SO LOST & STUCK LIKE PRE-OP!!!!
7/2/06 226.2/144(82.2) (10 months gained back 6 lbs) I didn't even take a few minutes to write last month and I wonder why I am gaining and failing again. I hate myself so much. I cannot believe that after all these months, I still cannot make permanent changes. I go to my support groups monthly, see a therapist weekly,workout 5 times per week, and now eat everything that I shouldn't. What is it about me and food???? I still can't get it??? I am less than 2 months from my 1 year anniversary and am devastated that I am not near or at goal. Ther is no reason other than the fact that I am cheating and grazing. How can I stop ??? I am lost and sad. I started internet dating back in April and was with someone for 9 weeks. Initially I thought there were wonderful possibilities and shared my WLS surgery with him. He seemed fine with it. I lost another 6-7 lbs while dating him. He told me I was heavyset when we first met. I didn't think 7 lbs could make such a difference. I felt bad and can't seem to get it off my mind. The relationship
did not work out and I feel sad and am resorting to my old friend food for comfort. Why haven't I learned anything??? I am scared I am failing again!!!!!! I am so lost!!! I wish I could turn the clock back and have the surgery again. Such a loser. Can't take it anymore.........
Hi Pat,
First a little tough love... KNOCK IT OFF!!!
You've lost 80 plus pounds (when was the last time you could say that??) and you're less than 20 lbs from goal - even with the weight gain this last month. Both of those are something to be very proud of! 
If you've been exercising 5x a week you've probably gained a lot of muscle and are much smaller because of that. You're setting yourself up for a burst of weight loss because of the extra muscle mass.
Also, you got out there and dated someone - for over 2 months!!! How cool is that?? I've yet to cross that bridge yet - though I did try Match.com for 3 months with no success. I doubt seriously that you gaining 6 pounds ran off the guy you were dating - unless of course YOU changed (which is sounds like you probably did - got all negative didn't ya? 
)
You know what the problem is - grazing. You said you wanted to go back and re-have the surgery. So, figuratively, do so. Go back to that first month post-op. Go back and reboot yourself mentally. We all seemed to start struggling about the 6 month mark - some of maintained for a month or so - no progress - but not giving up. You've just hit your wall a little harder and a little later. YOU CONTROL YOUR SUCCESS. You've been given a terrific tool - you seem to have a great support network - use them both correctly and you'll be back on track before you know it.
Don't be a stranger - let us know how you're doing sweetie!
Dawn
258/134/135 
If you've been exercising 5x a week you've probably gained a lot of muscle and are much smaller because of that. You're setting yourself up for a burst of weight loss because of the extra muscle mass.
Also, you got out there and dated someone - for over 2 months!!! How cool is that?? I've yet to cross that bridge yet - though I did try Match.com for 3 months with no success. I doubt seriously that you gaining 6 pounds ran off the guy you were dating - unless of course YOU changed (which is sounds like you probably did - got all negative didn't ya? )
You know what the problem is - grazing. You said you wanted to go back and re-have the surgery. So, figuratively, do so. Go back to that first month post-op. Go back and reboot yourself mentally. We all seemed to start struggling about the 6 month mark - some of maintained for a month or so - no progress - but not giving up. You've just hit your wall a little harder and a little later. YOU CONTROL YOUR SUCCESS. You've been given a terrific tool - you seem to have a great support network - use them both correctly and you'll be back on track before you know it.
Don't be a stranger - let us know how you're doing sweetie!
Dawn
258/134/135 
Hi Pat -
You know, Dawn gives some excellent advice. Re read what she wrote and let me offer some of mine:
You ARE doing well with your workouts- but what you are doing is self sabotage. We have all been victims of it- and that is why we have ballooned up and down all over the place. There are no amateurs here- we are all professional eaters! 
My support group laughs when I say that- because Im funny and yet Im right. You are badgering yourself and there is no reason for it. You have simply experienced some rejection. I know- I have had it my whole life. I HATE being single. But it doesn't have to be equated with loser or lonely. Those L words are out of your vocabulary. OK? 
I brought this up in my support group 7/1...I had something similar happen and I felt lost and lonely and a real void. I wanted to fill myself up with food or something to anesthesize how I felt. I felt bad. I was ******g depressed. I felt ****ty and there was no reason for it. HERE IS WHERE WE DIFFER- I SIMPLY REFUSED TO GIVE IN TO MY FEELINGS. I distracted myself with a thought. Then with that thought (of cleaning my kitchen floor), I did that and moved to cleaning the bathroom floor.. then I realized it was time to shower and I felt a little better. Went to bed and went straight to support Sat morning. I felt strung out, you know? I brought it up in group and asked how they handled it- and to MY surprise- Others had been thrrough the same thing- but no one voiced it. SO I was relieved and it was purging it, that made me feel better. PLUS the nutritionist told me this- and I say it to you:
"You acknowledged a behavior without giving in. That is a cross road- and it shows Growth. Acknowledgement = Growth = change = Positive growth and what we all strive for. So do NOT feel bad. This was a huge milestone, noticing this."
