What's up? Anniversary Month EVE !!

HiYA!! How is everyone? Haven't posted but have responded to posts..We are on the eve of our surgery month.For those that know me- Im usually so positive and motivated. And I hate to say it, Im depresed and nothing seems to be going right. It was my birhtday 7/16 and I turned 50. I sometimes wonder if that is really bothering me or the fact that so many seem to be close to goal or in Onderland and I am not. I feel very frustrated and feel like Im the only one this surgery isn't working for. Its not rational, but more emotional. For my birthday- I had a gathering of friends- all WLS patients- at different places- mostly all before me- one friend - a day after me- and they are GREAT- and mostly into sizes 8-12-14; shorter and taller than me. My mom and son hung out with us and it really was a great time..HOWEVER- after the party my mom says - out of everyone you are still the biggest. It made me feel like **** and obviously it still bothers me. It took me 2 wks to tell her- then she said- I was kidding. She wasn't. She is 90 and has always said things like that to me. You KNOW there is always someone that adds insult to injury and in this case its my mother. My whole life she's been like that. I'm at work and in tears about this. Life is too short and I refuse to feel sorry for myself - yet at the same time I feel devastated. This entire weekend I was stressed- My son decided to take a trip to Chicago- and I told him to leave today- but he wanted to leave Saturday- and guess what? We get all the way to LaGuardia- in record heat- and the flight was delayed. He also has to take AMtrak- so he had a connecting train- and it was sold out all day Sunday- so guess what? The airlines delayed the flight. They had people trying to get out since Thursday and my son had to reschedule till TODAY anyway. He calls me from the airport today- he's 2 hrs early and guess what? They tell him again- the flight was cancelled. Long story short- he got off on time and will make his Amtrak connection today.. So I worked out at the gym yesterday- for along time &felt really good when I left. It seems the only place I do feel I fit in. Mom has been visiting me 2 weeks - and I feel strangled. She helps me and doesn't. Today I found all 3 Isopure bottles out of the fridge, for the 2nd time.. I asked her why- "becuz you have iced tea to drink". Between her and my son I have been so stressed and came to work with a huge headache. The other thing that is depressing me is- being single just really sucks. Inherently I know Ive made progress. Then I attend clubs or singles stuff and see so many women who are younger or thinner than I am, and think- I'm never going to meet someone. (Yet if I attend the old BBW parties- Im too small & guys aren't interested).I go to over 30s events and iInvariably the guys I do meet are wrong or the ones I like, don't call. I have my profile online on a few sites-including Match.com, and its really tough. So many guys scam with outdated or fake pics. I wonder where the really attractive guys and nice men are? Plus I've had (like a) crush on a guy who lives in Canada and we've become good friends or so I thought. He has been very supportive- and advising me on nutrition and fitness and other stuff- always in my corner. Ive done some really nice things for him & his kids when he was down & low. (He survived cancer, is good looking and divorced0. All he sent me was an email for my birthday- I got mad at him for not calling.There is a lot to it- andI don't think it was a lot to expect. We email and chat more than most people talk - and now we're not communicating either. I came to the conclusion that I was more invested in this relationship. Its also 2yrs we've known each other in August. I know our problems don't go away when we have surgery, but I don't think its me, because I try and put effort into things. I don't think its too much to expect, when I think I do so much for people that matter to me. I feel like the only person I matter to is my son- and he does try to make me happy. I appreciate my son and what he brings into my life, but its not the same. I feel really unloved. I don't know how to stop beating myself up over the stuff I haven't accomplished. I got dressed today in misses sz 16 white capris and white printed shirt and thought I looked great. YET I am a mess. I feel so alone and it just really stings. I just don't know how to deal with this or if I'm just overwhelming myself emotionally. Anyone have thoughts? Thanks- Donna

