Why am I such a Chicken?? Confidence issues...

Hey Everyone! Okay so I just wrote this email to a dear OH friend... regarding my confidence or lack there of as it may be... I was wondering if anyone one else has felt this way? Here are a couple of bits from the letter... Any advice would be appreciate! Thanks! "Why am I such a Chicken???" Okay so here is my dilemma... So generally I am a pretty confident person... I don't really take **** from anyone, and always have the well its my way or the highway type of approach to life... Because generally speaking I don't care that much what others think of me... I like me and thats what matters right? But when it comes to men, and only ones that I am interested, I am a complete and udder mess and have ZERO confidence. I mean I am down 72 pounds in less than 4 months... who wouldn't have more confidence?!?!?!? I don't get it... when they doled out my confidence, did they forget to put some in the jar called men?? I am sure you are wondering where that tangent came from so here goes... While working at my last account, I hire this guy named Jason... Totally hot guy, about 25 or so... funny, charming, he is in a band... a little bit of the bad boy image... but just bad enough you know? So anyways, we have been flirty flirt flirting (my new term... I just love it) for a couple of months... but due to the fact that I am kinda his boss nothing could ever come of it you know? So, I was just polite... of course i flirted back a little but, I didn't ever think anything would come of it... Well on my last day there, he asked for my number... well we ended up exchanging numbers and he told me to give him a call when I got back in town (this was the day I left for cali... Tuesday Nov 22nd to be exact... ) So well being the semi-game player that I am and not wanting to seem overly interested... I didn't send him a text message until today... Plus I was sick and feeling icky so i didn't even think about calling texting him... Well so I did today... and we text messaged back and forth... I was so nervous the whole entire time... afraid that I was going to make a "fatal error" as sex in the city termed it... I mean come on... i shouldn't be like this... I feel like I am 14 again... Do you have any self confidence issues? I mean generally speaking I would consider myself a good catch... I am funny, smart, not bad looking (I mean I am not a supermodel, but i don't look like I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down either)... You would think I would have more confidence? Now, I do believe that some of my weight gain was due to the lack of confidence and making myself as unattractive as possible that way I wouldn't have to deal with situations like this you know? Then the other thing I have been thinking about lately is now that I am thinner and I would put myself on the more just above average size charts, I am kinda bitter at the guys who hit on me... Whats so different now that I am thinner I am okay to date but when I was heavier I wasn't... I am the same person as I was then... so why now? Is it just physical? If all you are interested in is my psysical appearance what happens if I gained weight again? Had children? If you are only attracted to me physically, are you only looking for a lay? I don't know... it just drives me crazy... I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes... I didn't have this surgery so I could fit into a smaller dress size... well yes, it is a bonus, but seriously... And okay so when I do get to my goal weight, and I am a size 8/10, am I going to still have the confidence issues that I had before/today? Am I always going to be a fat girl trapped in a skinny girls body?? Have you felt at all like this or have I fallen of the deep end? Let me know! Any help/advice would be appriciated... Bridget 280/208/140ish RNY 8/8/05

I am not completely sure that what you explained was a confidence issue. You were able to flirt with him with no problem. I think everyone goes through a spell of liking someone and not knowing what to say or trying really hard not to put their foot in their mouth. We all want to make a good impression. You are no different. You took the first step and are doing just fine. As far as the attention from guys now that you lost the weight, I probably see this issue much different from anyone else. First of all if someone were to ask me to describe the perfect man for me, I can't say that body type would not be mentioned. I believe the difference is now that you have lost some weight guys will approach you much easier and much more than before. However, if some of those same guys were to get to know prior to having lost weight I believe that after meeting you and getting to know you they might have also wanted to get to know you better. You also have to look at you own defenses. When you weighed more would you have been flirting as much as you are now? Has the loss given you that ability back or did you aways flirt? When you have been open to the guy who approached you and would you have taken him seriously. I think it's the outward appearance that first gets anyones attention, but it is who the person is on the inside that will keep them. And yes your right there are some men who are probably trying to get with you just to sleep with you. But those same men would do the same thing regardless of the weight. It's not the weight that is causing these types of men to act this way, it's them. No matter who the woman is or what she looks like. Explore the relationship with this guy and see where it goes. Just a word a caution, don't give too much too soon. If he is mister right he will wait. Joyful 1

I know I'm going through some pretty serious mind boggling issues but not with "men" perse because I'm married lol. What is making me sad/mad... a combination of the two is that fact is... I'm looking great! I'm feeling great! my confidence has blossomed. I'm wearing fashionable clothes, heels, make up etc. But people are treating me diffrent... like "i'm a bit too much for them too soon?" I guess? What? I did'nt loose all this weight and put in this much hard work to continue walking around in XXL Tshirts and 2X stretch pants with no make up and flip flops on? lol. My personality is just the same... I'm still the humerous person I always have been, but it's like now.... before my humor hid the fact that I was always the fattest one in the group. Now, my humor trys to hide the fact that I'm a thin person. I don't really feel comfortable around most people I knew pre-surgery and am on the look out for new friendships who can get to know me for who I am now. Why does it feel like I had a sex change operation or something? ROTFLMBO! I know... a kind compliment for me, means so much to me.... when it's said sincerely. But those are few and far inbetween. I think my dogs tell me everyday with thier puppykisses but that's about it lol. (Santa is going to be good to them this year) lol.

Bridget! Let me start by saying that if you are anything close to your pics you are a very-vey beautiful girl... I'd have a hard time believing trhat you had some problems attracting men even when you were at your highest weight....Even if we talk about those "shallow men" that are consumed by physical apperance only. And assuming (from reading your profile and your posts) that you are bubbly, smart, witty, creative and stable young woman, I don't see any underlining resons for low self-confidence with men. But of course like everything in life, this is very subjective and depends on many factors. I do think that it is absolutely normal that we get more attention from men now compare to "before"....Physical apperance is something that we percieve first (regardless of gender), and it's not to be denied... hence more attention from strangers, more flirtatious looks etc.... I only see a problem if somebody that KNEW you as a person before and didn't seem to be "into you" before for whatever reason, all of a sudden becomes "interested".... that would offend me.... other than that---nah.... I don't think it's anything feel bad about. As for your emotions and doubts about this new gyu...don't we all go through that? WLS or not, fat or skinny, we all are humans. I hope everything works out for you the way you want it.Keep us posted take care, my TWIN surgery Sis (somebody said littermate ) hugs, Rita RNY 08/08/05 5'7'' 255/201/160'sh