I Have Something Very Important To Say...A Bit Long

Hello All, I have been absent from the boards with a minor comment here and there. However I have decided to pop back up and have something to say... As the oldtimers here all know, this journey for me has been more like a ride through the House of Terror rather than a Carousal ride. As I approach my one year mark (August 12th), I am trying my best to be happy and look at the positives. I am trying very hard not to let the take my joy. I am however, only human, and often times I am very concerned that the negativity is going to overpower the joy. Its one thing to change ones lifestyle and assume correct eating behavior for life. It is another to not be able to eat, and to have excrutiating pain when one attempts to do so. At first you can handle it...but after months with no fix, the strain it places on you is to say the least- unabarable. I would like to begin by saying this... If anyone had told me that with this surgery, I would have complications a year out, I would have laughed. If anyone had told me, that not only would I have them,but a reasonable source of them could not be located, I would have laughed harder. If Anyone would have told me the amount of poking, proding and probing I would have to undego to try and find the source, I would have been in hysterics. But you know what? This **** is not funny anymore..... After months and months of guessing, tests, more tests, and trying to find answers I was estatic because last week, I thought I FINALLY had an answer to the problems. After having an endoscopy I was diagnosed with A Diverticulum in the Distal Esophagus-In plain English, I have a pouch that has formed above my new stomach. The food is not going straight to the new stomach, it is getting trapped in this Diverticulum. This causes Pain, Vomiting, and the inability to consume food. It also explains why I can eat sometimes and other times not.... Or so I thought... When I met with my surgeon yesterday he complicated it more by saying that MAYBE it was the cause, but then going through my other symptoms, etc...he did not agree that this was the culprit. Furthermore, he was just baffled at my case. He said they had to find a scientific reason/explanation for my pain and inability to eat- but quite frankly, it was a major puzzle to him. Also, he advised that surgery to remove the diverticulum was extremely risky, and he did not want to do it unless it was absolutely necessary. So guess what? We are back to the old drawing board. Since we have done all internal scans- we are now about to venture to the external.. so I sit and await my CAT SCAN appt. If that does not work, he is talking about using some camera (not an endoscope?) And look to see if I have a bowel obstruction- which can not show up thru normal testing. Again, my symptoms do not match typical folks with bowel obstruction, so...he just can not determine what it is. Am I Happy about all of this? Hell no Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try at something that its going to fail? Have you ever felt like there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Have you ever felt that no one in this world understands how you feel or what you are going through? Well if you have, then you know how I feel. For so long, I have sat back, held my tongue, not particiapted on the online support boards I intially was enthused about for these very reasons. I felt and feel like an outsider...a failure of Gastric Bypass... A failure beacuse I have not met my goal weight in a year A failure because I am not the norm A failure because no one out there is like me... I cannot begin to tell you the impact this surgery has had on my life and my family. I have become a different person. I internalize most of my inner thoughts, my whole thought processes are different- It is I must say, one of the wildest rides of ones life. As I emerge through this, the impact to my marriage has been tested beyond belief. The strain of maintaining a daily work routine when you feel like **** and all you want to do is curl up in a ball due to the pain... The constant Doctors appointments and tests.... I swear to god if I drink anymore barium, I am gonna own the damn company. BUT THEN.... I sit back and I reflect- and I ask myself..... What are the postives of my surgery? Well- I was on 11 (yes eleven) medications a day for Diabetes and High Blood Pressure- I am now down to one I have lost 97 lbs- even though the scales will not budge and have not since February- Imagine that? 97 pounds...and they are NOT coming back!!! I no longer have aches and pains, and joint pain I can ride amusement park rides and have longer stamina I went from a 5x-6x to a size 2x-3x I have met some of the kindess warmest folks in the world via my online and local support groups. Without them, I would be in a straight jacket in the local looney bin. My family looks at me, and praise me on a daily basis on my accomplishments I guess that is something to be proud of. See My onlinephoto journals... http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p...20669&members=1 http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p...20669&members=1 ------------------------------------------------------ Would I do it again? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... I would, but with a caviot When we go to support groups for help- we always hear the positives. Whenever anyone expresses an issue that appears "Negative" they get flamed, or ridiculed, or told they are doing something wrong. But you know folks, we need to hear it all... The good The Bad and the Ugly We need to know, and we need to accept that we are NOT the experts, and that there are many of us out there that DON'T fit the norm. We need to know that it is "OK" to tell folks the things we are going through- so those pre-ops know hey...this is a possibility Or those post ops who are having a hell of a time know- Hey- Let me email her, cause maybe she can help me or give me suggestions. We need to be acceptant that not everyone's surgery is a piece of cake, and that they can have ongoing issues for months, years, or the rest of their lives. I was afraid to post because I felt like I had nothing positive to say- and so I would rather not speak at all. I felt like no one would really care, or want to hear another persepctive of WLS...so I have sat back and held it all in. With major encouragement from Madame Rodriguez from Choosingandloosing and BAF; I have decided to come out of lurking mode and openly discuss these things. I want other folks to know that hey, its ok not to fit the norm, and its ok to talk about it. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to express myself. As Always I love and appreciate you all! Much Denise

