Anyone else struggling like me?

Seems like I hit the 18 month mark and now I am struggling with bad habits. Like eating too many carbs and just too much snacking after dinner. Seems like all I think about is "hmm what can I eat now?!?" I know what I need to do but am having a hard time doing it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I haven't exercised in months either. My scale is screwy at home and I don't really know how much I weigh. The last time at the doc, I weighed 155. I feel like I have gained some weight back but don't know for sure how much. I have been drinking beer every weekend too. I have fallen into this habit of stopping on my way home from work on Friday night and buying a 6-pack. I usually fini**** off and want more. We usually go out on Saturday night for pool and I end up drinking way to much and don't remember things sometimes. I know I have a problem and I know I should probably seek professional help. I can't believe that I am telling you all this but maybe it's my way of coming clean and getting a kick in the butt from my friends here. Please don't judge me unfairly. I am a good person. I know all of the dangers of drinking alcohol after surgery. That doesn't seem to deter me from doing it though. I don't drink any other time during the week. Just Friday and Saturday. Any advice? I love you all so much and know that you all care about me too. Anyone else want to come clean with me? I think I need to start posting here daily again. Maybe it would help me fight these demons. I dunno... Take care and remember, don't be too mean to me.. Even IF I deserve it... I love you guys! Lori

Hi Lori! Oh, has reality hit or what!? I totally understand the struggle. For the last month I'm dealing with keeping my weight w/i the 3lb cushion I've given myself. I actually got up 10lbs, but 5 days of concentrating on 3 meals a day and getting my water in brought me down 5 lbs. For the last week I've bounced up and down from 136-139. They say we get a 6-18 month window of "do anything and you'll be successful." Well, I got my 18 months and the struggle is back - though 5 or so lbs is a whole lot easier to conquer than 100! I snack and candy, especially dark choc (milk makes me dump), is a major issue. Exercise is usually a 5 1/2 mile walk weekly, but that's about it. Work has been a mess, but that's not a real excuse - just a reason why I've allowed myself to not make it a priority. I've noticed we've all slacked off checking in here and I've not been able to get to the last two month's support meetings (though I went with a friend as her support person to the Introduction Meeting on Monday - my 2-yr anny to going to mine that started the process). That of course is probably not helping us. The next is from my heart... my mom died from cirrohiss of the liver, after less than 20 years of being an alcholic. As a teacher who teaches what an alcholic is - it's not just that you drink everyday, not that you get drunk every day, not that you can't remember what happened, but that you have a regular pattern that you can't/won't change. As you mentioned, you know you shouldn't drink post-op for various reasons - it's hard on the stomach, hard on the liver, and because we process it quicker, it's hard on the brain as it doesn't have time to metabolize before it hits it. You need to decide for yourself what you need to do. One of the things that is starting to be noticed is that a lot of post-op folks are replacing our food addiction with new ones. We've all come so far to make ourselves happier/healthier - don't replace food with alcohol. Love ya lots - and I'm glad you shared. It's easier to share our stumbles here than in person with the person I said I would be on target post-op while trying to get the surgery. Dawn

Dawn, Thank you for your kindness and caring. Your post really made me think and made me feel alot better. I know what I need to do. I just need to decide once and for all what is best for me. I am really going to try and change what I have been doing. I realize that I am not only hurting myself, I am hurting everyone around me. I keep thinking about what people must think of me when they see me drinking. I printed off a pamphlet from the AA website called "AA For The Women" and it had alot of really good information in it. I am thinking of finding a local meeting to go to. Alcoholism runs in my family. My grandfather was a raging alcoholic and I have very vivid memories of the violence that happened between him and my grandmother. Going to pick her up at 3 in the morning because they had been at the bar and had gotten into a fight when they got home. Finding empty booze bottles while playing in the yard at their house as a child. I never considered myself an alcoholic since I "only drink on the weekends". In my mind, an alcoholic is someone who HAS to drink daily and can't function without it. I know now that isn't always the case. Like you said, it is a regular pattern that can't or won't be changed. My first step is to NOT stop on my way home tonight. I have to start somewhere right? Thanks again for your support. I truly appreciate it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It will be what I make of it, not what something or someone else makes of it for me. Take care and again... THANK YOU! Lori