Hi Donna, Wow! for turning 50 you look awesome!! I love your new picture!!!! You don't even look the same as before (I guess about 4 months ago shot is what I am thinking of). I can't believe that your imagine is so different. Beautiful!! Well, mothers can be the best at times and the worst! Your mom sounds so much like my mother, I had to do a double take at what was said. I believe they think that the observations they make will challenge us to do better. The only thing that my mom's negetive comments make me want to do is "EAT!!!" I don't know why they don't understand that the things they say can hurt the worst in our lives. I was always looking for approval from my mother and rarely got it from her. So now when she is negetive to me, I let her know that her comments do nothing good for me and to not say anything if she can't think of something positive. Sticking up for myself with her was hard at first, but I gotten to the point that I don't care if it hurts her when I let her know she isn't helping me. I figure, I'd rather her feel rotten for once and know what I go through then for me to try to hade the way she made me feel. I don't tredge up stuff from the past, just let her know what she said at the current moment isn't appreciated. I think our relationship is better for it. I also know how you feel about the clothes issue. I thought that by now I would be wearing a size 8/10 and I am just beginning to be able to wear misses size 16/18. It is very frustrating. I am in onerderland, but I am only 5'1" and my abdomen area is still huge to me. I have people telling me all the time that I look fantastic, but the mirror shows me something different. My head imagine of myself is better than this time last year, but I still feel and am fat. I see my surgeon on Aug 3rd (my one year post-op date) and I am not looking forward to it. Since my last visit, I've only lost 9.5 pounds. He will make me feel like crap about it too. I have had to be happy with where I am and hope and pray it starts to come off again. I know it will be much slower, but I do want to be able to get to a least 150. That is my new goal for myself. I want to be realistic...instead of dreaming of something that is unattainable. I don't know how else to react at this point. My body is so different than anyone elses that it can be very discouraging if I don't change my attitude about how this is working for me. A friend of mine who is 5 1/2 years out says I look fantastic. I guess I do, but like I said, I see what the mirror shows in this pre-plastic surgery state and it looks like fat to me. Oh well, just wanted to share how my journey is going and to let you know that we all find ways to manage the non-loosing issues and have poor self-image when we look at ourselves. I have to keep believing and thanking people who sees me different and trust that they are being truthful when they say how good I look to them. It is a real character builder for me, I'll tell you that. Well, I've written a book here...sorry! Hope you find something encouraging to you in all these ramblings. Take care and keep on strong in the journey!! Lori 293/197/150/130

Lori- Thank you for telling me, that my mother isn't the only one. She issues of control- you know wanting to "control you" especially with food. All my life I lived with the negativity "boys will never wanna date you", "i wish I could slice off that fat" etc. Once I did ask her about it- what she said was, she learned from HER mother. She said "every knock is a boost". and I think of it quite the opposite. I made sure I brought up my son the way I wanted to be raised, and think I've done a good job. He has self insecurity- but knows he is loved. Not the way I grew up- and YES it does make you want to eat. And honestly- we fight all the time- because I am fighting to keep her off me, and its very defensive and honestly- I don't like fighting. And she is the type that has to have the last word. At least twice this morning before I left the house & after my son headed to the airport- I had to say in plain english to 'shut up". She is just as pushy as ever at 90 as she was at 60. I'm telling you. And I don't get the backhanded comments- she says she's happy she lived long enough to see this day (like I had the surgery for her- which I DID NOT BY ANY MEANS)..she tells me I look like a "large" now, to her that is a normal person. ( And I think to myself I'm so FAR from it) The ONE thing I do like- is that my cast off clothes can now be given to her. I am now smaller than both my son and my Mom (and it was the other way around) so now- she knows I am smaller than her- but she still makes issues over food. Its bad enough I've had my own issues with it (head hunger- how much etc) without adding her to the mix- you know? And yes- you are right- she is not going to change- neither one of our mothers. My brother can't understand why we fight all the time- she doesn't treat him that way- but she never tried to control him either..I thought the 'empty nest' syndrome would have been gone a long time already, you know? And suffice it to say- that my brother had planned to give me a small birthday party at his house- but because of my Mom taking issue with my sister- right before my birthday- he cancelled the party. She admits all the good she does 'goes down the drain' with the bad things she says- but it does not refrain her from saying anything. I have No CLue what my brother and sister will do when she turns 90 in September. I am the youngest and they are both in their 60s (yes you read right) . ANYWAY- thank you for letting me get this off my chest-I think I really needed to vent. I also blame my doctors office- the PA and the nutrionist- because they always kept saying 40-60gms is what you need- When I just found out- that 100/120 is more like it especially when you are exercising or carry are 'apple shaped' tummy like I was- and your body oxidises fat storage faster than someone who is 'pear shaped".. So hang in there Lori- I know as long as we continue to exercise- the fat ( notice I didnt say weight) will come off. Focus on your BMI..because the weight can stabilize but you can lose inches. And just so you know- my surgeons PA told me-that at 10mos or more out- losing between 8-12lbs month is acceptable. So this is why I feel like I am the new kid on the block with the protein- drinking and eating more- boosting myself with like 70gms+ day: One isopure (40gms) one scoop unflavored (26+) in yogurt and one Muscle Milk oatmeal (30gms). I'm thinking about switiching to 2 isopures a day..Anyway- thank you again..Im going to the gym later. Its my therapy I always leave feeling better than I arrived. Hugs, Donna

