Family Matters

Are any of you dealing with decisions concerning telling your family you are having surgery? I cannot tell my parents because I don't want to worry my dad (who is 90 years old) and my mother has belittled me for my weight for so long that I refuse to even talk about weight issues in her presence. She has put me down for so long and had me on diets all my life, even when I was a little girl. I have been made to feel that I have just disappointed her SO MUCH for basically being a bad girl and shaming the family by becoming obese. The way my mother talks, there is no greater sin in this life than to be even remotely overweight. She was watching the Miss America pageant talking about how fat the contestants were and wondering why they couldn't find any pretty girls to be in the pageant. Anyway, I am dealing with this and many other issues in therapy, and I have chosen not to tell my parents about the surgery. After it is all over, I will have to tell them something...I can't very well lose 215 lbs. without some explanation, but right now I just can't deal with the stress. If I tell her now, she will make my life hell for the next 4 days before the surgery, telling me that all I would have to do is cut out sweets, like SHE does, and then I would lose weight. But according to her, I have just "done this to myself deliberately" like any woman would CHOSE to weigh 365 lbs. So, this is the decision I have made. I just got off the phone with my sister, who is supportive of the surgery, but she is pressuring me to tell them or at least write them a letter...basically she wants me to let her off the hook in case I die during the surgery....so they won't put any blame on her. Ok, in a perfect world, I could tell everyone everything and there would be an outpouring of love and support, but this is not the case here. I honestly do not want to write them a letter. I am going to talk this over with my psychologist on Tuesday, but I am having car trouble and am worrying if my car is going to make it to his office, which is 2 hours away from me. I have a friend who is going to come and take me to the hospital, which is three hours away, so I don't have to worry about my car for that. I can't get my car fixed until after the first of the month because I have to wait on my disability check. I am so stressed about a lot of things and would like to CALM DOWN before this surgery. I am not having this surgery to get thin or to look pretty for shallow people who cannot see beyond my weight. I am having this surgery because I need to improve my health NOW or I will die. I have fibromylagia and osteoarthritis, among other things, and I cannot get up out of my chair or walk without extreme strain and exhaustion. I have got to get my health back. I don't want to listen to people talk about my looks. I want to get some of the mobility that I have lost and I want my life back. I know I will have to tell people something, even though it's none of anyone's business really. Some people I don't mind saying, "It's none of your beeswax," but there are some people who I will be wanting to give some sort of explanation to. My mother? I will want to explain to her that I am NOT doing this because of any of the insults she has hurled at me in my life. This is for my health...period. Yes, I will enjoy wearing clothes that are smaller than 28's. I will enjoy looking better, but I don't want to have to listen over and over and over to how horrible I looked before and how much better I will look after. I know there is no way to avoid this, but still...there has to be a better way than lying to people and making up excuses. My best friend from childhood will be helping me with my after care. I have told my parents that I am going to visit her for a couple of weeks because her husband is out of town and she wants some company. I HATE lying like this, but I have been forced to do so because I cannot go through what I will have to go through if I tell them. Also, I don't want to go into this surgery with big arguments in the family. My mother will cry and make it all about her and how dare I do this to her when all I have to do is just diet. Then she will call me every hour on the hour with suggestions like why don't I try that cabbage diet or why can't the doctor give me dexedrine like she did when I was a little girl? Hmmmm.....while I was just typing that, I thought about something....I could perhaps tell them that, while I was visiting my friend, she gave me this protein drink that she loves and that she has lost some weight on it and it's really good and filling and I'm doing that for a while....maybe tell them that my friend and I went on a two week diet while I was visiting her and.... I don't know. I wi**** didn't have to be like this. Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long, but I was just wondering if there are others who cannot, for whatever reason, tell your family about your surgery and what you are telling them. I am not a liar by nature and I hate to do it, but under the cir****tances, I see no other option. My sister was telling me I was going to have to tell them something because she didn't want to be caught in the middle of it. I asked her if she would be willing to be there when I told my parents then. No. She is not willing to do that because she knows what kind of war it will start. She agrees that I probably shouldn't tell them, but she doesn't want to have to be the one who tells them I'm dead if I don't make it through the surgery. And that's another thing....I wish people would stop talking about "if you don't make it through the surgery..." Anyway, thanks for listening. I am thrilled that I am having this surgery, do not get me wrong. I have fought so hard for this and I wouldn't stop it for anything in the world. I want this. I deserve this. I need this. But I do wish I could go into it without feeling all this GUILT because I cannot be honest with the people I care about. Joni

