two kids and my parents' very strict upbringing that I had in my family that I see now as an Ancor even in a case of unforseen cir****tances of meeting somebody significant or falling out of love with my mu deerest hubby. He should trust me and learn to deal with unreasonable/unsubstantiated fears of been dumped. Sometimes I think mean are just like kids, requiring constant reassurance . We should treat them with love, but don't let them control us. I hope what I was trying to say makes sense... best wishes, Rita 255/179/160

Hi Torrey, I like what Rita said. It makes sense to me to stay true to yourself and be who you are meant to be. I love Dr. Phil's advice as well. 1. "We teach people how to treat us." So I believe you need to let your husband know that he needs to stop treating you like he doesn't trust you. I know that he may see men looking at you differently, but that doesn't mean you are going to look at them differently. Tell him to trust your love and stop treating you this way. Acknowledge his feelings, but don't let him treat you differently because his comfort level has changed. You have to stay true to who you are. 2. "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." As I stated above, acknowledge your husband's feelings but get to the root of them. Did he think he wasn't good enough for you when you got engaged and now feels like that your looking for something better? Set him straight. Remind him of your romance at the beginning and how you didn't even want to get married, but you fell in love with him and it hasn't changed. 3. "There is no realty; only perception." & "There are two sides to that pancake, no matter how flat you get it." In other words, he sees this one way and you see it another way. Your looking at the same pancake, but from different sides. Try to see his side and have him look at your side of things. Hope this helps. I'm not married, but live in all kinds of relationships from family to work to friends and this is the approach I take with them all. I am proud of who I am (always have been) and who I am becoming. I don't think I've changed who I am, but the outside causes people a different perception of me. However, I don't let them make me feel bad for who I was and who I am becoming. Its a journey and life is too good thin or fat to give up who our authentic self is! Best of luck, Lori 293/206/135/130

I am not married but I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, just broke up, and the only advice I can give you is to think of yourself first. You have gone through this surgery to make yourself happier and to make yourself healthier. The only suggestion I have for you is to sit down and tell him what your relationship with him is. Tell him just because your outside has changed your inside hasn't and you still love him as much as you did the first day. And if he still doesn't get it just yell...just kidding. ;-) The more you talk to each other the clearer things will become between the two of you. Good luck!

Thank you so much for your replies. It's such a tough situation. Relationships are such hard work. I need to find a balance of reassuring him and taking care of myself. It didn't help this weekend that a guy did hit on me at a birthday party we were went to. It's so very strange. Having been large 90% of my life, I've only been hit on a few times. This was discussed in another thread, about being treated differently now that we've lost weight. I enjoy the attention, but hate that I didn't get it when I was the same person, just larger. I wonder if that is why my husband's reactions are so irriating to me. I'm the same woman who loved him 8 months ago. He wasn't jealous then. Torrey (281/197/145 but I'll be happy with 170)