Donna my dear...{{{{big hugs}}}} to you sweetheart. Bless your heart! I was reallllly sad after reading this post. You have come so far on your journey! And it's still working for you, just a little slower than some people. I have a gal in my yahoo group who had surgery at 285lbs and has lost 90lbs in 3 months! Talk about depressing! But we can't beat ourselves up over it. We all lose weight differently. Some of us slower than others... and others who drop weight every time they turn around! I think we have all been struggling lately with our slower losses. And our emotions getting the best of us. We feel like things should be so much different at almost 1 year post op. I figured I would be at goal by then, but I am not. But I know the surgery is still working. Especially when I try and eat more than I can possibly fit in my small stomach... I don't have any dating advice. I have been with my husband for almost 18 years now. We have had our struggles and have split twice but manage to keep it together most days. I would not want to be out there in the dating world again and give you girls who are, LOTS of credit for braving it! Remember when you are feeling unloved, WE LOVE YOU!!! Seriously, I do love you. I know some people might wonder, "how can you love someone you have never met?" Well I personally believe it's possible. We give lots of love and support here and I hope that what I feel is mutual with us all. Take care you beautiful person! You deserve all the best life has to offer! Lori

THANK YOU..I am such a mess. I have been on and off..If this is menopause this sux! LOL I went for a walk on lunch and it cleared my head, but I returned and both my son and mom called..At least I know my son is ok. As as for rapid weight loss- one of my doc's patients, that I gave a lot of my clothes to, lost 100lbs in 3 mos. She had started at 360 and I saw her last month- she was happy as a clam in the docs office..and I didnt want to burst her bubble and tell her she will slow down right around the time her hair starts falling out. It is true, at least for me it was. In my rational mind, I know that we can continue losing weight after the 12mos. I noticed once I started hitting the gym, that my weight loss slowed and again I thinks its because my docs office failed to provide me with correct information. One of his patients lost 172lbs- yes she is taller- but she was heavier- and she worked out- but I also blame myself because I took it a little for granted that the weight loss would iccur at that rate, as long as you followed your program. I still think this- Im just disillusioned and disappointed and depressed..My girlfirend Janean- began at 248 last May and is now at 128. At 12mos- she was a size 10- nows she's a size 6/8 and lost maybe 12lbs since May. its just that we all start at different places, and I wish to hell I had listened MORE to Dx or other graduates..I found emails from a year ago and they make perfect sense to me now- but I didn't "get" what they were saying last year. Anyway, I just want you to know- I love you back- you and Lori C made a difference to me today- when I really needed someone to understand. I wish I could be passed all the rollercoaster effect of this surgery and moved on to living my life post op- you know? I'm going to go to the gym and I'm not going to worry about men and life and what comes next. I'm just going to let it find me. And do me a favor? Remind me the next time I get off center, that I said that. Thank you so much Lori, you have no idea how much. (((HUGS))) love, Donna

Donna, I wish I could give you some wonderful words of encouragement, but I don't know that I can. You and I are so close in a number of areas. We both started out at about the same weight (I was 337). And it appears that we are near the same place now (209 and been holding here for a while). My birthday was 12 July and I was 51! I too am wearing size 16 pants and must say that it is a far cry from the tight 28's I was wearing just 1 year ago! And, yes, I see some around me losing so much more, but then there are others that have not lost as much. To add to my stess, my 23 yr old daughter in FL is moving and having some issues with that - and she calls to whine. My 22 yr old son is dropping out of college and joining the Marines which scares the wits out of me considering where he will probably end up in the next 6 months or so. And the two of these kids can not seem to speak to each other in a civil manner which drives me nuts. I have been married for 27 years, so I do have a man in my life, and although I love him dearly, husbands can be very stressful also! Didn't speak to him for 4 days last week because he was being a jerk. But, I look at pictures of where I was last year at this time and of where I am this year and marvel at the difference. Yes, I would like it to be more, but it isn't. But I am a lot better off this year than last. My health is a lot better -- I can cross my legs, walk up stairs without being out of breath, buy clothing in 'normal' stores, etc. My blood pressure is back down to normal ranges, my knees don't hurt like they used to and my general health is so much better! When I get depressed, I just take a deep breath and say, "this too will pass" and carry on as best I can. Though, I must say, sometimes a good cry helps a lot! I hope you can get to a place where you feel better about yourself. Sometimes we just have to try to let the comments of those around us run off our backs. Don't let the negative comments of your mom undermine your success in what you have accomplished so far. You look great in your pictures. If you have a question about that, look at pictures of yourself from last year and then look in the mirror. You are a success! And, the journey is not yet over. I find myself falling 'off the wagon' and eating things I shouldn't. But, I rededicate myself the next day, or week and get on with it. You can do that too.... and you indicate that you are with Isopure and the gym. Keep up the good work. No one ever said this was easy and you didn't put all this weight on in one year. You are moving in the right direction, although it is slow. Keep up the good work. There are people here on this board that are cheering you on and want to share in your successes and be there to sympathize with and listen to your low points. My thoughts are with you. Eileen