Its tough to cope without food. Now as far as sabotaging yourself and disliking yourself for not being at goal- what the hell is this? smile please.. I am not at goal and people after me have hit theirs. Ive come to a conclusion: people will walk alongside me and be bigger and smaller than I am. I have to be HAPPY with ME, at any stage. THAT is the real lesson to learn with this surgery. Balance. Self Love. Acceptance. Positive Self Image. Goal Setting. Pride in Me. Does that make sense?
These things don't all come at once, and they all don't work at the same time. I find working on one thing, like setting goals, helps me with the others, but essentially, it all comes down to looking in the mirror and liking what I see. Do you like who you see? Most of the time I do like the woman in the mirror. Somedays she is prettier than others, some days she is funnier. But one thing is certain- she has more choices NOW than she did a year ago. Her life was limited and is now open to growth and opportunities. I struggle with different things now- but for the most part- I am Happy. Happy with me. I find living in this world, a little easier. Im more accepted. I do wish I was 30 again.I do wish I weighed 175 NOW. But thats just because I'll be 50 next week. But I'll be 50 looking 30 and in the best health Ive ever been in! How is that for a birthday present?
So what do you have to be depressed about- when I'm the one turning 50? LOL 
I hope this has lifted you somewhat and perhaps widened your perspective. We all think we are alone, but you are not. Please post here anytime. You are welcome to the boards.
Hugs
Donna
My support group laughs when I say that- because Im funny and yet Im right. You are badgering yourself and there is no reason for it. You have simply experienced some rejection. I know- I have had it my whole life. I HATE being single. But it doesn't have to be equated with loser or lonely. Those L words are out of your vocabulary. OK?
I brought this up in my support group 7/1...I had something similar happen and I felt lost and lonely and a real void. I wanted to fill myself up with food or something to anesthesize how I felt. I felt bad. I was ******g depressed. I felt ****ty and there was no reason for it. HERE IS WHERE WE DIFFER- I SIMPLY REFUSED TO GIVE IN TO MY FEELINGS. I distracted myself with a thought. Then with that thought (of cleaning my kitchen floor), I did that and moved to cleaning the bathroom floor.. then I realized it was time to shower and I felt a little better. Went to bed and went straight to support Sat morning. I felt strung out, you know? I brought it up in group and asked how they handled it- and to MY surprise- Others had been thrrough the same thing- but no one voiced it. SO I was relieved and it was purging it, that made me feel better. PLUS the nutritionist told me this- and I say it to you:
"You acknowledged a behavior without giving in. That is a cross road- and it shows Growth. Acknowledgement = Growth = change = Positive growth and what we all strive for. So do NOT feel bad. This was a huge milestone, noticing this."
Its tough to cope without food. Now as far as sabotaging yourself and disliking yourself for not being at goal- what the hell is this? smile please.. I am not at goal and people after me have hit theirs. Ive come to a conclusion: people will walk alongside me and be bigger and smaller than I am. I have to be HAPPY with ME, at any stage. THAT is the real lesson to learn with this surgery. Balance. Self Love. Acceptance. Positive Self Image. Goal Setting. Pride in Me. Does that make sense?
These things don't all come at once, and they all don't work at the same time. I find working on one thing, like setting goals, helps me with the others, but essentially, it all comes down to looking in the mirror and liking what I see. Do you like who you see? Most of the time I do like the woman in the mirror. Somedays she is prettier than others, some days she is funnier. But one thing is certain- she has more choices NOW than she did a year ago. Her life was limited and is now open to growth and opportunities. I struggle with different things now- but for the most part- I am Happy. Happy with me. I find living in this world, a little easier. Im more accepted. I do wish I was 30 again.I do wish I weighed 175 NOW. But thats just because I'll be 50 next week. But I'll be 50 looking 30 and in the best health Ive ever been in! How is that for a birthday present?
So what do you have to be depressed about- when I'm the one turning 50? LOL
I hope this has lifted you somewhat and perhaps widened your perspective. We all think we are alone, but you are not. Please post here anytime. You are welcome to the boards.
Hugs
Donna Most Active
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