hi joni my name is anita and i kinda went though some stuff like that i cant tell you what to do but you need to care about how you feel and not worrie about what other people think i just had surgery 8-3-05 and i am down 21 lbs people always made fun of me for being fat and yes there are mothers out there that put there children down my mom did for many years but you have to be the one to decide what is best for you people would say you shouldnt have that surgery it not good for you there is people out there that dont want people to feel or look better and that is sad i hope every one the best i hope you the best and i will keep you in my prayers god bless you anita

Your mother and my mother must be TWINS!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER!!!!!!!! You are doing this for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not let anyone take that from you!!!!! Who cares what other people think!!!!!!! Be strong and let your sister know that your intention is to NOT tell your parents and stick to your decision.. That is her issue.. Tell her not to tell them either.. Hang in there.. Remember you are doing this for YOUR HEALTH.. No one else.. Sending you healing you hugs!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Joni, I'm so sorry for what you have had to endure. You really have to focus on what's best for you. For others that have never dealt with a weight problem, just telling us to "cut down" is so easy for them to say. I am 6 days post op, & believe me, you will tell your parents eventually. I am finding that more & more emotions are coming out through my mouth rather than getting shoved in my mouth by food. You will realize that some day you will have to confront your parents and when you do, keep your head high & be proud of the decision you've made. You are not taking the "easy" way out that's for sure. This is hard and takes alot of adjustments, but the end result will be wonderful. A healthy, happy, proud woman that has taken a firm stand to get rid of the obesity that has comsumed you most of your life. Now, on to the dieing thing. Just remember that the chances of dieing with this surgery are the same if you were to have your gallbladder removed. I told everyone including my husband & children. If god forbid, something was to happen to me during surgery remember that it was my chosen time from God. It would have happened whether I was having surgery that day or not. I just really believe that when it's your time, it's your time & that God is going to take you wherever you are. I was going to write letters to each of my girls, but then I thought...NO, that's negative thinking and opted not to. Go into this with a positive mind & all will work out just fine. Good luck with your decision regarding your parents. Who knows, they may have an oposite reaction & feel that it's the right decision for you. Either way, know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. Focus on your healing process and all will fall into place. Good luck & God Bless Tammy

Hi, Joni - I am so sorry that your family is not more supportive. BUT, this is a decision that you have made for you and your health. I applaud you for that. This is a VERY difficult decision, and I know how hard it is to make. I said 15 onths ago that I would NEVER consider this surgery because I was too chicken. My husband had it done May 6, 2004. He was 483 lbs. and never got out of his recliner except for work because it was just too much for him. His surgery was uneventful - no problems at all, and he has now lost 220 lbs. He has as much energy as our 12 and 15 yr. olds! He feels fabulous. I decided on his 1 yr. anniversary to have the surgery because the dr. told me that with my diabetes I wouldn't be here in 5 yrs. That scared me more than the surgery. My surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:40, and I can't wait!!!!!!!! I am ready. I cannot tell any of my closest friends, because surgery is against my religion. But I have depended on the OH messageboard for support and my husband and kids. I can do this. I will do this for me and my dear family. I WILL be here for graduations, weddings and other imprtant events. I cannot worry about what others may think of my decision. It is the right one. I hope that you can find strength in the care and love the wonderful members of this board express. I am sad that your mom hasn't known how to be supportive of you. My parents are both gone now, but I can practically hear them cheering me on. They would be sooo proud of my decision. I am proud of your decision. Good luck in your surgery. I am sure that you will do great! You are NOT going to die! Neither am I ! We will just be healthier, move better, and have our lives back!! Congratulations on this most important step to a new you!! Please e-mail me and let me know how you do. I should be home from the hospital Wednesday. Have a good next few days. See you on the LOSING side soon! Enjoy those ice chips! Huge Hugs! Laura

