Help! I am afraid I am sabotaging myself!!!

Hello all! I am really worried about my behavior the past several weeks and wanted to see if anyone was experiencing the same or could offer me some advice or support. I started this WLS journey with a surgery date of 8/2005 I started at 425 lbs and was down to 252 lbs at the first of the year. I still feel like a big girl but realize that starting SMO I would lose to about 200 lbs. It has been about 18 months now and I notice I am so lax about my behaviors now (I was so disciplined and proud of my self control). I eat some carbs, fail to make the time to work out, allow sweet bites to inch into my day and I actually find myself having little snacks (something I never did the first 16 months!) I am weighing in at 260 this morning, feel bloated, and I want to sit down and cry uncontrollably...I am feeling as though I am heading down the wrong road...I want to stop!!! I have to!! The thing most disturbing to me is that I tend to now eat until I feel uncomfortable, like I have lost the sense to stop when I should. Then I feel hungry again in a couple of hours. I feel so desperate! I do not want to ever be the "old me" ever again.....Can someone indentify or offer some help? Please? Feeling desperate, Michelle

hello michelle I see your from lebanon ohio...about 1/2 from me! hi neighbor! did you get a bunch of snow today? Im sorry your having these problems, i think all of us have had some sort or "relapse" at one time or another and these appear somewhat normal.....as long as you KNOW what your doing you can start to change the things your doing wrong......figure out when and what is triggering these behaviors and figure out a game plan BEFORE you get there so you will know what to do when you feel your sliding....we are all here for you....pick your self up, dust yourself off, and get back on the bandwagon, youll be fine...just believe in yourself....you can do it!! this board is an awesome support group, please check back often, it really helps, we all truly care for each other here! Love ya! kim

Kim, Thank you for your reply. We did get some icy snow today! It is crazy how winter has finally shown up! Thank you for your supportive post. I really need to feel I am not alone right now, I really think stress is a big trigger for me and I have alot of that in my life currently! I do agree that it would be helpful to visit OH more often and communicate with others who understand what I am going through. I have spent some time looking for new healthy low-carb recipes to try -thinking that may help by adding some interest and also thinking about what I am ingesting. I know I can turn this around and get back on track, I sometimes worry I am not maximizing the "window of opportunity". I am glad I am aware, albeit maybe hyper-aware, of what i can potentially do to myself! Thank you again for your kind support-you look great by the way! Congrats on your progress! What part of Columbus do you live in? Thank you! Michelle

hi michelle i actually live in pickerington, just east of columbus. its a lil city or suburb. we got about 12 inches here today and the freezing rain is beating down on my roof as i type,lol... you look amazing too!! keep it up! Your new friend, kim

Hi Michelle. I definately understand where you are coming from. I battle this on a daily basis. I even went on a liquid diet for two days, consisting of water and protien shakes. Unfortunately, that didn't last long... I was EVIL because I wanted food. I don't really know what to try next. I too feel like I am going to ruin everything I have worked so hard for. It's very scary and it happens alot. I haven't really gained any weight per say, but I fluctuate 10 pounds easily, which is still bad. It worries me... let me know how you do. I've been getting batter the last few days, other than tonight with the dumb candies! Hope you, and the rest of us, find something that works! Clarissa

oh michelle i'm right with you! i just posted the same thing on the california boards! i guess the "honeymoon" is over and now we need to control what we do! the first step is recognizing the problem so now we can fix it! tomorrow is a new day and i'm just going to try my best to get control and eat right! good luck to you! Lisa B

Hi Michelle, I read through all the posts before deciding to write. I, like you, have noticed that I am eating more (and feel like at times I am sabotaging myself too). But then I realize, I am 18 months out and what satisfied me before isn't taking care of me now. The inside of me has healed and I can eat more...now the question becomes, what am I choosing to eat? I have increased my carbs (bad one too) and that is my choice. This past week I decided to try and eat mostly protein and add in veggies instead of bread. It has been a challenge for me, but I will take it a day at a time. I am hovering between 181 to 178 and I know if I get back to the basics and drink my water, I'll make another breakthrough. But it is hard! It was dificult before the surgery and my choice were horrible then and I have slipped into some bad habits again. Thanks so much for posting your concern, because it has made me think of these choices and begin to take control again. I remember praying to God asking for help because I was out of control and he gave me the answer with WLS. Now I must stay diligent or slip back to being out of control & I don't want that. Thanks for your honesty, it has really helped me to get real with myself again. I choose what to put in the mouth of mine and how much at a time and how often...now I must make some strong decision to get back on track!! Keep working hard, Michelle, we will make it together!!!!! Lori 293/181/150