Hi Lori, I too am struggling with the right decisions to make. I drink a glass of wine about once, maybe twice a month with friends when out. But I am having a difficult time leaving chocolate alone....it is my weakness and always has been. I have recently viewed a great dvd called the Secret. It is about positive thinking and imagining what it is we want. It really opened my eyes to not be negetive in my thoughts and visualize what it is I want in my life. Some of the thoughts were of material things, but I also need to watch how my self talk in my mind goes...thoughts like; "I am not beautiful, I have too much excess skin and how would any man want to be with someone like me." needs to change. I have begun visualizing the man I want in my life, believing that I deserve him, and chasing away those negetive thoughts that seem to always want to take over. I don't know what the secret for you is in all this, but I do know that positive thinking and chasing away the negetive is a great way to achieve peace in your heart. Some of the things I've noticed is that thinking this way was what got me the job I'm in now, allowed me to have this surgery, gave me my dream house and now I am activily visualizing the man I want in my life. I won't settle for less then my visualization, so that may mean tomorrow he comes into my life or years, but I won't give up on it. Sounds hoaxy, but I am believing it for myself. I've seen too many "miracles" in my life not to remember this key. I don't know if this helps, but if it does, I'm glad I mentioned it to you. Seek help in if you need it and get positive about who you are and what you want in your life!! You've already done something positive by having this surgery and getting yourself healthy. Now, lets get ready for major changes in all our lives by using our inner energy to change negative to positive thought patterns to make us even stronger in our lives!! Take care and I'll be thinking good thoughts for you!!!!! Lori 293/181/150

Hey Girlfriend..... How you doing? As usual, I'm seeing this late. But better late than never right? This whole process has been one hurdle after another. First deciding to have the surgery, then actually going through the surgery, then learning how to work with our new tool.... now comes the hard part....continueing to use our tool properly. I will confess over & over again that I do find myself grazing on JUNK every so often. I've stayed between 176 & the lower 180's for almost a year now. I too slacked BIG TIME with exercise. Although it's not an excuse, working 20 hours of overtime every week and trying to get the new house in order has pretty much consumed my day. Now that the nice weather has FINALLY arrived (even though we still have some snow banks) I have been working diligently with yard work which is much more strenuous than walking that's for sure. But 1 or 2 days a week does not compare to the 1 or 2 hrs a day that I was doing. The walking is going to resume...I PROMISE..... So, now, how's your progress going & how can I help? I'm not going to lecture you because you know, in your heart, what you're doing is not right. Please visit a support group meeting or talk to someone either at AA or at your surgeons office. They're all there to help you through this. Remember, the first step is admitting something is wrong & I applaud you for that .... Go back & read your journal & maybe even old posts when we were all posting daily & so gung ho .... That's where we need to be again. Refocusing on a healthier us. I'll do it with you if you want. Just let me know & I'll make sure I get my butt on this site every day to check in. If someone is counting on me I know that I am needed & will make sure I'm here. Remember...we are human...we are not perfect...and we really need to work on trying not to be perfect. Keep in mind, there's always those people lurking out there just waiting for us to fail this as so many others have. Let's not add to that statistic & continue to be successful. I love you & am praying for you & ((((HUGGGS)))) Tammy

Lori, OMG! Can I relate! But with me it's the Casinos and the blackjack tables! I go to the San Diego casinos almost every weekend and Vegas every few months. The good thing-- you can't eat when you're playing! I know I'm being hard on myself, but I feel like I've gone back to all my bad habits. I snack way too much, even wake up in the middle of the night and eat (I think that's a menopause thing). I'm not going to the gym. My trainer quit and I just couldn't motivate myself after that. One of the girls on the CA board suggested a protein bar eary evening, I'm going to try that. Of course it will be a Cliff or Luna bar, I can't stand the sugar free ones. I was thinking of trying Curves, it might work into my schedule easier. I do walk every day, at least the dog's in good shape! I know the one thing that will help me the most, coming to the board every day! While there's great people on the CA board, so much of it is people trying to get approved or just recently had their surgery. But every one on the August board understands me and I them! So I promise to write more and stop lurking! Michele T