Denise, First i would like to tell you that i am so sorry that you have had such a freakin horrific time with this surgery.... I will pray for you everynight...GOD will come through for you and give the doctors knowledge on what exactly going on with you....I know that it is easier said than done but try to stay positive and keep faith in GOD he will come through for you GOD bless you sweetie....Denise

Denise: My heart goes out to you. I have had my share of complications. I lamost died in March when my pouch ruptured. But I had surgery again, and have been doing fine since then. I am so sorry your complications are ones that they have not been able to help you with. I will be praying for you. Praying that they can figure out the proper treatment for you to fit your problems once and for all, and that you will soon feel only postitive about the surgery. Even though I am doing OK now, I still feel like I fialed. I have only lost 80 pounds. I stopped losing weight at 7 months out, and nothing I try seems to get my weight loss going again, so I understand your feeling of failing. Tammy

Hi Denise.... I have been praying for you cause I know this is a mental thing too... believe me I had problems for 6 years... and then started researching a revision and glad I did.... I believe pre-ops need to hear all the pros and cons... its only fair.... there are complications.... that people dont want to talk about... I am always up front and honest with what went wrong the first time.... and how I dealt with it.... Keep in touch... and I am keeping you in my prayers... Debra 227/205/133/120 goal (almost there)

First of all...I want to commend you on your incredible strength! To go through your complications and still find the good that has happened... If they had an icon for standing ovation...I would have used that one. I'm sorry that you've had problems with your surgery and will pray that they find a fix for you and your pain. You are so correct in that all stories need to be heard...from my story of no complications at all...to yours...to even stories of death as a result of WLS. Fortunately for me, the support groups I attend address the good the bad and the ugly...because you're right...just because someone is having problems doesn't mean that they aren't following the guidelines established by their surgeon. The complications could just be that...complications. THANK YOU...for speaking up and letting your voice heard. I'm sure that you are helping people both as a pre-op & post-op with your story. That being said...I hope your doctors can do something for you to help...and please...post again and keep us posted on how you are doing...I'd like to know. Kristy

Denise reading your post made me cry. Right before I had my surgery I read a TIME article that said 1 in 200 people die from this surgery and I was determined that I was that 1. Well I'm here 170 pounds lighter and I have never had a complication. I relate in a way to you that I feel that pain in your mind but when things get me down I always say to myself "there is always someone who has it worse than you" it gets me through! Wiith all that you have been through I would be in a looney bin. But here you are telling YOUR story and I have to say you are the strongest person I have met on here. You express yourself better than I ever could. I have some strange thing happening in my mind and you have made me think a little harder. Listening to you makes me even more grateful. Please accept my sincerest admiration and hope for you. Strong, beautiful, and already more healthy you. I just hope they can find what is wrong! I wish I could say more but you really hit home. Please take care and stay strong! Jamie

Denise, thank you for posting this. You should post it on the main board (if it is safe - hate to see you flamed) Anyway - i lived on the main board pre-op and what you have to say is as important if not more so, than the positive sides when considering this surgery. I wish you the best- Nona

Denise, I'm sorry that you've had problems with your surgery and will pray that they find out what's causing your troubles. I agree with Nona, at the risk of being flamed, this needs to be posted on the main messageboard. ~barb ps- Congrats on your positive note even though this has been quite an ordeal for you, your strength of character, and of course, the weight loss.

Denise, Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I too agree you need to post your story on the main board and put it out there as much as possible. Your strength and experience is one that needs to be known by all, preops, postops, all - period. I admire and commend your braveness and just overall strength with this whole situation. You're right, you may not be the "norm", but you've been able to navigate yourself through these challenges and be the strong person that you are. Strong enough to even see the positives. I don't know if i'd be as strong, but then again, we all surprise ourselves when under adversity A part of me definitely feels for you and all your rough experiences since getting WLS. Another part of me is thankful that my wls experience has been, overall, very normal. And, another part of me feels guilty that I may take my own experience for granted and not even realize that complications do happen. We all get the "complications" breeze-over when initially considering WLS, and even know that the possibility of death is there, but don't really think it HITS us that it does happen. Again, thank you so much for telling your story and PLEASE continue to share your experiences with me. Know that we are here to rejoice in your highs and give our prayers and kind words through the hard times. You've allowed me to internalize my own experience, be thankful for it, not take it for granted and be in awe of your strength. Much love, Norma G.

Wow Denise, I can't believe what a rough year this has been for you. I can't even begin to understand how hard this must be for you, b/c I've been one of the lucky ones... but I do feel for you and hope they'll figure all of this out soon for you. Don't give up faith. Is there an internist or other RNY surgeon you could consult with? Sometimes I think Dr's can be just like us and think they can do no wrong, so it can't be something he did, right? Maybe a 2nd opinion would be helpful... although I'm sure that's the last thing you want to do... start over with someone new. UGH! It must be so frustrating. You know, it's stories like this that make me think back to all of the times I've heard from skinny people how WLS is "the easy way out"... HA! AS IF! Definitely NOT easy, especially when dealing with complications like you have. I'm sorry sweetie and will keep you in my thoughts and hope these issues will be resolved... just don't give up- we're all here for you! Lots of love, Dawn