Hi Michelle I've read thru the posts- but I am mostly like where you are- weight results wise and understand how upset you are- with your body and your self control. Like you- I started heavier than most people here SMO @325 with a 56% BMI..18mos out and Ive maintained my loss of 125 - but I wiggle between 203 and 200. Mostly eveyone has gotten into ONEderland but me. Plus I have friends who have done the WLS and in the time I was still waiting for continued weight loss- Ive had friends go from size 24 to 8 in a year..Its very frustrating. I feel like a failure - even though I went from a size 28 to a 14..and I can't seem to crack under 200!! Plus the guy Ive been dating- since Dec- just broke it off with me- so I really feel hurt. He wasn't my ideal- but he made me feel wonderful and I did for him. He said he couldn't be the guy I wanted him to be. That didn't trigger me in anyway- but emotionally I've been all over the place with friends..so I am learning- trying to stabilize my internal dialogue- thats what I think this is all about. CHanging the negative thought into positive action. What did I decide to do? About exercise? I never really stopped. I have been a proponet (here) and with my WLS group- to exercise.. I joined Ballys- 3 yrs ago- and had some personal training-learned some things- but going to the gym- or exercising without a plan- is like getting in your car without a map for a 3month trip. You need some basic support. When I realized I wasn't getting what I needed anymore - I joined a new gym- just 2/2. They offer 140 classes a week. WHEW! I took one and signed up. SO instead of me going to gym & exercising 30 mins on treadmill, 20 mins on stairmaster and doing some weights and swimming - say 2-3 times week.. I am NOW doing a min of 45mins Cardio + one class a day. Been doing it since 2/6 when I had my trainer assessment- and no exception- no excuses-and I just do it. I have to say- Its a short timeframe- but I can see the physical change in my body. The weight number is the same- but believe it or not- I can feel looseness in my waist and got into a size 14 pant set- that a friend gave me last year- that I could not get into since Sept.- so the activity increase has helped. Try doing something similar- take a goal you know you can make- say 20 min walk or 20 min treadmill.. then add 5 mins the next day and 5 mins more. Once you get into the routine- you will feel better about yurself- your mood will lighten- you won't feel guilty and be happy that you are making a positive change. Remember depression + guilt = overeating. So my thighs feel stronger, my waist looks flatter- my butt is rounder- so whats bad about this? I am MORE than a number on a scale- and so are you. I know I will be happier when I break this deadlock...But here is something else to know: you are not really on a plateau- if you are still losing inches or weight. Apparently the body is re-distributing weight. You are only on a plateau when your weight + have not lost inches for 4 solid weeks. I got that from the Fitness/Exercise Forum. So My recommendation is - 1)get in touch with a local WLS group- talk to others going thru this- its easy to feel alone. I have a great group- but have been blowing off the meetings & going tomorrow. 2) map out a plan you can start with. And every day is a new start- until you find it easy to keep in your schedule. 3) dont overwhelm yourself with negativity- it is the root of overeating . Instead listen to what your internal dialogue is saying- and write down a min of 6 reasons why you are super and loveable and wonderful- right now at 252- and right down 5 things you will do when you lose the next 10lbs. thats all Im foused on- short term 10lbs. I hope this has helped you- I know its kinda long- but you have also helped me get my head straight today. Im at work and putting these ideas down- has helped clear my mind as well. You can email me anytime- will be happy to chat etc. love Donna

YOU are not alone. I am so glad you posted this because I have been feeling the exact same way. These responses you got really helped me as well....Just hope I can get back to it and not truly fall back into these habits that scare me to death but that I feel creeping back up on me.