Yes I too have been struggling with bad habits. I'm not glad your struggling but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one fighting old habits. I went to my medical doc and when I got on the scale I wanted to die. My doc scale said I had gain 9 pounds. I can't put into words how I felt at that moment. The bad thing about the weight gain is I can see it. It's in my stomach and thighs. I hate that I let that happen there's no excuse. I've been drinking too much and eating salty pumpkin seeds. I started drinking (Arbormist-Merlot) one 8oz. glass a night before bed and sometimes 2 glasses on the weekend. I really don't know why I'm doing this but to be truthful I like the way it taste. I don't drink to get drunk it seems to help me unwind from a long day of work and being a single super mom. I'm sorry if that sounds like an excuse but that's the way I fill. This is not the first time this has happen to me since surgery it happen a couple of months ago and I stopped drinking and didn't have the desire for wine until 3 to 4 weeks ago. I had my doc to take me off work for 2 weeks so I could slow down and get some rest. Well one week has pass and I haven't got a lick of rest. Because of running around trying to take care of business I can't take care of after work. When I go back to the doc this friday I hope the scale will be kinder to me. First thing I have to ask God to help me get over beating myself up because like one of the ladies said in my case it's 9 pound not 100 pounds I've gain so I really need to think positive and get back to work on maintaining my weight. Maybe this happen to alot of us around the 18 to 24 months period. I don't want to get fat fat every in this life time again. I fill your pain and we are the only ones who can help ourselves. I will be praying for you and thinking good positive thoughts for all of us. Take Care and God bless all of you and have a great week!! Carolyn (Jc C)

Hi Lori! I can so relate to what you are going thru. I am also. We go out almost every weekend and have a good time. I dont normally drink beer as it fills me up to much, but they do taste good once in awhile now that it is getting nice out. I drink barcardi Limon and diet coke. Sometimes have a few to many. I have stopped having drinks during the week which I was also doing. Decided I need to exercise instead My weight has pretty much stayed the same. My goal was to loose 100 and made it to 95. I was considered a lightweight. I did drink prior to WLS also so I dont think I am transferring addictions. We need to stay focused and help one another when we need it. You definately wont get any flames from me cause if you get them, I need them to. Sue

LORI!! I am SOO gonna kick your butt!! I love yur tiny little butt - so I am gonna kick it with love. GET your butt back to exercising. I know easy for me to say- because I never abandoned it- but guess what? I never got down to your weight either..so I have remained working out and now have a trainer. U know what you need to get going- and get whatever help you need to keep you there. You want me kicking yur butt everyday? I will send you emails!!! Honestly? It sounds like you are suffering from depression and are real unhappy and covering it up. THINK about it. Only you know what issues may be going on in yur family. This is not meant to imply anything- but think on this. WHEN we were overweight- issues made us depressed and unhappy with our lives and we consoled ourselves in food and drinks etc.. SOMETHING is triggering your unhappiness and you are BACK at the same behaviour. This does not make you a bad person- it just means- you are "comforting" yourself- or maybe "mourning " your former food/ love life..or maybe without realizing it you are "medicating" yourself numb, because something is difficult to face. I'm just offering you the advice I'd give myself - if It were me facing this. You need to start a new road to Recovery. Just take a new day- commit to your body and your exercise. You sound unhappy that you have arrived where you are. Maybe WLS didnt have the changes you wanted in your marriage- maybe your husband doesnt appreciate you the way - some single guy looks at you- whatever the reason. Put yourself before everything- Your health- and be glad you are on God's green earth to see another Spring and Summer- get your lazy butt off the chair and walk like you used to- start small and grow into it. Connect the good feelings with walking and working out. Make that connection stronger than yur desire to drink. You want to be sociable? Order a diet coke with lemon & touch of rum. I'd rather you drink diet coke than beer. (that is what I did in Vegas btw- I allowed myself to drink DC in the casinos- when everyone was getting drunk or I would have lost a lot of $$ LOL) You know what? I still keep walking around with water..I am thristy all the time and drink @60+ ozs without realizing it- everyday. You cannot abandon all your discipline and NOT expect consequences.. so either deal with what is going on- or deal with the consequence of gaining weight and BUYING bigger clothes. YOU CHOOSE. You know I will help you anyway you want. Just let me know. Donna

its hard true but from a recovering alcoholic i want to tell you do not start a new addiction you will have problems. i just had my surgery may 9 2007 . talk to a professional if you think your getting out of sorts. paula2