Hello All, I have been absent from the boards with a minor comment here and there. However I have decided to pop back up and have something to say... As the oldtimers here all know, this journey for me has been more like a ride through the House of Terror rather than a Carousal ride. As I approach my one year mark (August 12th), I am trying my best to be happy and look at the positives. I am trying very hard not to let the take my joy. I am however, only human, and often times I am very concerned that the negativity is going to overpower the joy. Its one thing to change ones lifestyle and assume correct eating behavior for life. It is another to not be able to eat, and to have excrutiating pain when one attempts to do so. At first you can handle it...but after months with no fix, the strain it places on you is to say the least- unabarable. I would like to begin by saying this... If anyone had told me that with this surgery, I would have complications a year out, I would have laughed. If anyone had told me, that not only would I have them,but a reasonable source of them could not be located, I would have laughed harder. If Anyone would have told me the amount of poking, proding and probing I would have to undego to try and find the source, I would have been in hysterics. But you know what? This **** is not funny anymore..... After months and months of guessing, tests, more tests, and trying to find answers I was estatic because last week, I thought I FINALLY had an answer to the problems. After having an endoscopy I was diagnosed with A Diverticulum in the Distal Esophagus-In plain English, I have a pouch that has formed above my new stomach. The food is not going straight to the new stomach, it is getting trapped in this Diverticulum. This causes Pain, Vomiting, and the inability to consume food. It also explains why I can eat sometimes and other times not.... Or so I thought... When I met with my surgeon yesterday he complicated it more by saying that MAYBE it was the cause, but then going through my other symptoms, etc...he did not agree that this was the culprit. Furthermore, he was just baffled at my case. He said they had to find a scientific reason/explanation for my pain and inability to eat- but quite frankly, it was a major puzzle to him. Also, he advised that surgery to remove the diverticulum was extremely risky, and he did not want to do it unless it was absolutely necessary. So guess what? We are back to the old drawing board. Since we have done all internal scans- we are now about to venture to the external.. so I sit and await my CAT SCAN appt. If that does not work, he is talking about using some camera (not an endoscope?) And look to see if I have a bowel obstruction- which can not show up thru normal testing. Again, my symptoms do not match typical folks with bowel obstruction, so...he just can not determine what it is. Am I Happy about all of this? Hell no Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try at something that its going to fail? Have you ever felt like there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Have you ever felt that no one in this world understands how you feel or what you are going through? Well if you have, then you know how I feel. For so long, I have sat back, held my tongue, not particiapted on the online support boards I intially was enthused about for these very reasons. I felt and feel like an outsider...a failure of Gastric Bypass... A failure beacuse I have not met my goal weight in a year A failure because I am not the norm A failure because no one out there is like me... I cannot begin to tell you the impact this surgery has had on my life and my family. I have become a different person. I internalize most of my inner thoughts, my whole thought processes are different- It is I must say, one of the wildest rides of ones life. As I emerge through this, the impact to my marriage has been tested beyond belief. The strain of maintaining a daily work routine when you feel like **** and all you want to do is curl up in a ball due to the pain... The constant Doctors appointments and tests.... I swear to god if I drink anymore barium, I am gonna own the damn company. BUT THEN.... I sit back and I reflect- and I ask myself..... What are the postives of my surgery? Well- I was on 11 (yes eleven) medications a day for Diabetes and High Blood Pressure- I am now down to one I have lost 97 lbs- even though the scales will not budge and have not since February- Imagine that? 97 pounds...and they are NOT coming back!!! I no longer have aches and pains, and joint pain I can ride amusement park rides and have longer stamina I went from a 5x-6x to a size 2x-3x I have met some of the kindess warmest folks in the world via my online and local support groups. Without them, I would be in a straight jacket in the local looney bin. My family looks at me, and praise me on a daily basis on my accomplishments I guess that is something to be proud of. See My onlinephoto journals... http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p...20669&members=1 http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p...20669&members=1 ------------------------------------------------------ Would I do it again? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... I would, but with a caviot When we go to support groups for help- we always hear the positives. Whenever anyone expresses an issue that appears "Negative" they get flamed, or ridiculed, or told they are doing something wrong. But you know folks, we need to hear it all... The good The Bad and the Ugly We need to know, and we need to accept that we are NOT the experts, and that there are many of us out there that DON'T fit the norm. We need to know that it is "OK" to tell folks the things we are going through- so those pre-ops know hey...this is a possibility Or those post ops who are having a hell of a time know- Hey- Let me email her, cause maybe she can help me or give me suggestions. We need to be acceptant that not everyone's surgery is a piece of cake, and that they can have ongoing issues for months, years, or the rest of their lives. I was afraid to post because I felt like I had nothing positive to say- and so I would rather not speak at all. I felt like no one would really care, or want to hear another persepctive of WLS...so I have sat back and held it all in. With major encouragement from Madame Rodriguez from Choosingandloosing and BAF; I have decided to come out of lurking mode and openly discuss these things. I want other folks to know that hey, its ok not to fit the norm, and its ok to talk about it. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to express myself. As Always I love and appreciate you all! Much Denise

I see you and you look great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lynn 381/250/???

Thank you very much because i have been very depressed about this and this was very encouraging!! I just love this site and all the people on here.

Hi Judith. This has been addressed at our support group meetings. The surgical nurse says hormones are stored in fat and after dramatic weightloss, our hormones are totally screwed up. It sounds to me like you're under a tremendous amount of stress too. You should talk to your surgeon about it since they know the most about this surgery and its after effects. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a mental health professional too. Hopefully, your insurance covers it. Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I've been down that road. Good luck to you, I'm sending good vibes your way. Hugs, Barb

Holy smokes, you've all done so great. I feel so proud for you but I am kinda disappointed for me. And yes, I knew when I chose the DS that my loss would be slower and yes I do pretty much enjoy eating everything I want, but I just get jealous I guess. Day of surgery - 283 lb on my scale (2 weeks earlier I was 277 on doc's scales so that's my official starting point) Size 28, 3 X size 11 bloomers, size 46DDD bra Shoe size 9 1/2 WIDE Today - 162 on my scale Size - mostly 14's some 12's size 7-8 panties 36 D bra shoe size 8 1/2 regular Weight loss - 115 Pounds to doctor's goal - 12 -joanne s