Eileen I just wanted to say Thank You and you don't even know how much! I needed to hear this again today. I'm always so busy in constant motion or doing something- and now my house is clear- my son is away for 2 weeks and my mom went home, so its just me and the cat Even though I got home late from work (10pm) it was too late to hit the gym- but I did get in my gym clothes and then headed to the food store- go figure..I bought a lot of healthy things, including yogurt- s/f ice cream, lots of propel and diet iced tea,fruit, my day ended at 2am. I just had that energy, you know? And thats what you reminded me of, today. A YEAR ago, especially with humidity(like today) ,I couldnt walk from the parking lot to the building, without being out of breath . When I would food shop, sometimes I would have to sit down because I was winded or my knees hurt, after 2 hrs -even the gym- I had to hit the hot tub for my joints, after 30 mins. Isn't it funny how we get to feeling so good, in such a short amount of time - and we have to remind ourselves how difficult it used to be? I love being outdoors- even yesterday in the 90s. This morning its already 87 & humid, and Im Okay.. for now! LOL Its supposed to reach 110 today. AND thank you about the clothes. I still think there is some conspiracy going on- at the stores. Originally I bought mens workout pants for sizing and XL womens tops.. I just bought a great Prospirit top- in L and thought ok this will fit- Tried it on and its too big- its stretchy soft- so I forget to gauge my size..I keep thinking Im still big- and even though the scale is NOT moving- I discovered the inches are going down- they are moving somewhere! Today I put on a pair of my sons sz 38 Khaki shorts to wear-they are an inch too big in waist - last time they were snug- And I was surprised. It shows all the hard work we do- and Ive been focused on ABS now- is really working. I guess its just that our fitness levels are so greatly improved our bodies really can't metabolize the way we want- ALL the time. When you think about it- Im surprised our bodies haven't been 'shocked' by the short time in which we've dropped weight- you know? We are all walking around feeling mighty good- compared to some people who "diet" and feel tired and crappy and return to food. So we are very lucky in that way. Its Ok for me to purchase size M tops now. Thank YOU for reminding me. Yes I have pictures that are not yet posted. I honestly didn't know how big I was. I didn't even know my sister had pictures, I avoided them. You know we all had that split mentality- how we looked to everyone- and how we THOUGHT we looked? NOW, that image is improved and better. I can't stop admiring how I look in the mirrors, in windows walking by and I keep looking for that reflection. We have moved from the invisible fringe to being active in our lives, from existing and accepting what we watched, to actively participating in our lives. Thank You again, Eileen for making me notice that. And for reminding me, its a process, we are works in progress. I should have a shirt with a hard hat on it, that says Under Construction. LOL What really gets me- is how saturated with fat my body must have been, you know? Like you said- we are relatively very close - age/ weight/ height - and I think- how the hell would this have happened without surgery? Last week Oprah rolled out 35lbs of fat on a red wagon..and I sat there saying- MINE is 3+ wagons- HOLY SH*T!! How did I fit that in my body, you know? It was eye opening, thanks for reminding me. I wish I knew what to tell you about your kids. I have just one, and some days wish I had more and then Im thankful its only one. We are close, and opposites in many ways. Yet I can see the good influence I am on my son. I have just squeaked by his weight - and he is learning a lesson about his own. He just doesn't understand how easy it would be for him- at 21- to drop 30lbs. At 24 I dropped from 215 to 175- in 6wks- and that was my first introduction to fitness at Ballys. Everyday I was at the gym. When I got to 175 I chastised myself for not reaching 145- had I given myself more time- I probably would have. Now at 25yrs later I will get there. I think of my time at the gym as being "in therapy" or "rehab". It sounds funny- but here is why: Without it- Im not focused and will proabably make bad food choices. It accomodates me- that if I do make a mistake- I can return and work on getting healthier - mentally and physically. Its a learning experience, and teaches me patience; allows me to take out my aggression when Im mad at the world, and helps me to heal, and soothe my mind and body, after working out. I find some inner peace, and feel stronger. I become more defiant and more confident when I go regularly. When Im away from it- the longer I am away- the more difficulty I find in coping with stress and life. Its the one correlation that I've stuck to for 3 yrs at Ballys- which expires in Sept. So thank you for reminding me about that - I will continue to rededicate myself as I go -and this is only ONE year post surgery. If I can stick with exercise (& lower fitness) for 3yrs- then the next several years- will only make me better and stronger than I am today. SO! Eileen, You may not have found the exact words, but your kindness and compassion have reminded me of all these things, as we move forward into our anniversary month- and I thank you many times over. I feel better. I need to learn to tone down the emotional colors in my palette. Not to be so anxious ( I think that also makes the scale stick) and enjoy my place in life. I have two weeks vacation from being Mom- and I will enjoy that freedom. Thank you for being such a great friend. (i'm sorry I wrote such a book) Hugs Donna OH YEAH - HAPPY BIRTHDAY