Joni- I also have made the decision not to tell my family or origin, or anyone else for that matter. This is too important and no one else but my medical team and husband get to "WEIGH IN" in this critical matter. Nor am I going to waste my precious recovery energy holding audience to anyone's personal baggage about weight loss issues. As people ask me how I have lost weight I plan to tell them that I worked very hard at it. Enough said. I know this will come up at my In-laws because we all say that there should just be a scale installed at the door, because everyone's is "sized up" as soon as they walk in the door, and if you are lucky, you won't be in ear shot to hear how big or bad you look. Being overweight carries enough personal shame that we don't need others to pile on. You will not die in surgery. Even if you do, they will find out soon enough what surgery you had and then they get to deal with their own "stuff". You may not just need this surgery, but also a "family-ectomy". Please consider renegotiating your relationships with these sick people. Distancing yourself emotionally may be the only way to continue to love them. Save your energy for you. Whatever pay off you get from your relationship with them is not worth them sabotagging this most important decision of your life. Stay Strong, spend several hours online with this group. AND YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ANYONE! PSS to Laura- Any religion that would keep you from this surgery doesn't deserve to have you as a member. This surgery is an answer to prayer! Love ya, Laura D.

joni, i do not have the family issues that you are dealin with. i have a pretty forceful personality at times & will always be the 1st to stand up for myself. mothers CAN be very harsh. my advice would be to write the letter, give it to your friend. that way, if something does happen, she can send it to your mom. tell your mom everthing you have told us. this way if everthing goes great, which it will, the letter can be discarded! as for an explanation on the weight loss, tell her that you are not really sure why you are losin all the sudden. tell her that you think your metabolism is kickin in! tell her it may be your thyroid! you owe your mom respect, you owe her love, you owe her alot, girl! but....you do NOT owe her your sanity or piece of mind! guilt is a hard thing, but you know what....you know who makes you feel guilty? YOU! this is something that YOU want, that YOU have waited for, that YOU have researched, so now.....do it for YOU!!! your mom does not feel your pain, mentally or physically. maybe she can never understand what you are going through and what you have gone through. so be it, you now have a chance to change those parts of you that cause you the most pain, the immediate pain. go for it! don't worry bout those who don't believe in this. you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to worry, so don't sweat it now! think of it as a lil white lie! good luck, bon

Joni, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. Five years ago -before we were married- my husband sent my mother a letter telling her to leave me the hell alone because she had the nerve to tell me at a fitting for my wedding dress that I needed to loose some weight or else my dress wouldn't fit and I'd feel terrible for the rest of my life that I looked terrible on my wedding day. She also started putting me on diets when I was 8 years old because I was too fat in her opinion. She convinced me at age 13 at 5 feet 5 inches and 120 pounds that I was terribly fat and I wonder if I'd known I WASN'T back then if I'd ever have gotten here now? But who knows. I was able to tell my sister about the surgery and knew I had to tell my Dad because he's a doctor and would freak if any of us had surgery without him being there. But I was really scared about telling my Mom. In the end I did and honestly, she surprised me. She was really supportive and came to the hospital and sat with me in recovery while my husband went and got something to eat. I even talked to her about the fact that I always thought she was embarrassed of me for being fat. She said she never was and apologized to me. I couldn't believe it. My husband and I stayed at her house the night after surgery and when my husband went back to work she came and took care of me and my seven month old daughter. My point here is that I don't know your mom and I would never dream of telling you what to do, but that people can sometimes surprise you for the better. My brother on the other hand doesn't know about the surgery and I am struggling to decide if I should ever tell him. We're not close (although we once were which makes it even harder) and he has abig mouth. Telling him anything is like taking out an advertisement in the newspaper and he works with some people whom I really don't like and don't want to have know anything about my personal life. My parents and my sister wanted me to tell him but I said no and they agreed to honor my wishes. But at some point (hopefully!) he's going to see me at a family dinner and notice that I weigh a whole lot less and I'll have to say something believable without lying. I just don't know yet what that would be. I've been toying with just talking about my changed eating habits and not mention WHY and HOW I am eating that way (i.e. the Band). My point here is - again, I don't know your mom and I would not dream of telling you what you should do- but this is about you and you have to trtust your insincts about who you can and can not trust with personal and private parts of your soul. Trust your judgement and then do your best to let go of it. What will be will be even if you spend all your energy worrying about it. Focus on your new life! and the loving people you do have who support you! You can do it. -Elizabeth 242/229/165